Friday, May 6, 2011

Hello Operator.

What's good? I'm back, and I think I'm going to stay this time.
Just need a place where I can safely put everything out there, and have my support.
So much has changed; I'm currently living with my dad now. Well, it's his girlfriend's house technically, but yeah. I hate it here. I don't like Pam, his girlfriend. She talks shit about me as soon as I leave the room and I can hear every word she says. Recently, her and my dad found my complete stash of pills; everything and anything you can imagine. I did steal some of her pills too, which really made her flip on me but I don't blame her I guess. Just some of the things she said to me were really outrageous and uncalled for.

"You're gonna end up homeless, living on the streets in a box, looking for next heroin shoot up."
"You're a little fake! You are a phony! You're a hypocrite!"
"You already fucked up the relationship with your mom, and you can't live with her now."

"You always fuck up!"

Like really? Fuck her, bitch.
So basically she's "done" with me and my "shit" and can't stand me anymore. I can't even stay at her house by myself because nobody trusts me. Honestly I've learned from all of this and I'm not going to steal pills ever again, hands down I swear on my Uncle's life. And I love my uncle so much, he's the only one I'm getting better for. ♥
So until July, I have to stay here with this bitch and my so called dad, and my disgusting fat ass, lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate, ugly sister. Rachel. I hate her, I do. I never said I've hated anyone before in my life but there is absolutely no words I have to speak about her in a positive way, and that's sad. But it's the God Damn truth and it's all I'm going to speak anymore. For real, I'm getting myself together and I'm going to show everyone up in my life. Especially Pam. You have no faith in me, you have no ounce of love in your heart for me besides the fact that you let me stay here, I'll fucking show you.
She's been making me go to my grandmother's house after school since she doesn't get off work until like six.
I hate it here, and being on probation sucks. Curfew @ 7pm on school nights: 9pm on Fridays & Saturdays (IF) my parentals even let me out: random drug tests, and weekly check ins with my PO.
Whatever, I can't complain.
I'm still with ana and bel. Mostly bel, especially these last few days.
I don't want to get better. I want to be skinny and beautiful, and that's exactly what I'm going to be.
Adam, have I said his name yet? He is this guy I've been talking to - addict himself, in jail since March but getting out May 16th! - and I really kinda like him. Sweet, really sweet boy; cute and funny and has so much talent in art and music. I'm scared about his addiction though, he says he still wants to do one thing that doesn't show up in drug tests. I told him I'm alright with it even though I'm really not. I don't want him to be on anything. One thing leads to another, I would know. But I don't know what to do. I'll take it day by day and see how it's all going. I can't control him and I told him that and how I am not going to keep him from doing anything, he's free to do what he wants. We're not actually together either, I guess just a thing. I asked him what's going to come of us and he said he sees us going somewhere. I guess that's better than nothing out of him. Everyone says I can do so much better, and sometimes I believe them. But I'm drawn to him and I can't just drop him. He says I'll be his drug and I'm all he'll need to get better, so I guess you could say the pressure is kinda on me. It may or may not be good, but I'm not leaving him.
I wish I could tell you all my current stats. but I honestly don't know. I don't like not being able to weigh myself everyday, three times a day, but in a way it kinda helps. I have counseling every Monday night with Korrine and she weighs me. I don't know what I am really, but she says I maintain, and once she said I lost quite a bit of weight. I'm about 120 probably. That's not good enough, not even close to where I want to be.
Well my dad just rushed in and said that Pam is kicking us out and to pack my things. I'll write tomorrow if I can.

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