Friday, July 1, 2011

Someone out there, can you help me? Can you hear me?

I hate my body. I hate myself. This morning I was doing so well, and in a matter of hours I'm fucking crashing again. Like, this morning was court for my parents custody / etc / and my dad still has custody of me. I can't go back to my mom's until she completes everything they ask of her to do. My dad says he's going to enroll me in Mentor school. Fuck my life. I want to go home. I want to go home and lay with my kitty. I miss my Josie so much, so much.
Yup, my life is pretty damn sweet right now. I binged for dinner because I can't really skip it, but I purged everything. Even my acids. Tasted fucking nasty but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I want to starve. I need an ana buddy. Anyone, text, US living, around the age of sixteen?
SO please comment on this, get at me yo! PLEASE. Drinking tea right now, probably should throw it up too, although it is diet? Whatever. I'm going to work out like crazy tonight. I always say I will but I never do, well let me tell you, I am until I drop. Until I pass out. Drop dead. Maybe not that last one, but I'll come close to it. Haha where's the humor?
Jonathan hit me up this morning, really wants to hang out. We're just good friends, I miss him, he's like super cool and definitely worth your time. Adam and I are still talking. ♥ I haven't written him a letter in over a week. Maybe two weeks, I don't remember. Since last Friday I've been in withdrawal from this Neron tin? I don't know how to spell it and I don't feel like Google-ing it. But it's an anti-seizure medicine used for anxiety. Comes in 300 mg capsules, and I would take at least 5 in the morning with my coffee. Yes, all in one swallow. (5 x 300 = ...[5x3=15]... 1500 mg in me by noon. More in the evening I think, I don't remember. Ha. But yeah it helped me so much with my anxiety. Then Friday I had none. Thursday I took my last five, and Friday I was sick. Since then I was just as sick, and I couldn't really take it anymore, so this morning I downed 3 @ six this morning, then went back to sleep. Took at least four more throughout today. Maximum is supposed to be six, but I don't care. Dr. says 2300 mg (? i think ?) is the max. But who knows.
ANYWAYS back to Adam. Yeah he sasy 'ima do me' which means he is still going to use; wants to smoke weed & drink, no problem there but when he brought up Benzos. Um. :( I didn't know what to say. So I never sent any letter. He's probably dying. I'm determined to write an amazing one and have it mailed out NO later than Monday.
Yeah, so I'll get to that in a minute. Hope everyone enjoys my videos ♥.
Sorry there's so many, ha. I just have them in a playlist and when I hear a good song I can't help but see what it is. Love love love.
So yeah. That's about it for now. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck. Can someone please just help me out here a little? :(


  1. I'm not 16 but i seriously need a buddie too, and since we both have such mia problems why don't we keep each other strait? I'm currently on day one of a one week attempt at no binging/purging..I just feel like If i can make it through this week then i still have some control over it.
    let me know!

  2. im no where near 16 im old 25 and should know better ed's never go away though
    im sorry bout everyhting hun