Friday, July 29, 2011
Food is binged up in my tummy.
How's ya'll ?
My dad doesn't give a shit. He's upset about the $$$ I'm costing him. I hear them talk at night. Why be two faced? I don't get it. Maybe I never will. Yeah, I never will.
Blogging is blogging
Like what the fuck am I talking about? I need a life. And a better job haha.
I think I'm just posting to post. Let everyone know I'm still alive possibly? SURE THANG HONEY.
I've lost my mind hehehe haw.
Okay fuck me, I'm being dumb. FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR GUYSS! -
Gottta get this shit UP.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I really wish I never started. Fuck bulimia, I was just watching a documentary on eating disorders and they said it takes about seven to ten years to fully recover. No. I'm not wasting seven or ten years of my life trying to beat something that I want to keep. Fuck this shit yo, haha.
So I'm kinda crazy; I dug through the trash and got back my laxxxxies! Yeah, gross but they weren't like all disgusting or anything.
And when my dad came home yesterday, we talked for a while. It was weird. He cried. Yes he did, he cried. Agrown man, turning 49 this December cried! It is possible people for parents to cry! I found this out yesterday. It was so sad, he's just like "I just want you to get better, and I thought this would be less stressful for you to get away from your mom because she took everything out on you, and I just want you to get better" And he hugged me too. It made me cry as well, then again anything could, aha, but yeah. :(
Makes me want to actually try and beat this disease. For him. ♥
He also told me that he'd rather see me not eat at all than to eat and throw up.
I'll take him up on that, aha.
So yeah, my updates for noww. I get paid tomorrow! Probably some shitty amount like 60$ ? I got like 73 last time. I NEED MORE HOURS! Oh wow, deje vou haha I said that in the last post. But yeah I do need them and I'll go in tomorrow for my mulla $$$
Things I can buy; Hollister Hoodie (always been a HUGE want ♥) annnnd bigger gauges :) I currently have 7/16ths which are one size above 00. YEeeeeah buddy.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I just hate this. I hate being me. I hate waking up every morning, every single God damn morning, to look at myself in the mirror and see my fat everywhere. EVERYWHERE! No one understands; I'm always hungry, always wanting to lose weight, wanting to eat everything in sight one minute, then starve myself the next. No one gets it. Bulimia fucking sucks. Anything you eat, even if it's the most healthiest thing ever, I will throw it up. Or find something more to binge on and then get it up.
Enough of me complaining. /:
Those laxatives weren't cheap!
I want to eat something. I poured out a full bottle of gatorade last night so I have at least something for today! Hiding under my pillows, I know, gross right? But I'm this desperate to not get fucking fat. Why don't I work out more? I think I'm going to look into like energy mega boosting pills, so that'll help in the littlest way with my depression and down mood to bring me up!
Thank you guys for the compliments on my legs. I don't know the measurements, but I'll find like a string? Ha put it around my thigh, then lay it out and measure it on a ruler? I really have no idea how to do that shit, if I get an actual measure tape that would look so so so bad on my half if anyone found it. But I can fit in a size 0 Hollister jeans, if that helps? Hmm here's one more picture of my legs.
Ew you can see the scars from cutting on the right one. They're prolly tanner now and this is from last week so I'll measure and put a new picture of them up.
If any of you have a facebook/tumblr, forsure let me know. :)
Stay strong everyone. I'm certainly trying. I gotta work at three today, hopefully a manager is there so that I can ask for more hours, even though I can't do my job right and I always mess up, I NEED MORE HOURS!
Loveee youu all. ♥
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday; ate absolutely nothing.
Sunday; some baby carrots.
Today I so far have nothin' in me, except coffee & tea, and I kinda feel like eating. I was laying in bed this morning, well after I got up and made some tea, but I was thinking about eating some of the carrots because I was feeling hungry. Well I did not! And then I contemplated it more and knew that if I took one bite, it would turn into a binge. So I'm just going to fill up with coffee and it should keep me good for the day. At 2:30 I'm working 'til seven so I will definitely be okay for today. But as of tonight, after work, I really hope and pray to God that my dad & Pam don't wait to eat until I get here. Ugh.
So I love Horoscopes and things like that and this is mine for today;
You're very excited about all the possibilities in your life now that the fiery Sagittarius Moon is tempting you to push your limits even further. You could even believe that the signs are telling you to go ahead and do it all, even if you don't have enough energy to keep up with such an active schedule. Be smart and practice saying no, or you might spread yourself so thin that you end up exhausting yourself and having no fun at all.
Stomach is shrinking from no binging. ♥ Yay! I'll do more pictures some other day.
What else to say? Thank you again everyone who enjoys this blog as much as I do writing it. I know I've said this before but I'll say it again; this is going to be an every day thing for me. It really truly is. I have a tumblr and I LOVE the thinspo blogs on those. Mmmm ♥♥ Hahah
Alrighty, I'll talk to you guys later. Muuuchhh looovee ♥
Sunday, July 10, 2011
in the pathless woods,
There is a raptor
on the lonely shore,
There is society
where none intrudes
By the deep sea
And music in its roar
I love not man the less
But nature more. "
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide
What’s right for you— just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.
I love inspiration. Somethings just jump out of the computer screen into you. Like it's supposed to happen; like you happen to stumble across this picture or that quote, and it's like damn. This is relating so much to my life right now, it's as if it was meant to be. And it is. Yesterday I went to Love Fest. Yes, it's actually called that. Live bands and lots of art. Beautiful day for it too.my friend Josiah created it, asked the city to use the land to have it there and it went so perfectly. ♥
I didn't eat a single thing yesterday. Same with today, nothin' in me. I am still getting sick from the medicine they have me on, got prescribed more Friday. Last night at the fest., I took some chill pills for like the first time since early June? Not my preference but whatever works I'll do.
Oh yeah, I saw Tori there, with her boyfriend of course. I went up to her and gave her a big hug and just started crying and laughing; couldn't help myself. So happy to see her and she was happy to see me too. We talked and hung out most of the time, her boyfriend got so mad at her though, because of me. He hates me! So long story short, they got into a fight, he wanted her to choose between him or I and then threatened to break up with her, but in the end it turned out alright. I think.
Seth. Seth, Seth, Seth; this guy who's been talking to me for about a month now, met me at the Love Fest. He's alright, kinda cute, real skinny. Well we chilled afterwards on the elementary school playground. He's cute, made me smile. But then...
We were playing on the monkey bars, he could reach them by simply putting his arm up. I, however, could not! So I jumped and still missed so then he lifted me up to grab them. After I jumped down, he's like "Jeeze fatty, you weigh so much! You gotta lose some weight!"
I just stopped, and look at him. "That's not cool..."
He said he was kidding, 'totally kidding''. Says it's just the way he is; he always makes fat jokes to skinny people. Then he called me skinny mini and said I was sooo light. And I got over it in that moment. But him saying that to me, jokingly or not, is not cool. I wish I could tell him about my ed but we're not very close and it'd just be awkward..
So yeah, that's my story of the day. I'm going for a jog soon, get rid of these fat legs. It's almost 90(F) degrees here and the sun is out! I'll sweat a ton. SO next time he sees me I'll be definitely thinner. I mean, just yesterday morning I was texting one of my ana friends and I said I just feel so thinner from not eating in two days. And then that totally got shot down by this dumb ass guy. Like last year, lost ten pounds+ and this teacher makes a remark about me. I think it's titled worst day ever, or something like that, May or April of 2010. If you want to read it, that's fine by me.
Thank you everyone for your amazing words, like honestly, you guys keep me going when no one else can. Thank you so much. If I could appreciation into words, I would. But I I don't think words can describe how thankful I am for all of you. :)
Don't give up, I'm not. I'm not giving up. I'm staying strong. I'm not giving in. ♥
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
no more fooling around megan. no fucking more.
i'm 123, still. i'm fat as hell, i'm huge. i'm disgusting. i should work out even more. i shouldn't even look at food. food is fucking up my life. it really is disgusting, almost like me. so why mix disgusting and disgusting together?
no more. no more, no more, no more. if i don't lose three pounds by friday, i will pay the price.
i'm sorry skinny_legs. i'm sorry. i didn't realize just how much i am failing you. i said we'd get over mia together, and i'd be here for you. but i'm just a worthless piece of shit girl who doesn't have self control.
i will get self control, it's the only thing that's weightless that i'm allowing myself to gain.
i will not binge anymore. i won't. i know i've said it before but this time i fucking mean it. i mean it with everything i've got in me. every inch of fat on these bones will be shed. i want to be beautiful. self control is beautiful. i will starve.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My grandma is staying with my sister and I because my dad & his girlfrann are on vaca. They went shopping yesterday morning and came back with those new fudge dipped oreos, fig newtons, TWO tubs of ice cream, twizzlers, potato chips...and more. I resisted them the whole day, and I am so proud of myself! I went to see my mom at three, so I broke into some twizzlers. Not that bad, right? Well I had probably twenty of them. :( Then at her house I only ate some green beans, corn and onions. Went to my sister's friends house with her to pick them up because we were going to go watch fireworks and they all eat a lot. So of course, I was offered those mini candy bars...twix, milky way, three musketeers. My weakness = candy. I took some. I already ate a lot at my moms, like a bowl of veggies, and I was feeling full..so I turned it into a binge. Ate some of those oreo things when I came back to my dads. And then some pretzel m&m's. Neither were any good, I thought, but of course I still binged. But Nick, (sister's friend's brother) pretty cool guy. Except he's older, too old ha as he put it. But we talked the whole night, didn't really fit in with the others so we did our own thing. And boy, did we do it! ;) Hahaha not really, but you know. It was definitely there haha and he gave me his number so we were texting for a little bit last night, until I fell asleep dammit! He's all all like, oh I was hoping you'd text me! And all this cute shit haha but get this, I thought he was like 23 maybe at the highest age, but no, he's 29 ! Hahahaha ;)
He's cool and we're cool so it's all good. Nothing wrong with having a friend 13 years older than you right? Ahaha.
But yeah, that was my day yesterday. I weighed myself @ my moms and I was 123. :( ew ew ew and I'm soosososooo bloated today. not even on my period! fuck this. i didn't want to eat today but i already did, so im binging right after this and throwinggg it upp yo. Yeah yeah. I'm gonna go before my acids jump in. I need tips on fasting. Help help heeelpp, please!?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Read that far back if you'd like, but I will not even repeat what tomorrow means to me. And of course it's Seth's Birthday & my uncle's. HA
Anyways. Fuck that.
I'm done with you mia. You make me into a disgusting, fat, uncontrolled freak. I will not be eating all the food in this house anymore. I won't be throwing it up either! I will be starving and sweating this fat off my body. Damn, where's recovery when you need it?
If I have to go to Mentor High this coming year, you better believe I will be in tip top shape for these bitches. It's NOT going to be easy, Mentor girls are tough, skanky whores who will tear you down. I'm not letting that happen to me.
Wow, I sound like I totally different person. I sound mean. I sound strong. I sound like no one can mess with me. I kinda like it. It makes me feel strong. :) Woooo! Haha now, let's not get carried away Megsss. If you guys didn't already know my name is Megan, hah I talk in third person sometimes and call myself Meggggss. I don't like when other people call me Meg though, Meg sounds like a fat name. Maybe it's just because it's me & I'm fat. No offfense to any Megs out there! Only me.
Sweat. Hot FLASH. Withdrawal? Withdrawal. Ugh.
Okay. You know what. I'm going to go work out. :)
Stay strong loveys. ♥
Friday, July 1, 2011
Yup, my life is pretty damn sweet right now. I binged for dinner because I can't really skip it, but I purged everything. Even my acids. Tasted fucking nasty but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I want to starve. I need an ana buddy. Anyone, text, US living, around the age of sixteen?
SO please comment on this, get at me yo! PLEASE. Drinking tea right now, probably should throw it up too, although it is diet? Whatever. I'm going to work out like crazy tonight. I always say I will but I never do, well let me tell you, I am until I drop. Until I pass out. Drop dead. Maybe not that last one, but I'll come close to it. Haha where's the humor?
Jonathan hit me up this morning, really wants to hang out. We're just good friends, I miss him, he's like super cool and definitely worth your time. Adam and I are still talking. ♥ I haven't written him a letter in over a week. Maybe two weeks, I don't remember. Since last Friday I've been in withdrawal from this Neron tin? I don't know how to spell it and I don't feel like Google-ing it. But it's an anti-seizure medicine used for anxiety. Comes in 300 mg capsules, and I would take at least 5 in the morning with my coffee. Yes, all in one swallow. (5 x 300 = ...[5x3=15]... 1500 mg in me by noon. More in the evening I think, I don't remember. Ha. But yeah it helped me so much with my anxiety. Then Friday I had none. Thursday I took my last five, and Friday I was sick. Since then I was just as sick, and I couldn't really take it anymore, so this morning I downed 3 @ six this morning, then went back to sleep. Took at least four more throughout today. Maximum is supposed to be six, but I don't care. Dr. says 2300 mg (? i think ?) is the max. But who knows.
ANYWAYS back to Adam. Yeah he sasy 'ima do me' which means he is still going to use; wants to smoke weed & drink, no problem there but when he brought up Benzos. Um. :( I didn't know what to say. So I never sent any letter. He's probably dying. I'm determined to write an amazing one and have it mailed out NO later than Monday.
Yeah, so I'll get to that in a minute. Hope everyone enjoys my videos ♥.
Sorry there's so many, ha. I just have them in a playlist and when I hear a good song I can't help but see what it is. Love love love.
So yeah. That's about it for now. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck. Can someone please just help me out here a little? :(