Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Blah Blah Blahh.

I had a good day, can't complain. I sound crazy in my last blog, I'm sorry. I just started on this new medicine - Nerontin (?) - and it decreases anxiety greatly and causes me to be more outgoing. Which I didn't realize until this morning why I felt so good, haha.

Adam gets out on Monday? Mmmm :)
I'm so excited! I miss him terribly; I haven't seen him since the day I skipped school and visited him in the hospital, back in March! It's been too long.
I miss my mom. I miss my home. I miss the town I used to live in.
Have I wrote about what happened on here?
Basically in a few short sentences; mom's an alcoholic & lost custody of me & I can only see her in a room with people and cameras watching & I love her & I miss her & she kicked me out March 17th & I live with my dad now & July 1 is when the parentals go back to court and she could get custody of me again & I don't like my dad & I miss my mom.
Yup yup. It was hard though, like she would be a completely different person when she drank. She'd hit me, pull my hair, push me into walls. I've had so may bruises and shit all over me from her. I think I said something about that in my older posts. I hated her, I really did. I hated living with her and everything. But I think I acted too strongly on this, by telling someone about her problem. I regret telling JFS about her but I mean I couldn't take it anymore. She was breaking me and killing herself. I just wish it didn't go this far..
Everything happens for a reason; that's all I believe in anymore.

I wish I had someone there, you know? I search for that mother figure all the time, someone who won't constantly put me down or abuse me not only physically but emotionally as well. It took me many years before I accepted the fact that she was abusive. All my friends kept telling me repeatedly...I denied it and defended her. She's my mom, I mean, anyone would..but then I couldn't take it anymore and she made me feel lower than low in life. I'm done.

But I forgive her. It's not her fault. I just miss her. :(

I miss Adam and Josie (my kitten) - at my mom's - and the house I grew up in and the grass and the country and the birds singing and the smell of the morning coffee in that house. Never take things for granted, I have and you'll never realize how much you have until it's gone. And she's gone..
She says that it isn't a mother's job to pick me up / drop me off places I needed to go. I though it was, but I was wrong. I treated my mom like shit, now that I look back on it all. I wish I could of been better, but I can't say that because it's done and over with and in the past.

Restricted today but binged and purged once. Feelin' like doing it again but I won't. It's times like these where I could really use a person to support me.

I think this is enough blogging for a day. If any of you guys have a facebook, I would be more than glad to be friends on that, message back and forth? :)

I have to pee, just thought I'd share that haha. Goodnight everyone and stay strong. ♥

1 comment:

  1. imso rry that u miss ur mom but its prob better that ur not with her right now when shes not drinking then u can hopefully go back kdont want u getting hurt