Sunday, July 10, 2011

"Jeeze fatty, you weigh so much!"

Life is really beautiful, I’m not sure why I keep forgetting that.

" There is pleasure
in the pathless woods,
There is a raptor
on the lonely shore,
There is society
where none intrudes
By the deep sea
And music in its roar
I love not man the less
But nature more. "

You guys are all so caring, thank you. You weren't harsh on my skinny_legs, it's okay! I needed that little bit of push, you know? Knowing that when I say something, I mean it. And I wasn't backing up my words 100%. I'm sorry. You have nothing to apologize for, I promise. I really want to thank you for that wake up call. Thanks. ♥

There is a voice inside of you
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide
What’s right for you— just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.

-Shell Silverstein

I love inspiration. Somethings just jump out of the computer screen into you. Like it's supposed to happen; like you happen to stumble across this picture or that quote, and it's like damn. This is relating so much to my life right now, it's as if it was meant to be. And it is. Yesterday I went to Love Fest. Yes, it's actually called that. Live bands and lots of art. Beautiful day for it friend Josiah created it, asked the city to use the land to have it there and it went so perfectly. ♥
I didn't eat a single thing yesterday. Same with today, nothin' in me. I am still getting sick from the medicine they have me on, got prescribed more Friday. Last night at the fest., I took some chill pills for like the first time since early June? Not my preference but whatever works I'll do.
Oh yeah, I saw Tori there, with her boyfriend of course. I went up to her and gave her a big hug and just started crying and laughing; couldn't help myself. So happy to see her and she was happy to see me too. We talked and hung out most of the time, her boyfriend got so mad at her though, because of me. He hates me! So long story short, they got into a fight, he wanted her to choose between him or I and then threatened to break up with her, but in the end it turned out alright. I think.
Seth. Seth, Seth, Seth; this guy who's been talking to me for about a month now, met me at the Love Fest. He's alright, kinda cute, real skinny. Well we chilled afterwards on the elementary school playground. He's cute, made me smile. But then...
We were playing on the monkey bars, he could reach them by simply putting his arm up. I, however, could not! So I jumped and still missed so then he lifted me up to grab them. After I jumped down, he's like
"Jeeze fatty, you weigh so much! You gotta lose some weight!"
I just stopped, and look at him.
"That's not cool..."
He said he was kidding, 'totally kidding''. Says it's just the way he is; he always makes fat jokes to skinny people. Then he called me skinny mini and said I was sooo light. And I got over it in that moment. But him saying that to me, jokingly or not, is not cool. I wish I could tell him about my ed but we're not very close and it'd just be awkward..
So yeah, that's my story of the day. I'm going for a jog soon, get rid of these fat legs. It's almost 90(F) degrees here and the sun is out! I'll sweat a ton. SO next time he sees me I'll be definitely thinner. I mean, just yesterday morning I was texting one of my ana friends and I said I just feel so thinner from not eating in two days. And then that totally got shot down by this dumb ass guy. Like last year, lost ten pounds+ and this teacher makes a remark about me. I think it's titled worst day ever, or something like that, May or April of 2010. If you want to read it, that's fine by me.

I find it kinda ... I don't know a word for this, but it's (odd?) to me to put my whole life on the internet. I mean, anyone can read this! It's a lot of personal things too, but oh well. People want to judge me, read my past first bitch. Haha just kidding. I think I'm going to go take a nap outside in the sun now, sweat and get tan, then jog like there's no tomorrow.
Thank you everyone for your amazing words, like honestly, you guys keep me going when no one else can. Thank you so much. If I could appreciation into words, I would. But I I don't think words can describe how thankful I am for all of you. :)

Don't give up, I'm not. I'm not giving up. I'm staying strong. I'm not giving in. ♥


  1. I hate when people do fat jokes. I don't care if the person is skinny or not because the skinny person might have and ED and fell fat. Sounds like you had a really good time yesterday. Stay strong.

  2. i hate fat jokes adn ed jokes and self harm jokes my family maes thema ll the time and i just wanna die cause they have like no idea