For once I wish I could just loose this disgusting disease. I don't wanna keep binging then purging then starving then binging and purging. I need help but I don't want it. I've had it before and they pushed me too far, and I couldn't take it. I'm not going to listen to anyone but my own self in this, because other people don't understand this shit. Whatever.
So last night I was supposed to hang out with N ♥. But of course he chooses this tiny beautiful girl over me. She's like not even five feet tall, so tiny and pretty and I guess just amazing. I wish I could be like that, just for once. I wish I could mean a lot to someone, I wish that someone was N. He's all I look for in a guy, and all the shit he's said to me, like damn. Is he lying? I don't know what to believe anymore. Another relationship is fucked up. Woooo.
Time to purge and then starve and not eat. My throat hurts so fucking bad, ugh. Fuck today and last night and my mom and my disgusting fat self. I'll show everyone what this girl is made of. Fuck you world, you can't control me. You can't make me shove food down my throat anymore or make me purge. I just won't eat because I'm going to get selfcontrol. I don't need anyone in my life either, just me, myself, and I. That's all I need. :(
