Sunday, December 19, 2010

Knowing vs. Believing: part I

Speak with your heart.
I believe if you speak with your mind, it's just thinking and believing. With believing, there is always doubt. But with your heart, you know. And knowing is stronger than believing. There is never and doubt with knowing. Think about that.
This morning I came across this article on my AOL homepage;

With Love, Teens Face a Deadly Diagnosis

I read the whole thing, and it brought tears to my eyes. Here's a link and I hope you all read it and it touches you the same way it touched me.

We're all starving for one thing; to be thin. It's the most important thing in our minds, we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people's views of ourselves, our bodies. But we are not our bodies. We are so much greater, so much more powerful than this body God put us in. There is a higher strength inside of us waiting to be shown, ready to be let out and loved and seen. But no one knows it.
Like I said in the first paragraph, knowing vs. believing. "..we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people.." Do you not see this? There is always doubt with beliefs, I can't stress that enough. In reality, we know that we don't have to prove anything to anyone else. We can be ourselves, we can be free. Why don't we chose this path? Simply because we are not able to release our pasts; release the fact of what we grew up believing, verses what we are growing to know.
I want to be well. I'm sure no one wants to live with this eating disorder, let alone...die with it. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Last night I was reading, and it's funny how one night can change your whole life. God spoke to me; not because I believe in him, no no. I no longer believe in him, because every crisis that I had in my life I believed he'd be there for me. Turns out, he wasn't. It wasn't until last night I stopped believing and started knowing.
If you know something, there is no doubt. I know God, and with that said I no longer can have doubt that he is there. ♥
What I also stumbled upon in my reading, what a small little paragraph about eating disorders. I wish I never read it, because I started to cry as I finished. It's the harsh truth, and I want to share it with all of you.

"Eating disorders. Most eating disorders are, initially, efforts to meet a standard of appearance that someone believes will bring happiness. Ego has convinced people with eating disorders that their true essence is located in the value of their appearance to others.
These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Take a second to take all of that in. Noticed in the very first sentence, the word 'believe'. (Belief always always always = doubt.) We believe that this is a way of life, a lifestyle, a disease, a way to lose weight. But we are wrong. There is doubt in our minds with that said. Please don't believe it anymore, and don't simply know it just to manipulate what I said.
Also, read that last sentence again.

"These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."

We're killing ourselves. It's not healthy. We're dying one day, one minute, one second at a time. Soon enough we won't have a second or a minute to realize this. I want you all to be well too. It breaks my heart to see what I've done to myself, what everyone is doing to themselves. I may seem hypocritical at times, but that was before I stopped believing. Just know, in your hearts, in this very present moment, that this is not right. You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again.

To go back to the link I posted above, look at her. She's our 'goal weight' and she is dying. Not only from her disease, but look at her body. Do you really want to look like that? You believe you do, but you know you don't. It's only when you choose to let go of your beliefs you begin to know and realize what life truly is.
I hope, that in some way, this has changed you. Last night my life changed completely. I want to be well, and I know all of you do too. It's only a matter of time for one to realize believing vs. knowing.
Take care everyone, my best wishes for you all. ♥
-Megan B.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

As we speak;

I'm eating and eating and eating. Just took another bite of melted cheese on tortilla chips. It tastes so good, but I want to get it up. Hopefully I can, later. I don't want this many grams of fat in me. :[ Ugh. Why is this all that I care about? Getting fat; loosing weight; bones sticking out; working out; loosing more weight; loosing more and mroe weight. It's an obsession. It's like I have no control over myself. Fuck. I'm getting this all up later, I can't deal with this. Tomorrow I am fasting, I know I can do it. This morning I woke up and was crazing eggs, so I made eight over easy ones with cheese (as you can probably tell I am a cheese freak) and I wasn't even hungry. As I was melting the butter in the pan I was saying to myself, "Why am I doing this? I'm not hungry, please stop! Stop! STOP!" And of course I did not stop. But tomorrow I am going to have much more self control; I know I will.
Well my little baby Josie is sleeping on my left, fat as hell thigh. She's so cute, she's slowing sliding off haha. I'm gonna go slowing eat more and more, for food will be the death of me.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Oh how these days just seem to flyy byy.

The first day of December and it snows. Not that I like the snow, but it's anyone's ideal December. I pierced my belly button last night. :] It's pretty sweet.
I feel like writing something actually worthy of reading, you know? I want this to be like a fun project blog, instead of only focusing on negative body and eating related objectives. Maybe one day I can do this.
Mom found out about my purges, again. Potassium came back @ 3.3 when it should be above a 4.0. Put on potassium pills. Ugh.
Depression strikes again. Byee.