recovery and a goodbye.

I'm really trying to fight this now. Everything that has happened to me, in these past few months, have happened for a reason. I don't know what that reason is for, yet, but I'll know soon. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me in some way or another. Even if you've only commented once, you don't know how much appreciation I have for you. Even though this is an illness that I'm supporting, I no longer can provide anything but hope and strength to you guys. You're all such beautiful people, I'd hate to loose any of you.<3
You've all touched my life in some way and I really can't say thanks enough.
I'm now starting my journey to greater heights, a life where ED doesn't exist and the numbers have no meaning. Sure, she'll always be there to talk to me once in a while, but I'm stronger now. I won't let her get back inside. This is a real goodbye to my eating disorder.
Another thing I want to talk about is July 4th...
I didn't tell anyone, except some of my 'closest' friends who seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. They don't want an 'anorexic' friend...or a pregnant one..(I still don't know, but I've had so many cravings and no period...)
They don't want me anymore and I'll never be good enough for them. I'm sorry that I let all of this happen to me, even if I didn't intend on doing so. But like I said, everything happens for a reason.<3
For as my mom, haven't heard from her in over three weeks now, and she's pressing charges against me for shit I didn't even do.
You know, sometimes I just want to cry. I wanna just break down, but if I do so, I let all my demons back in because they know I'm weak. I just have to stay strong, and keep my chin up. I may not be very pretty at all, or have any friends, or have a home, or parents, or anything, but I know I have all of you guys here for me. And it means so much. <3
I really want to thank you Charr especially. You've been there for me since day one and I really can't say thank you enough or how much you've impacted me. You mean a lot to me, and I hope I've helped you in some way too. I'm always here for you, I just hope that you know that.

This isn't a goodbye to my blog, no no no. I've fallen in love with blogging. And I want to use this as inspiration of to never going back to my own ways.
I'm trying to get better, I really am. I'm poppin' some ativan on the side to help me be numb. It doesn't work as well as alcohol though, because I have to wake up every morning and remember everything. I just hate this, I wish someone out there can make me happy. Happy like how I was three years ago before any of this started. I wish I never started. I wish I could go back and take it all back, every single little thing. But I guess if I've done anything different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't make this mistake ever again, because it'll be with me for my whole life. And I'm sorry to everyone whom I've hurt through all of this. . .


I don't know what else to say, I'm about to cry. I just...need something out there, you know? I just need something.
Thank you everyone, I really can't say that enough. <33