school days.

I'm at school right now, hopefully no one is watching me type this. I'm doing so horrible right now, I'm like 122. I'm trying to fast today but I don't think I'll make it because I have a game tonight and well, I'm going to have to eat or I'll pass out. Yesterday I binged and purged, the day before I binged and purged. I want to stop! :( I told my friend at school about this. She was bulimic and anorexic since sixth grade but she's better now, but she completely understands me and that's all that I really need right now; just someone who understands me. Her name's Kate. She even told me that she noticed that I'm tinier lately but she said that she didn't want to say anything. She told me I have to stop because it's not good and I know that! But I'm just not ready...
Well, Sorry this is short but I got to go now. Stay strong everyone, and please pray for me..

twizzlers and tea.

I just typed a whole page and it got deleted, WTF?! I don't feel like rewriting all this, so I'll make it short. I'm 120/119 :) and I only got green tea and twizzlers in me. Haha and they only have .5 grams of fat for three of them and even though I ate quite a few, I should be okay. I binge and purge every day now and my mouth hurts and I'm feeling weaker. My hair is getting drier too, it sucks. :(
On the bright side, Colin and I are talking again! :) He apologized for not talking to me, and I can't help but to forgive him, I'm really in love with him. Well I'm going to sleep now, I know it's only 8pm but I got no sleeep last night from talking on the phone with Colin all night plus I had to wake up early for my double header in softball today (we lost both games) /:
Well I hope everyones good, and thank you for all the followers :D

you've dug my grave, but i pushed you in.

It hurts, everything hurts. I'm an emotional train wreck, waiting to crash. And when I finally do crash, it's going to be a hard one. That doesn't even make sense. I don't know how much I weigh, I don't want to know how much I weigh. I can't bare to look at the scale. Binged and purged twice today, binged a third time just a little bit ago but I'm making myself keep this down. It was only boiled celery and carrots, like three helpings of it, and some chicken...okay a lot of chicken, I don't even know how much I just kept eating. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep living like this. My stomach doesn't want to cooperate with my purging, it really hurts. I miss Alyce, she was amazing. She was everything. Alyce was my ana buddy I met last year, she was like 110 % with me. Seriously, she was just absolutely wonderful. And it turned out we only lived like ten minutes away from each other! Oh, if only she knew I was down to the 120's, she'd be so proud. But we don't talk anymore. You know how you have an ana buddy, and then you slowly stop talking and then like months later you try to get in contact with them again? Well thats exactly what happened, and I don't know why but she won't reply to anything I say to her anymore. It really hurts, she was my #1 buddy, she was like my bestfriend. Honestly, she was the most helpful person ever, we'd fast together alllll the time. I try talking to her on myspace, but she won't reply. She won't reply to my texts either. /: It sucksss. But I have Ashley, another wonderful ana buddy. But we haven't talked in a while and honedtly I'm pretty ashamed of myself right now to tell her how I'm doing. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Celery can't be that bad, right? But then I had chicken. Dammit. This week I'm going to loose five legit pounds. No matter what, no more fucking excuses. I know I was 121 before I ate, oh dear. I'm probably like 125 now, but it could be a lot of water from the celery? I don't know. I say 'I don't know' a lot. 420 is almost heree, but I don't think I can celebrate. Unless I stay home 'sick' and sneak out with Hope! My mom's working so it should be fine. Ahhh, I don't know. Pooopy, I get to see that teacher who called me fat tomorrow! How great! I don't even want to look at her. Sure I 'misunderstood' her but still, she saw my gross fat puffy red face from crying so much, ewwww! I hate this, I wanna be home-schooled sooo bad! I'd love to take online classes, that'd be fucking awesome. Not that it'll ever happen though. I feel like I'm rambling? Sorry. How are you guys? Last night was great. Smoked three bowls and two hits of a joint, I felt awesome. Then we had a couple smirnoff, yeeeaahh. I need more nights like those, A LOTTTT MORE. Well I don't know if I'm going to go vomit, aha. Probably not but it doesn't even matter anymore. I wanna get fucked up again, like dude, I don't even remember what happened. We were going to sneak out with a twenty-two year old, but he had other plans to go to the bar with his friends. Whateverrr, I was kinda afraid to do that. Hahah well at least I ended this blog on a good note. I really want more weed, damn. And alcohol, next weekend hopefully! But I promised to hang with my bestbestbestfriend I've mentioned before. I don't know, well I feel like this is too long, I'm sorry! Everyone have a good week now, I may not write as often again because of school, but I'll try to when I get the chance. Nighhhht, :)

another apology.

Thanks everyone, sixteen followers. I never would of thought I'd have so many. :) Well I want to apologize for my drug-related post yesterday. I'm not really like that...well sometimes but I don't know. Just don't judge me...please?..I've had a bad past. I'm smoking some good bud tonight with a friend though, :) It's been about three months since I've done it. But with softball now I don't smoke anymore, and these two weekend days really kill me because I don't have any softball and it gives me too much time. Yesterday was a bad day, but I'm back down to 121 and I'm not binging anymore. I hate throwing up and it's been harder to do so lately. It still comes up on it's own, but it's just harder like I don't know how to explain it. Whatever, aha. I'm moving up to JV for softball. :) It means Junior Varsity, Varsity is the top team. Buh-byeee fresshhhman! :D hahaha. Well my bestfriend wanted to hang out tonight, but I had to lie to her. Oh well, she has bad lungs and can't do anything, like she won't drink either so it's kinda boring. Ha and she's shorter than me, but bigger than me. :) She wanted to go to the mall tonight, to do what? Walk around for three hours - yeah, no thankkkss! She's whatever, haha. Well I'm gonna get goingg, I have to get ready and such. I just drank some tea <3 and it's all that's going to be in me today. :) I hope you're all doing well, and have a nice weekend!

no way out.

Today was the worst day of my life. I'll start from the beginning;
I go to school, change into this really cute little dress because we had to dress up for our softball game, which got cancelled by the way because of rain. I thought I looked pretty damn good, I got so many compliments. First period flies by, as well as second, then third period arrives and I have class with my ex, Colin. He ignores me as usual, I thought maybe I'd catch his eye today. But whatever, fourth period comes and I'm just sitting in studyhall. Then, my teacher comes up to me and says, "Do you have something to cover up those straps with? It's inappropriate for school."
I said, "Umm..no" and I fixed my bra straps because I totally understood what she meant. Then she said, "Well it's a cute dress, but if you were smaller you wouldn't look so bad." (and as she said bad she put her finger down her throat, like that gesture thing. Then she walked away. I sat there for a moment and my friend next to me was like "wow." I said "She just like...called me fat.." And my friend said, "Wait, what did she say?" I guess she didn't hear so I told her what the teacher said. I just lost ten pounds, and someone calls me fat. What more can I do?.. The next period I just broke down. All my friends came in the bathroom with me and I told them whats wrong. Even seniors and juniors were there with me, and they told the principal. I told them not to, but they did anyways and the teacher lady apologized to me, saying that I misheard her and she said "If you were any bigger, it would look bad." As in if someone fat wore it, they'd look bad because they'd be overflowing it or whatever. Then they told me how skinny I was and beautiful the dress was on me, blah blah blah. I wanna cry even more though, I know what she said and there's no way to take it back. And after the lady left the principal's office from apologizing to me, I was still crying and the principal asked me if there was more to the story because I was still crying, and I said no. But I wanted to tell her everything, how I'm fucking bulimic and over eat and throw up and then starve myself for days maybe weeks and then eat and fucking force the food back up. But I held everything in, just like I do every time. And of course fat old ugly me comes home to a hugee binge, throws up then I eat even fucking more!? And I didn't get everything up from the second binge, and I feel so sick right now. I don't know if it's from not throwing up..? Oh my goshhh. I hate this so much, :( and to top it all off I'm on my period, but thank God it's lighttttttt. I feel like taking a benadryl and sleeping. I think I'm back up to 122. FUCK. But I drank so much tea, so hopefully it's just that. I want weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedd. I really hope I can hang out with Hope tomorrow night, we will for suree light up. I'm so stressed, dudee, like fuck it. I wantt weeed or some alcohol, somthing pleaseeeeeee. Well, fuck you Mrs. Robertson for 'unintentionally' calling me fat, and fuck you kitchen of mine for calling my name. I'm going to pop some pink and sleep for the night. Bye.

untitled.

I don't think I fasted Sunday, is it bad I don't really remember? Hah, yesterday just one binge, one purge. Today, My Birthdayy, :) Eh, I'm like stuck on 121. We ate cake and pizza but I just finished purging. I've come to realize, that bulimia and softball do not go well together, not what so ever. Today I was like about to pass out! It was terrible I was so nautious, just right after I ate half a granola bar, a bread stick, and a 100 calorie bag of pretzels. But thank God it was still in warming up for the game. I ended up pitching the whole game and we won! FINALLY! Haaha. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. Maybe I'll bring a banana, I know I'm pitching again. I mean, not that I don't like to, no no no, I loveeee pitching, but at least give the other pitcher on my team a chance. Sure, she might not be as good as me, but seriously coach, just give her a chance! I feel bad, /: Ahh well. I may not be able to write as often, because school and softball every single day. I get home like after seven! It's terrible, seven is like my bedtime! Hahah not really, but I'm soso tired in the mornings. Well I still have homework to do, eewwwh. I'll try to keep this updated as much as I can! Hopefully next time I write I'll be 119! :)

i love blogging. :)

I'm feeling good right now, although I'm at 122. Do I even need to explain yesterday? Ahaha, four binges, four purges. But last night I looked up bulimia on Google because I want to see what I'm really doing to myself. I mean, I know my teeth are going to suck, my throat is swollen, etc. But I looked up how bulimia effects pregnancy, and what I found out was truly horrible. I want to have kids, many many many kids! Well not too many, haha but I just love them and want as many as I can take care of! But if I continue with this monster controlling me, I may not be able to have any. In severe bulimia cases they'll be blind or mentally retarded. They can be underweight, develope diabetes, and they'll have a good chance of having an eating disorder as well. I know I'm only fourteen, I don't want to have a baby until I'm like 25, but I don't want my children to come out...deformed. :( If they were mentally retarded or blind, I don't know what I'd do. I don't want to sound mean or selfish at all, but I don't want that. I couldn't handle it, I mean of course I'll love the child, but to live the rest of my life having to watch it extra carefully? I couldn't do that. I don'tknow. I'm going to stop binging and purging; unless I actually have to eat, I won't. And if I do, then well I'll most likely get it up, even if it's not that bad I still can't help myself. Today I'm doing really well though, only a cup of iced tea - 70 calories! :) I was praying for a lond time last night, I just asked God if he could help me out today. I don't want to die, I don't want my babies to be retarded, I just want to loose weight. For wanting just one thing, I get all these other horrible things. Ahhh, whatever. I'm fasting today, I'll try to not get over 100 cal.
I'm gaining strength, and I think I like it.

allll day, staring at the ceiling;

Thank you all for following! :) 11 followers now, woohoo! Haha and I thought nobody would want to read this. Weell, I'm at 123 now!! Yeeeah buddy :) I had another binge lastnight though, but obviouslyy it didn't stay down. This morning I also ate, but that's not in me either. I never really ever imagined myself getting down to this, I've always wished I could be but now I really am. And I thought at 120 I'd be tinyy, but I think I could loose another 10 - 15 pounds. It just feels soo good. :) Maybe a guy could actually pick me up without a struggle, haha. Well I called Colin last night, I guess we sorted everything out. It's still not right though; I kinda feel a break up coming on, but I can't let that happen. We've had a thing for each other for two years, and we just started dating last November 11th. Tomorrow will be our 6 month! At least I hope it will be. He's prude, haha and we've never even kissed yet. I'm like dyinggg because I'm nott prude at all! But I respect him and when the time is right, it'll happen. :) I'm sorry if I'm rambling about my boyy, hah.
Well how is everyone doing?? I need some texting buddies, please! I can only text in the U.S. though, so if you live here drop me a comment with your number and I'll for suree text you! :)
I'm going to work outt, a lot. Pitching, crunches, jogging/dog walking, lifting, anything to get down to 122 by tonight! I said I'd be 120 by Monday, and I'm going to stick to my words! Wishh me luck, and I hope everyone is doing well! :)

not good, not good.

I didn't fast today, shame on me. :( binged and purged three times, THREE! I really wish I can stop doing this. But I'm still at 124. Colin and I made up today, but it doesn't feel right. Something's missing and I can't put my finger on it. I'm literally in love with him and I know he loves me too, but sometimes I think I'm putting too much into this while he doesn't try as hard..

Every time I purge now, I feel terribly sick after and I feel like this now. And after I drink my coffee in the morning I get sick, and just yesterday after I drank some tea I was really dizzy. It never happened before, but maybe it's just from the lack of food in me? Ohh well, I can suck it up.

I'm excited for next week, because I have a softball game every single day which means extra extra work outtt. :) I can definitely see myself getting down to maybe 116 by next Friday? It's a plan!
So there's been something on the back of my mind for a while now. My friend (the same one I went to the carnival with Wednesday) is taking me to Ocean City, Maryland over the summer like two weeks after school lets out. And we'll stay down there for like five days, and don't get me wrong, it sounds like soo much fun. I've never been out of state before, ever. And to see the ocean would be just beautiful, but I'm kinda debating whether or not I should go. She had to bring up the food, "there's amazing breakfasts at the hotel and we'll go out to eat pretty much every night.."
I told her to please not make me eat it, but she said it doesn't matter because it's a once in a while thing. NO! I'm just afraid her parents might make me eat a lot, especially her dad. Whenever I go out with her, her dad always always always buys me extra food, evern when I say NO THANK YOU! It's annoying! I wanted to tell her she can stuff her face if she wants but I'm not touching any greasy fattening food, but I didn't, hah. I don't want her to suspect too much. I don't know what to do about that, I'm still thinking everything over. But I'm going to go now, I need some water!

admit it, you're nothing.

First I want to say sorry for my break down yesterday, I'm usually not like that. But today was goodgoodgood :) - 123/124! I purged twice today, but what else is new. So I have nothing in me, and it feels great! I'm going to practice pitching in a little bit, then some more crunches before bed. I do about 100 every night; workin' on my soon-to-be-abs! Hahah well, someday abs. They're not even showing! But my ribs are, :) So I'm thinking about fasting tomorrow, for real this time. You know what I realized? And not to offend anyone at all, I'm bulimic myself, but bulimia is for the weak. it's for people who don't have self-control, and I want to gain self-control. I mean, don't you kinda agree with this? I'm not strong enough to resist food, so I indulge in it when i should really be avoiding it. Again, I'm sorry if that was mean, I don't mean to be mean in any way at all! :) Just a little thought of mine.
But back on the schedule for tomorrow; I'm going to fast, not eat. If I can make it through one day, I can make it through many many more. I'll write every time I want to eat, and if anyone ever needs anything I'm here for you. If you live in the U.S. I have texting and I would love to have more 'buddies' :) just email me for my number at emmbee413@aim.com.
One last thing, I want to say thanks for my new followers! :D I hope you're all doing well and don't hesitate to comment me. I'd love to read what you have to say! :)

first fight.

I feel like completely breaking down. I haven't had a good cry in a while. I'm still at 125, ate and threw up my insides twice today. So my boyfriend colin and I got into a fight. He's really big on health and such, and I simply told him that I'm trying not to binge and he flipped out on me. I said I wasn't eating (even though I was) and he was like yeah sure, whatever. How would he know, is he looking through my windows or something?! So I said "Fine, if it makes you happy I'll go shove my fingers down my throat." He replied "Okay, that's fine by me." So I went and threw up, never texted him back. But seriously, why would someone say that? Now that just makes me feel so unbelievably worse about myself. I'll fucking show him.
Tomorrow I'm fasting, I need to cleanse this disgusting body of mine. I feel the tears coming. I'm going to do crunches then I'm going to cry myself to sleep.

your hearing damage, your mind is restless.

thank you for my first follower :D haha that just made me happy! :)
weell, i'm at 126 still but i had a cup of coffee this morning, so it's probably that weight. i'll wait on it for a few hours, i'll drink some water to flush it out.
today's my first game, i'm so excited! but i think we're going to loose because no one knows what they're doing. ah well. i'm the starting pitcher, so if i do well we might actually have a chance, hah. i'm afraid that i might get dizzy or something, so i think i'll have like half a banana. it can't be that bad, right? i mean i'll burn it plus more, so by tonight i should be 125! :)
tomorrow i'm going to this fair / carnival with my bestfriend. :D i'm excited but i think she'll probably make me eat; but i won't. i almost wanna tell her everything, we've been best best friends for like seven years now? i feel bad, but i know if i tell her she'll make me get help or some sht. /: i can't tell her.
i want to share my horoscope from yesterday;
" Your life has taken a serious turn, and a sensible approach to your current responsibilities will help you make the most of this phase. Don't try to avoid the intensity now because it narrows your focus. Fortunately, the more you are able to concentrate your attention, the more effective you can be in overcoming your own resistance to change. "
i found this pretty ironic but i usually connect with them somehow. creepy, i know. haha
i'm going to take a shower, then i have to leave for my game by two. i'll write laterr, wish my team luck! :)
--
ah, whatta day!
well i ate a whole banana, and a 140 cal. / 3grams of fat granola bar :( not so bad, but i just binged terribly around seven, but its all back up, :) so i'm finally at 125! well its like 125.6 but still! i'm soo proud of myself. if i can get to 120 by monday, i will for sure loose ten more pounds back in school. sometimes i wonder what i'm really doing to my body when i throw up...i mean, it scares me that i'm like 'killing myself'. what if i die when i'm 30? well, let's hope i stopped by then. but still, i don't know.. i know i'll conitnue fasting and restricting and such, but throwing up i'll try to stop when i'm at like 110. i'll only do that on complete emergencies. but until then, i'll do whateverrr it takes. but anyways, we lost our
game. whatta surprise. i pitched very well tonight though, i don't mean to brag at alll, but i did do good.
i'm going to go do 200 crunches before i go to bed tonight though - my boyfriend gave this girl he used to like a diet routine, because he's big on health and such and she wanted one, and she's on my softball team and she said how she did 150 crunches and ran a mile or something. we're pretty good friends too, hah but i'm going to beat her. i don't know how i can walk/run a mile every day because i don't have a treadmill or anything like that, but i live on a dead end street, so i'll just take my dogs for walks. my mother will never know.

well i feel sick and i'm terribly sun burnt, i hope i don't have sun poisoning; i've been outside tanning every day since last thursday! hah but i'll do my crunches, get a good nights sleep, and wake up tomorrow to go to practice at 9 am. how lovely! hahha no but i'll write tomorrow after the carnival thing with my friend. goood night world, :)

in process

today was awesome. :) i'm at 126 right now, my new low! tomorrow i'm totally going for 125, and i have a softball game so that'll help my burn even more calories. but i want to start seeing results on my thighs, they're not shrinking! :( maybe i'll take up jogging or something. and i want to start doing cardio, i hear that realllyy helps. i hope when i get to 120 i can keep it off. ahh, i'm in the process of transforming myself and it never felt soo good. :)
weell, i'm going to do some crunches, i want abs! haha not hardcore ones, but just so i'm pretty toned up. oh dear, my mother just asked what i want for dinner, i mean i'm not hungry but i can't let her suspect anything..
i'll figure it out.

Easter

hello, i wish to remain anonymous, so please just call me emm. i don't know if anyone will read this, but if you do please don't be judgemental. i'm doing this mainly for myself but you're more than welcome to be apart of this. :)
i've been living with bulimia / anorexia for about two years now. currently i'm 127 my new low!! and it's spring breakk, so i'm going to get down to at least 120 before school restarts. i have exactly one week to loose seven more pounds, so about a pound a day? i play softball and every day this week i have practice or a game, so this should be easy.
well today i threw up like twice? ohh dear. but i'm at 127, so it's alll good. tomorrow morning i better see 126, and i'm just hoping i can last it through the day.
well, i'm going to go work out a little bit now before i go to bed, but i'll for suree be back tomorrow.