Monday, May 24, 2010

i've got dirt under my finger nails.

I love gardening, it's so relaxing. I'm going vegetarian again, as of May 24th 2010. Let's see if I can make it around the whole year. And as of May 18th 2010, I've been living a sober life. No drinking, no smoking, no nothing! I'm done wasting my life away like that, but then again it's not like I was some big druggggie. I didn't make a habit out of it, I just wanted to stop before it got too serious.
Well another thing, my mom found out about my binging and purging...she's like threatening me by saying that she's going to send me to the hospital and that I'm going to a psychiatric ward or something. And then she's telling me that I'm going to die by the age of eighteen. It's really scaring me. :( And she's been watching me so carefully, it's driving me insane. But she found out on Saturday, and every day since then I've got around her and binged and purged. And she's pretty swift too, like I'm surprised she didn't catch me. But Thank God she didn't, because as far as she's concerned, I haven't done it in like three days. And plus she doesn't know that it comes up on it's own already; Sunday she asked to see my hands, aha. (to see if my knuckles were all marked up and what not) but I don't even use my hand and when I did, I never left marks on them.
Last but not least, I am 117. :D Not more, not less, exactly 117. I'm getting back in the gist of this, but I know I can't keep it up for long without my mom knowing I'm loosing more weight! Like I've been 120 for over a month now, and she just realized how thin I was last Thursday night. Over the weekend we went shopping and I really wanted a pair of jeans. Just one, and I know it's summer time but I needed jeans. So we go in, and I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size 1/2 :D (they we're a 0 or a 3, I don't know if it means like 'half' or a 1 and 2 ? ) butttt they were so cute too, I really wanted them and they were only 20$ ! CHEAP FOR A GREAT PAIR! And my mom would not let me get them because of the size, she said I have to get bigger sizes because I'm going to be getting bigger.
FUCKING YEAH RIGHT!? The most I'm allowing myself to get back up to is 119.
So that's my life right now. But whatever, I guess it could be worse.
I'm just psyched about my 117! Likeeee seven pounds away from my goal weight! But I don't know what to do because my mother is on my asss, but good thing she didn't force me on the scale, yet...
Only like nine more days of school, please hurry summer break, I don't think I can wait much longerr!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

It took a while for you to find me, I was hiding in the lime tree.

-Most beautiful song ever by Trevor Hall. <3
Anyways, this is going to be a short entry.
I'm 119, :) tomorrow I'm not eating at all. No more binging and purging; I'm trying my best to stop that. I binge when I'm not even hungry, like today I'm cooking up a huge meal and I'm saying to myself, "Why am I doing this, I'm not even hungry!!" And I easily could of walked away not hungry, but for some reason I didn't. Well tomorrow I'm hanging with friends, getting outta this house and I won't binge around them let alone eat so it'll be good. I just hope everything works out.
Goood nighttt.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

sunday night live

Isn't that a name of a show - Sunday Night Live...err wait, Saturday Night Live! Hahah woow. Well I'm doing okay. Just okay. Like not good not bad; simply OKAY. Stuck on 120, rats. Last night was nice, I needed it. I would of been 119 but stupid friend's mom made me eat breakfast and then I binged even more when I got home to get it all up and I was like 119.7, NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Goodness, I binged and purged three times today. Not good, not good. This week I'm going to try my absolute hardest not to eat at all. Softball ends Tuesday but Wednesday I think I have practice for rec. I don't know if I'm going to go, haha. Who cares anymore...not me! I'm like caught up in all the bud. DRYMOUTH SUCKS. I should probably be sleeping right now, dumb school tomorrow. I want to see Elliot, I miss him dearly. Elliot was like this boy I had the biggest crush on, and we'd hang out allll the time. He never told me he smoked but I guess he does. I wish he would of told me! Hahah well, him and I will smoke together someday. :)
Tomorrow I'm going to be 119. I'm planning ahead, I know. Ooops, heh. :} but I just want to loose this stubborn pound that's being so mean to me. :( I think I'm going to get going off to bed now, after a nice bing glass of cold water! Yepyep. Well, good night loveys.!

Friday, May 14, 2010

so glad it's friday.

Well I was a little over 120 when I went to bed last night. I binged and purged every night this week, and I'm going to try my best not to tonight. My throat deserves a night off, hah. My softball season ended Wednesday with a nice win. Now I'm on JV until the 18th but only a game tonight and Tuesday. Finally I get a night off! Haha like every single day after school I had something to do with softball, and as much as I love it, it really gets tiring after a while. Especially loosing weight while working out so much really wore me out. No wonder whny I've been getting sick so often; my immune system is probably so so down and throwing up isn't helping it much either. I'm finally back down to 120, and nothing is going to stop me this time. If I binge I WILL get it back up. I'm going to try to fast today. No, let me correct that. I WILL fast today. I've done it before and I can do it again, and with school I'll loose even more.
I don't know what else to say. These keys are greasy, it's disgusting. I wonder who used this before me...well ew I don't think I want to know.
I want to partyyy this weekend, and maybe I'll get to :) I'll just save my calories for the alcohollll and it'll all be good. Now I can't wait! Hahah well how is everyone? I hope you're all doing well, leave me a nice little comment? :D
Have a good day everyone!

Monday, May 10, 2010

I woke up empty; I went to bed empty. I haven't felt this empty before in a while. It feels good though, I feel stronger in a way. So I guess I over exaggerated; I'm not 130 nor was I. I was probably 127 and although I ate so so much without getting it back up, I didn't really gain anything. Saturday I woke up and got on the scale to find myself 126? I don't remember exactly, but that day I didn't eat a single thing and I ended the day at 125. But yesterday, Mother's day, I had two binges but I got everything up. I cooked breakfast for my mom - eggs with cheese, sausage, buttered toast...the aroma just overcame me! I was going to resist and I easily could of, but I nibbled on a few pieces of sausage so I thought I might as well binge so I could empty myself. All day I was dizzy and nautious, but I think it was from my sickness I had. I'm feeling much better today though and at 123, I feel so in control. I really can conrol my binges, and I think I could of before but I just didn't believe in myself. It really is just all mind over matter. I mean, as surprised as I am, I keep telling myself that it's not that hard to just walk aaway from the food. I made myself belive that I can't depend on purging, and I really can't, but just that fact seemed to help me so much. I'm kinda glad I had my weight jump up like this, it scared me and opened my eyes. I'm never ever ever getting above 125, and if I ever do I will starve for a full week and I'll punish myself greatly.
Now I finally believe that I can do this. I really needed this push and I found it, all on my own. I'm still not planning a day ahead of me, but I know I'll be under 120 soon.
I have 20 followers now, thank youu!! 20 followers, and I've got 20 pounds to loose; I'll loose a pound for each of you. :)

Friday, May 7, 2010

three things.

1) I've decided to change the title of my blog. I don't believe in "what nourishes me also destroys me" anymore; food doesn't nourish me at all, it just straight up kills me.

2) I've learned that I can't depend on anything anymore. Binging and purging is for me is coming to an end, it just has to. I can't depend on throwing the food back up. Sometimes I can't get it back up when it comes up on its own. It's retarded.

3) I can't plan ahead. I have to stop saying that by tomorrow I'll be this weight, or Monday I won't eat. It doesn't work for me. I'm only living for the day, the very hour and that's it.

For the past two days I've been extremely ill with a 103 degree fever. Today it kind of went down to 100 but I'm still dizzy. When I get back to normal I'll start exercising; I'm going to push myself over the limit. Today I ate a lot. I went to get on the scale around 2:30 pm, and I almost died. The scale said 128. How it got there, I don't know. yesterday I had a binge and could only get about half of it up, but I was only 124. And I didn't eat anything else after that, only a cup of tea and some water to swallow my medicine. Today I drank a whole pitcher of kool-aid, which eventually went through me, so I don't see how I'm 128. Well 129/130 now because I ate some eggs and peanuts just a little bit ago. I can't do this anymore, please, I need someone to text or call. Anyone in the U.S. please, I really need you right now. I'm just going to stop eating, I am going to gain self control. I'm going to loose all this weight and I know it's not going to happen over night. I'm going to work at this and fight until I am 110 lbs. I'm not backing out, even if I have no one to talk to to get me through this, I have myself and all 130 lbs and that's all I need. I have nineteen followers now, and I couldn't say thank you enough. I would never of thought I'd have any, but there's more people out there who have ED's than I thought. Please leave a comment, I'll try to respond! Good luck everyone, and just know that I'm here if you need anyone. :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

full-time bulimic. part-time fifteen year old girl.

It's been a while since my last post; I'm not allowed on my computer at home because my mother is mean, and softball takes up all of my time now. Today is such a bad day, I'm in study hall with this girl whom I really do not care for. She's so rude and mean, and I really can't stand being around her. I'm in such a bad mood now, ughhh. Well, over the we eked I was 119. Then I binged and couldn't get it all back up - it was like the first time I couldn't get it back up in like six months. It was terrible, I was so bloated and sad all day. :( But finally I got it up like seven hours later, that night. Then on Sunday I told myself I couldn't depend on purging anymore, so I was not going to eat. Of course first thing in the morning I binge, I don't think I got all of that up either...
So my weekend didn't go so well and I'm like 122 right now. I know hearing that number may not sound like a big deal, but it's depressing for me. I made it this far, for what...? To just stuff my ugly face with unneeded food? No. Last night I binged and got it all up, then I binged again! I got it all up too, for some reason my bady wanted to disagree with me over the weekend, it sucks.
So it's going to be like 80 degrees today and I wore shorts. WORST IDEA EVER. My dumb fat things hang out the bottom of them and this flannel makes me look 45128798759 pounds heavier and these shorts are tight get the picture. All I'm going to eat today is a banana. I have a softball game tonight (basically one every single night of the week) but thank God it ends like next wednesday? It gets sooo tiring to play every single night. :( I've never been so upset and tired ever before in my life. I wish someone could just understand me. I wish someone could relate to me in every way possible. I wish I had an ana buddy here in this school. Dumb ass friends talk about food all the time and make me eat, I'm so sick of this! Someone get me out of here, please! I want to get home schooled so badd. :( I hate it here, I really do. Or maybe I just hate myself. I don't know. I hate binging and purging - it feels like I have to eat more every time. I want help, but I'm not ready yet. I wanna get down to 110 sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. :( twelve more pounds is going to be hard, I find it hard to make myself believe it's 'easy'. YEAH RIGHT. It took me like a month just to loose ten pounds!! My stomach is growling.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want to come off as some depressed thing. I'm really not. Today's just not my day. :(
I wish people would just understand what I'm going through, or what I've been through. It sucks, that's all I can say. Maybe I'll write again Friday, I want to be 120 again. I don't want to binge or purge anymore. I can't eat 'normal amounts' of food. It doesn't make me feel full. I fill up half of a one gallon ziplock bag, not exaggerating at all. I purge in my room in those bags. I put a towel down so it doesn't get all over, and then I just dump it in the toilet. It's about like 4 maybe 5 pounds too. If I throw up in the bathroom, my mother would hear. I turn up the music too and lock my door - she doesn't know. :) eifjenfoiewjhfehferienfejkfe ahhh. Well I'm going to go now. Have a good day, make it better than mine - at least your girls' thighs aren't fat. :(