I feel like I'm failing you all..

I honestly feel like I have no right to write here anymore. I've been debating for the past weeks on whether I should or not, because my progress hasn't been so good. I'm out of rehab, but I still have to go back every now and then. November first is my next date. I had a blood test Thursday, my mom got my results back and my potassium is at 3.8 when it should be a 4.0 at the very lowest! So she flipped out on me, yeah. I don't know what my weight is and I am absolutely terrified to go check it, but I am going to today. ): Ugghh..I don't know. I'm flabby, all over. I'm going to work out today, and fuck eating. I really don't give a shit about this recovery shit anymore. I'm NOT going to gain weight anymore. Screw you Charlotte, you can go shove it up someones ass who cares, because I DON'T!
Sorry.
So Monday my mom has a meeting with social workers, Charlotte, my dad, lawyers and it's all court ordered because of everything I told the social workers. They're finally doing something about it. My dad wants custody of me and he's going to fight for it. I did a lot better in my 'recovery' at my dad's, and Charlotte doesn't really like my mom either, so obviously she's going to be on my dad's side. And whatever happens, I have no say in. I might have to go live with him this week, I don't know. It's all court ordered so I really do have to do it. I hate this.
Enough about my retarded life, how is everyone? Not updating this makes me feel like I'm missing something, and I hate not being able to talk to you guys. ): Well, yeah. That's all I wanted to say, for now at least. Hmmm..well, thanks for your time, it really does mean a lot.

Eight Days Ago.

Haha I don't know, needed a catchy title.
So rehab; I gotta gain a few pounds and then I'll be free to go back to my ways. Once they stop watching me this fat is coming allllllll off. FUCK YEAH!
Hahah
I've been waking up at 3:05 every morning for the past few weeks now. Feels good. (:
How's everyone doing? Last night was amazing. Went to my friend's show (he's in a band) and it was absolutely amazing. ♥
Ahhhhh
not much else to say. I'm feeling inspired, so I might go clean my room.
Hahah bye loveliess ♥

untitled.

So please please please don't wait for me,

I'm done with love. It always seems to just punch you in the face. And I feel like crying for hours because of last night. ):
Screw guys, that's all I have to say. Alex and I are done. OVER. From the start, I mean come on. Every single time, this happens.
I wish I could find the most perfect man for me one day. And soon, please!
God, fuck this. I'm going to go write...

I gotta keep this updated more.

We could of been the best of friends, now I'll never see this place again.

I'm done playing this game of love. This love game. Every single time, I always seem to end up hurt. Led on. Screwed over? Yeah. I have a confession to make. I didn't quit smoking. I've become like literally adicted. I need it now. Fuck this.
I'm sorry. I wish I could stop, and you know maybe I can just like that, but right now things just seem so messed up and I can't take it anymore. Alex (A♥) doesn't seem to want to talk to me. We hung out last night, just up town, nothing happened. He's really quiet. Then again, so am I! But I got my prescription filled and I'll be more chill around him which I so desperately need! But whatever. If he doesn't like me, then I'm done. Every single man I've ever met seems to be just like the last. And it'll never last, it'll never end. Is it really that hard to find just ONE, all I ask for is just one good guy out there. ♥
Please God, why can't I have just one. That's all I want, that's all I'll ever need. Just one good, sweet, cute guy. Like Alex, like E, like Colin, except minus all of their bad things that are not good.

Everyone has flaws though, right? Maybe this is just a flaw that I have; fall for guys too quickly. Yes yes yes. Any man in a flannel, ohmygoodness ♥ I'm fallling all over them! Forr reallz.
Time to stop! Time to get a life! Time to go pick up my weed! 0:
Sorryy.

OH MAN.

So I've been pretty much lightin' up every night now. And last night I was supposed to smoke with A♥ but he couldn't make it so I ended up smoking with E and another of his friends. Yeah. I'm done with E. I am done. And after last night, I am done smoking weed. And drinking. I'm getting clean for myself. I don't want anything to do with E anymore. He asked me to homecoming, and I said yes but I'm just going to make up an excuse why I can't go. I don't even like homecoming anyways. And I don't like him. Like, you don't understand.

Well A♥ is E's friend, we met a few nights ago and just started hitting it off. (:
We're supposed to hangout today at the mall, secretly somehow hhaha. He said he can get me a ride, and I'm pretty sure he drives, but yeah. I don't know. I've heard things about him, but I'm not going to think about it. Everyone has a past, yaknow? And everyone has a future. And everyone makes mistakes. I'm done speaking on this subject haha.

Out of fucking rehab, ! (: well i've been for like a week now. next monday i gotta go in and get weighed again. i lost like ten pounds, seriously (: so immma fill up on water and shit before I go. Ahaha.
Well thank you everyone for even reading this and commenting these. It means a lot to me. (:
9.25.10.
I go sober.
Let's see how long this lasts again? Haha no, but for real. At least not around anymore guys. Never ever ever again. How can I be so vulnerable? Fuq.

We've come this far, we will not back down.

Girls, everyone on this site is absolutely beautiful, in my eyes. And we all have this thing telling us not to eat, and we feel good when we don't eat. We just want to be thin, and skinny, and see our bones. Yes yes yes. ♥
And we will accomplish that goal. I just want everyone to know, that I will definitely help you in any way I can. I've been there and done it all before, kinda sad that I'm only fifteen. Hah.
But everyone please just smile, you are beautiful.
Never listen to the shit people wanna' talk about you, it's worthless and so untrue. Listen to your own voice, not the one in your head. Only you can speak and have true happiness. And that's all there is to it.
Last night was pretty dumb. I'm upset over somethings, but on the bright side I got to smoke weed, ate only peanuts/raisins and eight pieces of popcorn. Worked probably most of it off by walking around high. (:
Seriously the herb is the best thing God put on this earth.
I'm reverting to Buddhism soon too. (: I just love the thought of this Buddha guy and peacefulness. I'm becoming a vegetarian again too. Fuck everyone who says I have to eat meat because of my eating disorder and shit, I don't give a flying fuck about what you tell me. I will do what I will do, in the most UNconceited way possible.
Well everyone just stay strong, look at those hip bones and your ribs and feel your tail bone all the way up your back;
for that is pure beauty that most people will never understand. ♥
Have a good day loveys. (:

:D

TONIGHT I AM LIGHTINNN' UP WITH EEEE!!!!
<3
<3
<3
<3
AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE HAHA BUT WITH HIMMMMMMMMMM!
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SOSOSOSOSO HAPPPYY!! YES!
:D
HEHEHE
just wanted to get my excitement and happiness out.