Wednesday, May 5, 2010

full-time bulimic. part-time fifteen year old girl.

It's been a while since my last post; I'm not allowed on my computer at home because my mother is mean, and softball takes up all of my time now. Today is such a bad day, I'm in study hall with this girl whom I really do not care for. She's so rude and mean, and I really can't stand being around her. I'm in such a bad mood now, ughhh. Well, over the we eked I was 119. Then I binged and couldn't get it all back up - it was like the first time I couldn't get it back up in like six months. It was terrible, I was so bloated and sad all day. :( But finally I got it up like seven hours later, that night. Then on Sunday I told myself I couldn't depend on purging anymore, so I was not going to eat. Of course first thing in the morning I binge, I don't think I got all of that up either...
So my weekend didn't go so well and I'm like 122 right now. I know hearing that number may not sound like a big deal, but it's depressing for me. I made it this far, for what...? To just stuff my ugly face with unneeded food? No. Last night I binged and got it all up, then I binged again! I got it all up too, for some reason my bady wanted to disagree with me over the weekend, it sucks.
So it's going to be like 80 degrees today and I wore shorts. WORST IDEA EVER. My dumb fat things hang out the bottom of them and this flannel makes me look 45128798759 pounds heavier and these shorts are tight get the picture. All I'm going to eat today is a banana. I have a softball game tonight (basically one every single night of the week) but thank God it ends like next wednesday? It gets sooo tiring to play every single night. :( I've never been so upset and tired ever before in my life. I wish someone could just understand me. I wish someone could relate to me in every way possible. I wish I had an ana buddy here in this school. Dumb ass friends talk about food all the time and make me eat, I'm so sick of this! Someone get me out of here, please! I want to get home schooled so badd. :( I hate it here, I really do. Or maybe I just hate myself. I don't know. I hate binging and purging - it feels like I have to eat more every time. I want help, but I'm not ready yet. I wanna get down to 110 sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. :( twelve more pounds is going to be hard, I find it hard to make myself believe it's 'easy'. YEAH RIGHT. It took me like a month just to loose ten pounds!! My stomach is growling.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't want to come off as some depressed thing. I'm really not. Today's just not my day. :(
I wish people would just understand what I'm going through, or what I've been through. It sucks, that's all I can say. Maybe I'll write again Friday, I want to be 120 again. I don't want to binge or purge anymore. I can't eat 'normal amounts' of food. It doesn't make me feel full. I fill up half of a one gallon ziplock bag, not exaggerating at all. I purge in my room in those bags. I put a towel down so it doesn't get all over, and then I just dump it in the toilet. It's about like 4 maybe 5 pounds too. If I throw up in the bathroom, my mother would hear. I turn up the music too and lock my door - she doesn't know. :) eifjenfoiewjhfehferienfejkfe ahhh. Well I'm going to go now. Have a good day, make it better than mine - at least your girls' thighs aren't fat. :(

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry things haven't been going so well for you. but, you know, i understand. i understand what you are going through, even though i don't live in the same continent as you. blogging is a good way of venting. sometimes it helps. xo