Sunday, May 29, 2011

Float on ♥

I'm feeling calm, peaceful. I like this feeling. One binge today, one purge. Then a few cups of green tea and here I am now. Restricting is kinda easy when you're in a bikini all day; I was laying out trying to tan. Anyways, I want to say thanks to everyone here. Honestly, you guys make my day, knowing that I have people out there reading this and commenting. It means a lot to me. Thank you. :)
I lost my best friend. Not lost as in deceased, but I told some people her biggest secret. I know, I stabbed her in the back. Why did I do it? I don't know. We've been best friends for nine years now. We tell each other everything, and I went and told someone stuff. (I told one of our other friends, the secret was she lost her virginity to her boyfriend.) It's not a big deal to me, if you've read my July posts from last year...yeah. And I just hooked up with some Ryan guy who lives by my dad. I wish I didn't, but I guess you live and learn. Sorry I'm getting side tracked! Ha. No but, this was a big big big deal to her, Tori. I love her with all of my heart and she's been there for me through absolutely everything. And I do this to her? I can't explain how sorry I am, and how much I am upset with myself about it. It was like, a one time thing, you start ranting to a friend about something and it all pours out. :(
Well she hasn't talked to me in a week now, over a week actually. I'm a lost puppy without her. Honestly, she's my other half and I fucked it up. Way to go me.
So I've been out looking for new people, and actually I've found some people who actually have a lot in common with me. So maybe this break is a good thing? Time will tell.
I'm a hypocrite. I'm a liar. I did my best friend wrong. I'm told so many times that I hurt the people I love the most in my life. It's true, but I don't want to be told that anymore, I don't want to live that way. It's horrible, it's really really horrible.
I'm sorry, I needed to vent and I've got no yeah. :(
This eating disorder really fucks up a lot of my relationships, but I can't blame everything on my ed.
I went outside tonight, it's like almost 80 degrees, just rained but now it's drying up. I laying in my dad's drive way and just stared up at the stars and clouds. Everything just looked so different. I've never seen the world how I did tonight, and it really is changing me. It was so peaceful laying there, breathing, smelling the sweet air. Air really does smell sweet, haha. But it was just awesome; inspired me to blog tonight and I'm going to go write later. Then blog again tomorrow morning. :)
I am 119! Says the bad scale in the garage, but I believe it. Everywhere I go, everyone I see comments on how skinny I am. Why can't I see it? :( It's not fair, but nothing in life is fair. I deserve this because of all the shit I've done in my life. Especially to Tori. I messaged her on facebook today and she replied, it was nice. But she can't find herself to talk to me, so it's going to take a lot more time. School's out in five days and then I'll be stuck out here in Mentor for the summer. Atleast until July 1 if my mom can win me back. ♥ Please dear lord, let me go back to her. I know all of the things she's done to me, but I forgive her and I love her and I miss her. . .

Enough with my personal issues. What I've learned from all this though, is never take anything for granted, and you really don't know how much you have until it's gone. It's the truth. I lost my mom, my best friend now too? The judge I went to see last Monday, got hit by a car that night by riding his bike on a road. Died. And I just saw him hours earlier. Wow. :(
Life can take someone right out of your life in a second, so appreciate everyone and everything you have, because you really don't know if there will be a tomorrow to do so. I'm learning to take more risks, but also think before I do things. I'm impulsive and I'm trying to stop myself from being that as well as impatient.
Oh goodness that's a lot for tonight!! Hahah sorry, but thank you everyone. ♥
Goooodnight world.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Screeeeeeew Doctors.

In a relationship with Adam. ♥
He means a lot to me. He's back in jail though; overdosed :(
Probably gone for a while. I wrote him this three page letter; debating on whether or not I should send it. It's deep, and just talks about my feelings for him and just how important he is to me and how I wish he could stay sober. I let three friends read it and they all said it was so good. They said I'm a good writer and should write a book, lol.
Hmm what else. Tomorrow night I'm getting drunk as fuck with my niggga bitchh :) Hahah Madison, we got expelled from school together and now are such good friends. Did 2400 mg of shit with her today - feelin' good!
I hate doctors. They think they know everything, but they really don't. Oh well, what can I do?
Nothing! Haha yeah.
I'm not in a blogging mood, so I'll cut this one short as well.
Stay strong lovelies. ♥

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Just say no.

Hi hi hi. So I totally failed Friday; binged and purged four times straight in a row. Like, chain-binged? Ugh. Yesterday, oh dear lord, don't even wanna go there. But as long as nothing is in me that's all that matters, right?
I just gotta say no to food. Sounds easy, right? I think I can actually do it today though. I just feel positive about it today. :)
Hopefully I can stay strong.
I'll write later, I'm not feelin' it right now.
Byee for now. ♥

Friday, May 13, 2011

I need a nap.

What a tiring day, like seriously.
School wore me out today and I didn't even really do anything?
Whatever, at least I restricted pretty damn well; only two bananas! Haha if that really even counts as restricting, I don't know. But that's all I'm going to have today, maybe a nice cup of tea soon to hold me over? If I fail restricting then I'll have a binge and purge. Oh well, it is what it is.
I'm kinda pissed at blogger for being down yesterday, does anyone agree with me?! Hah, I like actually wanted to write and shit and it says that they are down - wtf! Today I'll write everything though.
My stomach is screaming for food. :( I might give in...
Anyways, Adam gets out on Monday. I know, I said that with no enthusiasm whatsoever. One month ago, to this very day (April 13) I was head over heals for the guy. We've been writing letters back and forth and it just made my heart smile. Now, I don't want a relationship with him. I don't, and I think I really shouldn't get involved too much with him. I'm already in deep because he thinks he'll use me and have me when he gets out. I don't know though, I mean my eyes have really opened up and I see so so so so many more options out there. There's this one cute & smart boy in training and conditioning with me; I feel a little crush coming on. I'd like to pursue him a bit more and get to know him and what not before I throw myself at him. Not literally but as in like, drop everyone I'm talking to and go for him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well who knows. I actually like beign singe too, it makes me feel free. I just want someone there for me; someone I can hang out with all the time to distract me from this ED and someone who'll compliment me and just make me feel good without having to kiss him or do sexual shit with him. I don't want that right now, I'm really not ready. No guy seems to respect that, but I'm not letting my gard down. When I say that, I mean it. I'm not letting what happened in July happen all over again.
Tears are coming. Ugh.


Enough with all that.
I'm gonna' go. Sleep sounds nice right now. Hope everyone is doing well, stay strong. ♥

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Blah Blah Blahh.

I had a good day, can't complain. I sound crazy in my last blog, I'm sorry. I just started on this new medicine - Nerontin (?) - and it decreases anxiety greatly and causes me to be more outgoing. Which I didn't realize until this morning why I felt so good, haha.

Adam gets out on Monday? Mmmm :)
I'm so excited! I miss him terribly; I haven't seen him since the day I skipped school and visited him in the hospital, back in March! It's been too long.
I miss my mom. I miss my home. I miss the town I used to live in.
Have I wrote about what happened on here?
Basically in a few short sentences; mom's an alcoholic & lost custody of me & I can only see her in a room with people and cameras watching & I love her & I miss her & she kicked me out March 17th & I live with my dad now & July 1 is when the parentals go back to court and she could get custody of me again & I don't like my dad & I miss my mom.
Yup yup. It was hard though, like she would be a completely different person when she drank. She'd hit me, pull my hair, push me into walls. I've had so may bruises and shit all over me from her. I think I said something about that in my older posts. I hated her, I really did. I hated living with her and everything. But I think I acted too strongly on this, by telling someone about her problem. I regret telling JFS about her but I mean I couldn't take it anymore. She was breaking me and killing herself. I just wish it didn't go this far..
Everything happens for a reason; that's all I believe in anymore.

I wish I had someone there, you know? I search for that mother figure all the time, someone who won't constantly put me down or abuse me not only physically but emotionally as well. It took me many years before I accepted the fact that she was abusive. All my friends kept telling me repeatedly...I denied it and defended her. She's my mom, I mean, anyone would..but then I couldn't take it anymore and she made me feel lower than low in life. I'm done.

But I forgive her. It's not her fault. I just miss her. :(

I miss Adam and Josie (my kitten) - at my mom's - and the house I grew up in and the grass and the country and the birds singing and the smell of the morning coffee in that house. Never take things for granted, I have and you'll never realize how much you have until it's gone. And she's gone..
She says that it isn't a mother's job to pick me up / drop me off places I needed to go. I though it was, but I was wrong. I treated my mom like shit, now that I look back on it all. I wish I could of been better, but I can't say that because it's done and over with and in the past.

Restricted today but binged and purged once. Feelin' like doing it again but I won't. It's times like these where I could really use a person to support me.

I think this is enough blogging for a day. If any of you guys have a facebook, I would be more than glad to be friends on that, message back and forth? :)

I have to pee, just thought I'd share that haha. Goodnight everyone and stay strong. ♥

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Content. ♥

I think I have to hurry up and write this fast because there is a thunderstorm about to happen!
But yeah, counseling didn't go so well. I had to do another random drug test (pee in a cup & have the lady watch you as you pee) yes, awkward, but I couldn't pee. I couldn't pee. I had no pee in me to pee out. What the fuck. So it looks bad on me - that I didn't do the test two times in a row and May 23 is my court date. Like for real, blood test me / hair / mouth / whatever (!) just drug test me and I will be clean. I haven't done shit in about two weeks so I should be good, well no, I am clean and will test negative for everything! Dumb people.
Today a lot of shit went down at school. Fuck you Torr: you've been my best friend since second grade, and all you've done is be a two faced little lying bitch, thanks for fucking me over.
Sorry, had to get that out.
I feel so content right now. So at peace; not angry, just so happy. I want to make something big out of this little life I have and I'm going to start tonight.

William Fitzsimmons = ♥♥♥ ♥ !
His music is beautiful, it makes me happy.

I'm happy.

So happy.
And so is ED.

Things are lookin' up.

Or maybe it's just because I feel so happy right now?

Who knows.

...I love blogging! :)

Check out my new picture! >>

I fit in a size 0 of Hollister skinny jeans. But I don't feel that small. I'm going to start loosing this disgusting-ness like crazy.

I need people here for me though, if you live in the US and can text, I'll give you my numberr - ana buddies? Please help me, I'll love you forever!! :)

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mother's Day.

I wish I could see my mom today, but it's not what the courts allow. Tomorrow is my supervised visit with her from three to five. Some lady is going to sit in the room with us now too. I think it's because I kept saying I ws on drugs, or maybe the fact that I drew pot leaves on the board, or just kept walking around. Lol, I was like bored out of my mind last week. Oh well, I just got drug tested and I'm going to pass it without a doubt so suck it JFS.
Bulimia = saying fuck a lot. Okay not really, but I just felt like saying that. I hate this disease. I wish I was ana more than anything. Whatever, I'm trying.
Well, I'm going to go. Wish I could type more but Pam is being retarded. I'll write later tomorrow night, after all the counselors and shit. Byeee! :)

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Prom Night!

Prom night and I'm not going, obviously. My boy's in jail, and prom isn't my thing anyways, I guess. Okay I lied, it's be so much fun to go to. I wish someone would of asked me, mm. Oh well. I'm only a sophomore so I have two more years to go!
Today I've had so far three binges/purges. Whatever, like fuck it. As long as the food doesn't stay in me then it's fine. My dad is ordering pizza and a salad, time to go all out again. Tomorrow I want to fast; tomorrow I'm going to try and fast. I will do it, and I will loose weight. I'm trying to post some pictures of myself and thinspo, but it's not allowing me to do so. Well anyways, wish me luck lovelies ♥

Friday, May 6, 2011

Hello Operator.

What's good? I'm back, and I think I'm going to stay this time.
Just need a place where I can safely put everything out there, and have my support.
So much has changed; I'm currently living with my dad now. Well, it's his girlfriend's house technically, but yeah. I hate it here. I don't like Pam, his girlfriend. She talks shit about me as soon as I leave the room and I can hear every word she says. Recently, her and my dad found my complete stash of pills; everything and anything you can imagine. I did steal some of her pills too, which really made her flip on me but I don't blame her I guess. Just some of the things she said to me were really outrageous and uncalled for.

"You're gonna end up homeless, living on the streets in a box, looking for next heroin shoot up."
"You're a little fake! You are a phony! You're a hypocrite!"
"You already fucked up the relationship with your mom, and you can't live with her now."

"You always fuck up!"

Like really? Fuck her, bitch.
So basically she's "done" with me and my "shit" and can't stand me anymore. I can't even stay at her house by myself because nobody trusts me. Honestly I've learned from all of this and I'm not going to steal pills ever again, hands down I swear on my Uncle's life. And I love my uncle so much, he's the only one I'm getting better for. ♥
So until July, I have to stay here with this bitch and my so called dad, and my disgusting fat ass, lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate, ugly sister. Rachel. I hate her, I do. I never said I've hated anyone before in my life but there is absolutely no words I have to speak about her in a positive way, and that's sad. But it's the God Damn truth and it's all I'm going to speak anymore. For real, I'm getting myself together and I'm going to show everyone up in my life. Especially Pam. You have no faith in me, you have no ounce of love in your heart for me besides the fact that you let me stay here, I'll fucking show you.
She's been making me go to my grandmother's house after school since she doesn't get off work until like six.
I hate it here, and being on probation sucks. Curfew @ 7pm on school nights: 9pm on Fridays & Saturdays (IF) my parentals even let me out: random drug tests, and weekly check ins with my PO.
Whatever, I can't complain.
I'm still with ana and bel. Mostly bel, especially these last few days.
I don't want to get better. I want to be skinny and beautiful, and that's exactly what I'm going to be.
Adam, have I said his name yet? He is this guy I've been talking to - addict himself, in jail since March but getting out May 16th! - and I really kinda like him. Sweet, really sweet boy; cute and funny and has so much talent in art and music. I'm scared about his addiction though, he says he still wants to do one thing that doesn't show up in drug tests. I told him I'm alright with it even though I'm really not. I don't want him to be on anything. One thing leads to another, I would know. But I don't know what to do. I'll take it day by day and see how it's all going. I can't control him and I told him that and how I am not going to keep him from doing anything, he's free to do what he wants. We're not actually together either, I guess just a thing. I asked him what's going to come of us and he said he sees us going somewhere. I guess that's better than nothing out of him. Everyone says I can do so much better, and sometimes I believe them. But I'm drawn to him and I can't just drop him. He says I'll be his drug and I'm all he'll need to get better, so I guess you could say the pressure is kinda on me. It may or may not be good, but I'm not leaving him.
I wish I could tell you all my current stats. but I honestly don't know. I don't like not being able to weigh myself everyday, three times a day, but in a way it kinda helps. I have counseling every Monday night with Korrine and she weighs me. I don't know what I am really, but she says I maintain, and once she said I lost quite a bit of weight. I'm about 120 probably. That's not good enough, not even close to where I want to be.
Well my dad just rushed in and said that Pam is kicking us out and to pack my things. I'll write tomorrow if I can.