Monday, May 10, 2010

I woke up empty; I went to bed empty. I haven't felt this empty before in a while. It feels good though, I feel stronger in a way. So I guess I over exaggerated; I'm not 130 nor was I. I was probably 127 and although I ate so so much without getting it back up, I didn't really gain anything. Saturday I woke up and got on the scale to find myself 126? I don't remember exactly, but that day I didn't eat a single thing and I ended the day at 125. But yesterday, Mother's day, I had two binges but I got everything up. I cooked breakfast for my mom - eggs with cheese, sausage, buttered toast...the aroma just overcame me! I was going to resist and I easily could of, but I nibbled on a few pieces of sausage so I thought I might as well binge so I could empty myself. All day I was dizzy and nautious, but I think it was from my sickness I had. I'm feeling much better today though and at 123, I feel so in control. I really can conrol my binges, and I think I could of before but I just didn't believe in myself. It really is just all mind over matter. I mean, as surprised as I am, I keep telling myself that it's not that hard to just walk aaway from the food. I made myself belive that I can't depend on purging, and I really can't, but just that fact seemed to help me so much. I'm kinda glad I had my weight jump up like this, it scared me and opened my eyes. I'm never ever ever getting above 125, and if I ever do I will starve for a full week and I'll punish myself greatly.
Now I finally believe that I can do this. I really needed this push and I found it, all on my own. I'm still not planning a day ahead of me, but I know I'll be under 120 soon.
I have 20 followers now, thank youu!! 20 followers, and I've got 20 pounds to loose; I'll loose a pound for each of you. :)

1 comment: