Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Purpose? I found it.

And I am free. ♥
So turns out I'm no drug addict, who would of guessed!? People need to worry about their own selves. I'm good.
So I totally felt like blogging and being all inspirational, but after reading some blogs I follow, I lost that feeling. I'm going to go back outside and lay in the gorgeous sun that's RARELY ever out anymore here in Ohio. Enjoy the little thigns in life & appreciate them. Seriously, I am done taking things for granted. Tomorrow, no the next two minutes, could change your life.
Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Hope everyone's well.
Love all, serve all and create no sorrow; unity.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

So of course!

I accidentally deleted my picture stats. thing on the side. Hahaha
But this is me currently!

June 21
Nothing to be real proud of, fitting into size 1 pants for work.

I have to go for this drug & alcohol assessment today, before I go to work which is lame. Do I have a drug problem? Maybe, but it's no big deal! Haha I just do oxy's a lot ♥ Lovee them. Pain killers? Hell yeah. Mostly the opiates. & mi Bacardi ♥

Let's see how this goes.

Fuck you Pam.

I just want to go home.

I miss my mom. Yeah, the one who abused & hurt me.

Forgive all and hold no sorrow.

Forgive all. And that's just what I'm gonna do.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I never thought it'd be like this

Take me back to the Good Times.

I wanna be young again.

Oh well. How am I doing? Alright! Not really, but you know. ;)
Haha no I'm pretty good;
Weekend consisted of sister's graduation party. Restricted first half, binged & purged the rest of the night. God, there was so much food there, you couldn't imagine.
Monday consisted of a huge binge/purge in the morning then an almost successful fast! Korrine (counselor) weighed me and said my weight went down A LOT. (score!) but I guess I shouldn't be showing the weight loss off just yet, she can put me in IP. But I came back to Pam's to find out that she was appalled by the amount of food gone. (binge from the morning) says we can't 'pig out' like that, etc. Really triggering but, did me well.
Then Tuesday, yesterday, I fasted 'til dinner. Have a salad. Later last night I just couldn't control myself and I binged. (Yes, purged too. Don't feel like writing that also because I find it pointless. Anything I binge on without a doubt comes up!) But yeah. Then this morning I had a little binge, little for me at least ahah. Drinking coffee now for the rest of the day. Gonna try not to binge again. I gotta empty the bottles out from last night, sitting in the closet..
ew ew.
So yeah, that's been my life. Jonathan & I started talking again! I messaged him, talking to him about rehab, now we're texting, hopefully hanging out soon. And Adam I'm writing to still, but in a notebook again. Should send the last letters today but I think it's too late. Ah well. I wish I could get another one from him today. ♥
I pretty much blog in the notebook to Adam so that's why I'm not on here much. Wish I was, but whatever. Hope everyone is well! I start my job tomorrow. I'm going to put up another progress picture to the right, so go look look look! :)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cheesy? Not the food, LOL

You have a beauty all your own.
You have a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful heart.
The person you are on the inside only accentuates and intensifies your external beauty.
You are beautiful because you contain substance.
Because you are imperfect and have flaws, yet strive to do good for yourself and others despite them.
You are most beautiful when you are genuine; when you speak your truth.
Because when you tear down the walls and cast aside the facades, your inner beauty shines with a light strong enough to illuminate the most impenetrable darkness.
This is beauty.
And it is you.

Yes, that is you. People are so beautiful and they don't realize it sometimes. I hope everyone out there realizes it. ♥
I wish a boy would say that to me. I wish a boy would buy me chocolates & flowers & write me love notes. LOL
No but really, that would be so cute. I wouldn't exactly eat the chocolates, but you know, it's the thought that counts.
I wish Adam was out, tomorrow is one month. Does it really count if he's in jail though? Mm..

In the tenuous dance of life, we are all fragile flames.
We can so easily be blown out; our life force stripped from us within seconds.
Yet we can so easily burn bright and grow, illuminating not only our own darkness, but lighting the shadowy paths of others whom are lost.
Tend to the fire that lies within you.
Feed it.
Nurture it.

June 15th

Sorry it's not the best picture but that's what I have for now. Ew. Fat Fat FAT. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Fucking disgusting. Sure I got the gap but there's still so much fat.
I'm getting aggitated and maybe it's because of all of the fat on me is growing and growing and I'll always be fat and ugly and disgusting.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Medication really makes you crazy.

@ CAliChica;
Thanks lovely, now to keep that in mind for next time. ♥

@ ivy;
Haha yes yes :)

@ Dani;
Yes, it is like 'fuck off!' I hate this disease too, but keep your chin up because someday you'll be free. ♥

10:10 a.m.
Coffee coffee coffee.
Don't you hate it when you can over hear your dad and his girlfriend talking about you? It's horrible, it truly is. But it makes me not want to eat at all.
10:11 a.m.
Sorry about my last post. These medications are really messing with my head. I still took them this morning, and even an extra of both of them! Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll get sick.
10:12 a.m.
I really don't know why I'm writing down the hour to the minute. Ha, just go along with it and tell me I'm not losing my mind! Haha no but,
10:13 a.m.
Okay I am done with the time thing! Haha :)
I already have a migraine, it's probably from my medication. Time to take more to get rid of the migraine! Advil doesn't effect you that much, so it's all good. Today I have my job orientation! I don't know what to wear or anything, but Abby - the manager - said it doesn't really matter because all it's going to be is paperwork. But I'm going to look my best, despite what Ed has to say. Although I'm slaving for him this morning, I will hush him down to get myself ready for this job.
My hair is falling out again, just as badly as last summer too. You know what that means! You know what though? I know my dad & Pam know that I'm having behaviors. Everyone does. My sister, my mom, my counselors, everyone. But they're not doing anything about it. They don't know what to really do for me either, and I'm glad they are just staying out of it. Then again, maybe they don't know. Maybe all my fat just shows them how much I'm consuming or keeping down, how much I'm not working out. I want them to be concerned, I want them to make comments. It feeds Ed. Ha wow, that's ironic. We starve ourselves to feed Ed his satisfaction. It's so true.
Well I'm going to end this, & go work out. I will until I pass out. - This weekend is my sister's graduation party and I want people's jaw to drop as they see me. - I want it to be like last summer, I want to hear all the "Oh my goodness, she's so skinny!" & "She must live off of air!" & "Oh of course you make the skinniest girl carry the heaviest things." & "You can eat anything, if I could take a hundred pounds off of me to give to you I would!" & "EAT SOMETHING!" .
I want all of those words to fill up my head. I want everyone to make at least one comment. If I can get that, then I'm doing good. If I don't, then you better believe I'm bringing ana back strong. Oh hell yeah. ♥

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


@ americaneagle;
Thank you for he long comments! ♥ I very muchly so enjoy them! I hope you have a safe three weeks, my blog will always be here for you to read anytime! :)
@ Dani;
Thanks dear, yes yes I kept it down I think. I binged & purged @ the party, damn food. But thanks for the support so much, it means a lot. :) & i've been drinking that!!! My dad buys it for me all the time, zero cal ♥ i'll go drink some right now actually haha. To be honest I keep the big bottles after I drink it all, hide it in the closet & use it to purge in. Nobody knows, and then just pour it in the toilet, flushh it, wash out bottle & reuse!
Sorry I had to get my method out there. How low is that? I don't know. I'm starting to think this disease is worse than what I know..
@ ivy;
Thanks lovely, I had an okay time. I wanted to meet some new people, drink / socialize but my dad made us leave early. Basically I missed the real party because all the kids came later. Oh well. My sister's is this weekend so I'll have the whole night hehe. :) I hope you're doing well, I'm going to go to your blog & read read read! ♥

So obviously I'm kinda happy today.

I woke up, took my meds & made some coffee. Drank two cups and started a binge. :( Only eight eggs, four pieces of toast, half a bag of curly fries, and about half a container of ice cream.

If you think that's a lot, then I shouldn't mention any other binges in my past because it will probably make your stomach explode. But yeah, the whole time I'm saying to myself "I don't want to do this, like wtf!"

The addiction is truly stronger than me & I'm just allowing it to take me over.

I don't know. Just putting my thoughts out there.

I want to blog every day but I can't find myself to sit here on the computer for that long. I feel like I should be doing other things. Oh well.
Tomorrow I'll hopefully have a friend over! Courtney! Haha she's cool, she's real.

Also have my job orientation tomorrow @ 230! I think I have the job because she says that it's all paperwork & what not, but we will see! I hope I do have it! GO WENDYS! Haha

Ew, being around that food though. I'm going to get self control. :)))

No binging. Oh my goodness. I think that this will really do me well, I can learn how to really restrict and hold back my urges to binge. God has good intentions. ♥

I found nine four leaf clovers yesterday! I always find so many when I go to my counseling place; outside is this little stone walk way and around it are clover patches.

Oh my gooodness. It just hit me. It's a huge memorial area remembering all of the veterans & soldiers. Yesterday I was thinking that it must be something in the air or water or weird clovers. I don't know.

But I bet it's the presence of all the soldiers. Yes? They're not buried there or anything, no no, just huge rocks and flowers and imprinted thank you's to personal fam. members on the stone walk way. I'll take a picture next time & post it - too hard to explain.

I'm good right now, just coffee & lots of sugar & cream in me. I think that's why I'm so fat; all of the sugar and cream in the coffee I drink, or even tea!

Could it be? I mean in a cup of coffee I add at least 5-6 spoons of sugar, then pour cream in 'til it's a mid light / dark tan color. Oh dear.

Another thing is Bing Crosby. - White Christmas.

My mom told me yesterday when I saw her that she read / heard somewhere (yes she's very very weird, not normal but shes my mom♥) & so if you listen to that song while having lots of coffee in you, and only coffee, people hallucinate! Hahah so I'm going to try it. I'll post my next blog with my personal experience! Haha I love all of you guys, you honestly keep me ispired & happy & full of life. Blogging is the best thing that happened to me. :) I love you guys, ♥

Saturday, June 11, 2011

It's inspiration, not THINspiration.

I'm feeling good right now, head held high.
Fuck the dumb shit, I'm livin' life right now, I'm doin' me. ♥


Theme song of my day. :)

Thank you Kes & Dani for the answers! I mean, I kinda had all of that in mind, but I didn't know I could just drop dead..
It scares me.
I just ate a salad. Not a real salad, just some lettuce, cucumber, & onion. Then I salted it. Haha I put salt on everything! I'm keeping this down. I'm going to a graduation party now.
I'll write more laterrr.

Friday, June 10, 2011


Fuck you Cassie. You post your little facebook status about me and drugs.
Well you're some fat, ugly piece of two faced shit. Seriously you are fat & two faced & ugly & shit. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.

Okay, I post my facebook status as "I need fulfillment."

Cassie the fatass says in her's "Not to burst your bubble, but you wont find fullfillment within alohol and drugs. Kayy."

What the FUCK?

Here's the conversation;

Me; Excuse me, but I don't know what I've ever done to you for you to even be bitching about me? I don't find fulfillment with drugs etc. THANKS.

Cassie; I know you've never said anything to my face, but you have lied to me. And I don't see what else you find fulfillment in considering that's all you talk about...and it just pisses me off that you act like no ones ever there for you. THANKS. :)

Me; Wtf are you even talking about? Like you never offered me yours & your stolen dad's pills in math? Like you never asked to drink with me? Hahah. It's not all I talk about & how do I act like no one's ever here for me?
Cassie; Because you begged me for my dads pills. Did I give them to you? No. Because I actully care about you and I dont treat you like a dog feeding you pills. Tori and I think of you more highly then some of those shitheads ever will. And from t...he way you just ignore tor. Ugh its like rediculous. Were always trying to help you quit. LIKE you say you do but dont. and how you say you absolutely hate madison. HAHHAH okay. You act like no one understands or gives a damn when there just lkosing there pateince.

Me; No I never begged you to steal them, you had them in your hands when I begged for them. Hell, anyone offers I don't say no. I ignore Tori? We don't even talk. You care? How is caring posting this status about me? How is this even helping me...? It's degrading. Let all of facebook know why don't you. I wasn't even talking about drugs when I said I needed fulfillment. Cassie, I find fulfillment in food an you know that. I deal with that problem by pills & shit. What I was talking about was that I need to find fulfillment in something other than food. Not drugs, like really? What people don't understand is this fucking addiction to food & it's whats killing me. Pills numb it, but its still there. You guys don't get it, nobody does unless they have the same disease. People think they can help but it's me who needs to help myself.

Cassie; Thye thing that just makes me angry, is that tori was there for you, and you lied to me, about spreading a bigger lie to like 5 people. Im not even gonna get into it. Kay Megan, seriously Im just tired of it. Im sorry its killing you but yo...u should think before you say I need fullfillment. And all that shit. We all know Madison is bad for you. You need help. Thats not helping you. Get real help from a real friend or from a center. cuz we care. sorry if it feels like Im degrading you, but you are the one who just admited everything in a status.

Me; By saying I need fulfillment? What the fuck, I'm done. Madison is not bad for me, she's my friend, stop bringing her into this equation because she has nothing to do with anything! 5 people whaat? I don't even get what you're saying. Send me back to fucking rehab, you see where that got me? You see what I did after I got out in November? Like that helped.
I do need help though, thanks for pointing that out. But whatever, just fucking don't post shit about me & drugs because it's retarded & you don't even know what you were talking about. Just stopppppppppppppppppppppppppp. I'm done.

Cassie; Im just trying to tell you your never gonna help yourself by making it numb. And if you really know that,m Im suprised. THANKS.

deleted all my shit. not even going to waste my time replying.
i can call that fat bitch out in a second.
but i wont.
fuck her fuck her fuckkkk her.
Ever since I got ed I lost everyone in my life. My best friend, now this friend? Well ex so called friend. I don't get it. Fuck you disgusting eating disorder. Fuck it dood. I need a draaankkk & my pills. fuck it.

Sorry i just needed to vent. New post tomorrow or something. :(

A lot of the people I thought were friends, aren't.

in the middle

of a b-b-b-binge.
I have a question that I'll ask after thanking you lovely comment-ers. ♥

@ Dani;
Thank you so much for being here for me, I'm going to start checking my emails every day now to talk with you. ♥

@ Emmeepee;
I love you so much ♥ You've been in my prayers too since the first day at cced. I hope I can break this cycle, someday. I'm not ready to get help (again) I'm not ready to stop my behaviors. I can only change if I'm willing to do so, & as much as I hate this ed I'm not willing to let him go. I don't know, but I'll text you later dear.

@ americaneagle;
You are so not lecturing! Thank you so much for the long paragraph, I absolutely adore when people put long messages to me. :) Do it again sometime, please? Haha but really, thanks for your words. My legs are fat fat fat, I'll post another picture update soon. My stomach, oh goodness. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But thank you again dear. ♥

Why is purging so dangerous? I mean, I've been told numerous times that it's effecting my heart, burning my esophogus / teeth / etc.

Some informing stuff, ha ;
I get blood tested to see if my electrolites are at the right level and if my potassium level is low that's bad. Potassium is like a main electrolite for your heart, and it's supposed to be around a 4.0. My potassium level was a 2.9 last summer. I was hospitalized, but that's a different story. Anyways if your potassium is too high (4.4 & up) or too low (3.8 & down) your heart goes out of rythym. That can cause cardiac arrest. Mine was a 2.9 for God knows how long, & I mean anything could of happened to me. I can still sometimes feel my heart beating crazy fast; then I get so light headed & dizzy I have to lay down or I will just fall down. But everytime I eat it goes super fast, like my poor stomach knows it's not going to digest any food, & I purge.
I don't know. That's just some information on heart problems & what not.

But is it really that serious? Maybe this is ed typing these words & not giving a shit.
Who knows.

I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't need food at all. I wish I didn't eat food at all! I wish I didn't have to waste so much of it, I'm basically flushing money down the toilet.
Sometimes I wish my dad & Pam would know I'm having behaviors. But other times I so friggin happy that they don't. I don't want to keep food in me, or even put it in me to begin with. I want to be thin & beautiful. Not fat. I don't like my size at all, everyone tells me I'm so skinny but why can't I tell myself that? Why can't I believe their words? WHY!? I wish I was as beautiful as Kate Emery.
She was my best friend until she moved to Florida last summer. She had ed since fifth grade! So skinny, so beautiful. Like she was drop dead gorgeous; blonde hair looooong, smooth, naturally straight hair; blue eyes, perfect complexion, amazing singing voice. She was perfection. Actually she is what kinda started me on mia. Oh yeah, now that I think about it, no doubt in the world that she was a huge trigger for me. But now she's recovered and healthy, from last I know. I miss her. We never talk anymore & it really gets me down but I try not to think about it. Mmm..

I need to empty my stomach now.
Much love to everyone. ♥

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Addicted much?

I'm literally addicted to food. I am.
I can't NOT taste it, & when I taste it I need to get filled up from it. Super filled, I'm searching for fulfillment but I don't seem to get it from anywhere but food.
My stomach blows up to the size of a beach ball after a binge, no joke, and then after ... it goes back to it's regular size but still. Hmmm
I wish I never started down this path. I wish I never did any of this.
I'm letting everyone down. I don't want to be a let down anymore.
I'm sorry Meggg (you know who you are♥) but right after texting you I went outside like I said. Then Pam, my dad's girlfriend says that she is going out. Okay cool, home alone! Not cool. I can't stop myself when no one's home.
I binged. I purged. I took pills. I binged again. I purged. Right now I'm freaking out because I know I didn't get all of this up, but I'm so tired of throwing up. I'm still home alone, causing my second binge. I'm sorry.
I need to lose this disgusting stomach of mine. For real. It's huge, I'm huge, my thighs are huger. God please fuuuhhhh hahaha almost swore there! But no, God please help me. Just help me. I don't know what to ask to help me with, but just help me.

F you Ryan.
-He's this kid I hooked up with weeks ago-
He says all this bs to me & vulnerable fat old me gives in. Whatever, I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Never felt this way before towards someone, but he used me and I am done with that bs.
Yes I know I betrayed Adam, but it was the night I found out he's back in jail & gave them all a really hard time & I thought he wouldn't change so I'm like screw this. I was drunk too, that just makes everything better!
Not really, but you know.
Actually alcohol = looooovee ♥
But my parents are both alcoholics, way to follow down that path!
Alright, well excuse me while I go vomit my insides up because my stomach is feeling fat & I need to empty it more.
Thanks everyone, 50 followers now! Yaay. :)
Thank you all so much. ♥

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

3/12/12 ♥

@ ToxicwastEDgal ;
Thank you! :) It's really is a sum total of us. We control what we do, say; how we walk, respond; what we say; and the list goes on. Never feel like you can't do what you want to do, you have to start from knowing that you can please everyone. It's an acceptance matter that takes time & I know you can reach it. Just stay strong. ♥

So March 12, 2012 is the day I'm looking forward to. Adam is released from jail then. Will I wait for him? Of course. Will I wait forever? I don't know.
I'm writing him a letter right now. I'm debating on whether or not to send him all the letters I've been writing to him or to still keep them and send a few. I want to start sending them again everyday to keep him a little sane, ha, but I don't have the stamps or envelopes to do so. Hell, I don't even have the money. But if there's a will, there's a way. Yes? I still have my faith in him and he even said he'll change. He says that this is no way to live and I couldn't be happier to hear those words come from him.
Now for me to say those words about ana. I don't think I can, yet. I don't know what it will take for me to say it either, I just hope and pray to God that I'm not sitting in rehab when I finally do say it.
Hmm I don't know.
Huge binge this morning.
Then I ate raisins, strawberries, grapes & one banana. Kept it in. As long as the food doesn't have fat in it, I think I'll keep in down. Calories on the other hand, it cann't be above 200. Even 150 is my limit. :(
I'm so limited enough in life, now my food is too. But it's worth it in the end, I won't be some fat ass blob. Fuck that.
I say fuck too much. I'll stop.
My dad just asked me to set the table for dinner. What to do, oh what to do.

Monday, June 6, 2011


@ ivy ;
Thank you! I just speak my mind & I'm happy I can inspire you. :)

@ CAliChica ;
Yes! Ana = Perfection. I want to be thin & light & not taste a thing. Of course after I binge/purge on the last jar of peanut butter in the pantry, my dad's girlfriend buys some more. :( Thank you though, I'll try & stay strong the best I can. I can have self control. ♥

@ Dani ;
Thank you :) I hope you are doing well! ♥

My therapist and doctors noticed my weight dropping & now they get to keep a close eye on me! Oh dear. I mean, come on now, I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy, I don't give a flying fuck what doctors & others think about me, (the word me includes my weight).
People just always have to get involved with things they have no right knowing! I don't ask for my therapist's weight, nor
my doctors, so what should mine matter? :(

Sometimes I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. Now that school's finally out, I'm free from all their faces. I look at the teachers and wonder why they’re here. If they like their jobs, or us, & I wonder how smart they were when they were sixteen. Not in a mean way, in a curious way. It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes & a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking, & wondering why.

Life is really broken down into wondering. I wonder why people have to care whether or not I'm eating. What does it matter, my food intake does not effect your life! in fact it saves you money! Yeah dad, stop talking about all the fucking money you have to spend on groceries for us. Maybe that would make me feel a little less guilty.

I think I should speak up. I mean, sometimes we shouldn’t be a coward. We should hold up our courage and put aside our pride to say those things we wish to, to certain people. It doesn’t take your life away to apologize, it doesn’t kill you just to confess to the one you love. All we need is bravery. And who knows, before you could even realize, there would’t be a second chance for you to say what you have been bottling up anymore.

Trying to become a good or a better human being sounds like a commendable and high-minded thing to do, yet it is an endeavor you cannot ultimately succeed in unless there is a shift in consciousness. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge.
I do not think badly of others when they treat me unkindly. Rather, I feel gratitude towards them for giving me the opportunity to train myself to handle adversity.

We’re all on a search, each and every one of us. We’re all looking for something. You see a lot of people who get messed up in certain situations that we would think are bad situations they need to be rescued from, but in reality they’re looking for the same thing everybody’s looking for. Nobody wants to be hungry. Nobody wants to be fat. Everybody wants a purpose for why they’re alive. Everybody wants to be happy. Why can't we just be happy?
Someday I'll find the answers to all my questions. Someday could be any day I choose. Hell, it could even be today. But I am not strong enough yet to let go of everything I already believe in and replace it with new things to learn. That's my faulty in life, in everyday living, thinking & breathing. I believe I can't let go, but I willl learn how to.
Stay strong everyone, ♥

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Start all over again

Peanut Butter.
It's my worst enemy.
I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
But I'm so in love with it.
I can't be at peace in this house until the jar is gone, and I think it might just be devoured. Fuck my eating disorder. :(
I waste so much food, so much time on this. I hate it. I want to spend my time doing more happier, positive things. I want to be making something of myself, not eating myself to death. I want to be productive!
Fuck you Ed. I love you but I don't think bulimia is the way to be anymore.
I've said this a thousand times and never changed, but this time I mean it when I say that this is my last binge. Honestly. I cannot continue living like this. I love being a size 0 in Hollister Jeans ♥ but bulimia will not control me anymore.
I'll use it when I absolutely have to; family criteria. But there is no other exception of me eating. Nope.
Hello Ana, open this world up for me. I want to leave the vomiting behind, and let the starvation begin.
I remember..two years ago when I was Ana. -Two years ago. Wow, Ed and I have have a more serious relationship than I thought. Then again I don't remember life before Ed and I sure as hell can't imagine it without Ed. They tried to strip him off me, but fuck them. No matter how many rehabs / therapists I see, I can get around them. I really can. Now that I'm smarter. - Anyways!
Yes, two years ago. I would go without food forever and I love that feeling. Constant exercise, dizziness, feeling light & feeling free. One day I'll come back to that, when I gain self control. When I can stop eating all the food in the house, when I don't have to be some fat ass pig & eat & eat & eat. One day I'll find my inner self, my true, pure, peaceful being underneath all this mess.

I'm feeling inspired;

I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on? … I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am sixteen and I am already exhausted.

"It's not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."

Wow. This video seriously just changed my life -


It's true. Why the fuck do we feel the absolute need to fit in? I started doing my own thing a while ago, sayin' fuck the haters! But now it's just as if I have that backbone there to support me even more.

Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast; you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

I don’t know what happened. How we all became so fragile, so incredibly breakable. I don’t know why my tears can fall so easily; yet every singe one feels like I’m failing at this facade of being happy, ‘fine’, and alive. I don’t understand how missing someone can quietly kill you & how an unrequited love, just robs you of this sense of hope we all should have. I can’t comprehend how everyone thinks I’m so strong, and brave, when all I feel is weak and scared. I don’t know when this happened, when life became like this. Because looking back, it’s always been this way.

Meeting you felt like coming home. You made me better, you made me happy. It would be my greatest honor if I could spend the rest of forever making it up to you.

"Until we lose ourselves there can be no hope of finding ourselves. We are of the world, and to enter fully into the world we must first lose ourselves in it."

I have no advice for anybody; except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time, and how that is beautiful, and has poetry inside. Even places you hate.

"No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now."

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside; remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

-When I saw my mother on Thursday, she said I have something inside of me that's eating me up. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I laughed. For just the day before I said the same exact words.

Today, all I did was curl up in bed with your smile and the sound of your voice when you laugh, and it was the best day I’ve had all week.
I miss Adam so much. I love him, I really do. Sure he's in jail but there is something there that I've never felt before. God, please watch over my baby and make sure he is always in good hands; your hands. Please help him make better choices and invite him in. Please God, he's all that I got now. ♥

I'm falling back in love with blogging again. Thanks everyone out there, after tomorrow I should have more time to read all of your blogs. Take care lovelies. :)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Hold on, we're getting closer now

The price we pay, is it worth it?
Those were two separate blogs I just read and they really inspired me. ♥
I just thought putting them together in one sentence would be cool.
Yeah, fuck you Colin Gower. I fell asleep last night on you, or I should say passed out cold, and we didn't do any picture exchange - So he texts me tonight, 8:54 pm, "Want to do the pic thing now" . Um yeah no! Seriously fuck guys. I'm gonna become a lesbian. Not really, but guys nowadays can really push us girls to that point! (Nothing at all against gays, much love and support!). Well today I woke up to an early morning BINGE! Fuck that. Then after my sister's graduation we have to go to Olive Garden. Oh well, binged off that place. And of course it's all floating away in the sewage systems somewhere. That's sad how much money I waste on food, how much food I waste on this body of nothing, how all the poor children in Africa could be eating but instead I'm letting them starve. :(
I don't want to think that far anymore. I'm sorry.

Hopefully Madison can come pick me up later. Hell yeah I'm sneaking out!
I'm trying to be straightedge. Hahaha no seriously. I want to be, but then as soon as someone offers I'm not going to say no! I'm too easily influenced, vulnerable, inpatient. I don't want to be any of those words anymore.
I saw my mom again today. Every time I see her I get in this complete angry / agitated feeling. I'm so irritable! That's the word. Every single thing she says I get tense at and mad. I don't know why.
Well the parentals are back. I think I won't pretend to go to sleep or anything and totally not wait for Madison. Ha
I'm going to write tomorrow. Thank you guys for commenting, it makes me happy to know someone out there is reading my thoughts and actually caring enough. ♥ Thank youus :)

Friday, June 3, 2011


I've been wanting to blog so much lately, but I couldn't because my dad wouldn't let me on the computer. I'm grounded, ha. Last Friday I went out with Madison ♥ my girl, and we got shit faced, completelyyyyyyyyyyyyy plastered. I don't remember a thing! But as long as I didn't hook up with anyone it's all good. :)
No but I guess when I came inside, I threw up everywhere..yeah long story haha but that's pretty much what's been going on.
Fuck, never drink and take muscle relaxers. Especially on a day of your finals. Whatever, passed out at noon, woke up by seven ha. :) We started drinking at seven in the morning! Me and Madison. She's all I got right now since Tori is gone. I'm kinda glad we have some space, but it's like I'm so alone. Ed hasn't been at all nice to me lately. I just drank two cups of tea so hopefully that will drown her out for a while.
I met with my mom yesterday, supervised visit. Pretty lame, she made me cry and shit. Yet I want to go back there? I don't know why. She hurts me so much but I love her so much, that's not right!
Don't you hate after purging how you're so thirsty sometimes? These are one of those times.
My mom said that there's something inside me eating me up. I laughed.
If only she knew how bad Ed is, how I completely bullshitted my way around everyone. But I miss CCED (Ed rehab) and I want to go back. Maybe it's just because of all the loving people there. Clair & Britt ♥ . All of the other girls with Ed. I can relate so much, I like feel at home. They see me cry & watch me grow. It's peaceful there, for the most part.
I need to find my inner peace. And until I do so, I'll probably fast. I have sand in my ear hahah, Madison & I were rolling in the volleyball sand court this morning, I think :)
Well. I'm super tired. Sorry Colin but I will not be sending you pictures tonight, even though you are and probably always be my first love who is a complete douche. Last April - what he said to me will always be with me
"I'll shove my fingers down my throat then"

Fine, I don't care

And you still seem to never care. All you want is to hook up with me & then push me back down. You're not tying me down this time boy, I'm free.
Adam wrote me a letter; court on june 1 apparently didn't go well. I don't know how long he's in for, but I'll find out in the next letter. I love that boy, but I don't think I can have a relationship with him. He's in jail, that's not a very good future. Sure I'll help him and I will, I'm not going to just leave. But until he can be sober and stable, then I'll be with him. It breaks my heart to say that but I mean, I'm growing up & I can't wait forever.
I need more tea. & SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Hope everyone is well. ♥