Sunday, May 29, 2011

Float on ♥

I'm feeling calm, peaceful. I like this feeling. One binge today, one purge. Then a few cups of green tea and here I am now. Restricting is kinda easy when you're in a bikini all day; I was laying out trying to tan. Anyways, I want to say thanks to everyone here. Honestly, you guys make my day, knowing that I have people out there reading this and commenting. It means a lot to me. Thank you. :)
I lost my best friend. Not lost as in deceased, but I told some people her biggest secret. I know, I stabbed her in the back. Why did I do it? I don't know. We've been best friends for nine years now. We tell each other everything, and I went and told someone stuff. (I told one of our other friends, the secret was she lost her virginity to her boyfriend.) It's not a big deal to me, if you've read my July posts from last year...yeah. And I just hooked up with some Ryan guy who lives by my dad. I wish I didn't, but I guess you live and learn. Sorry I'm getting side tracked! Ha. No but, this was a big big big deal to her, Tori. I love her with all of my heart and she's been there for me through absolutely everything. And I do this to her? I can't explain how sorry I am, and how much I am upset with myself about it. It was like, a one time thing, you start ranting to a friend about something and it all pours out. :(
Well she hasn't talked to me in a week now, over a week actually. I'm a lost puppy without her. Honestly, she's my other half and I fucked it up. Way to go me.
So I've been out looking for new people, and actually I've found some people who actually have a lot in common with me. So maybe this break is a good thing? Time will tell.
I'm a hypocrite. I'm a liar. I did my best friend wrong. I'm told so many times that I hurt the people I love the most in my life. It's true, but I don't want to be told that anymore, I don't want to live that way. It's horrible, it's really really horrible.
I'm sorry, I needed to vent and I've got no yeah. :(
This eating disorder really fucks up a lot of my relationships, but I can't blame everything on my ed.
I went outside tonight, it's like almost 80 degrees, just rained but now it's drying up. I laying in my dad's drive way and just stared up at the stars and clouds. Everything just looked so different. I've never seen the world how I did tonight, and it really is changing me. It was so peaceful laying there, breathing, smelling the sweet air. Air really does smell sweet, haha. But it was just awesome; inspired me to blog tonight and I'm going to go write later. Then blog again tomorrow morning. :)
I am 119! Says the bad scale in the garage, but I believe it. Everywhere I go, everyone I see comments on how skinny I am. Why can't I see it? :( It's not fair, but nothing in life is fair. I deserve this because of all the shit I've done in my life. Especially to Tori. I messaged her on facebook today and she replied, it was nice. But she can't find herself to talk to me, so it's going to take a lot more time. School's out in five days and then I'll be stuck out here in Mentor for the summer. Atleast until July 1 if my mom can win me back. ♥ Please dear lord, let me go back to her. I know all of the things she's done to me, but I forgive her and I love her and I miss her. . .

Enough with my personal issues. What I've learned from all this though, is never take anything for granted, and you really don't know how much you have until it's gone. It's the truth. I lost my mom, my best friend now too? The judge I went to see last Monday, got hit by a car that night by riding his bike on a road. Died. And I just saw him hours earlier. Wow. :(
Life can take someone right out of your life in a second, so appreciate everyone and everything you have, because you really don't know if there will be a tomorrow to do so. I'm learning to take more risks, but also think before I do things. I'm impulsive and I'm trying to stop myself from being that as well as impatient.
Oh goodness that's a lot for tonight!! Hahah sorry, but thank you everyone. ♥
Goooodnight world.


  1. i'm so glad i have you on my dash again!

  2. ur right about life ihad a big eyeopener liuek 2 weeks ago it scared the shit ou tof me and ims tills cared but not enough to stop my ed even though i know its gonna take me away from the one person that loves me more then nethin
    im sorry about ur best freidn give her time she will forgive u just prove to her that u deserve to b forgiven and it will all b ok