Sunday, August 21, 2011

Beginnngs; fresh starts; this is one of those!

So I don't like the fact that all of my old posts are about binging. Because this is the start of DAY 3 that I haven't binged OR purged!!!!!!
I made a new blog, preferably to be more chill, more life-related. I'll comment on this with the link to it because I can't post it right now...(same email accounts or some problem..)
So I'm looking forward to seeing all you lovely people on my new blog. ♥
I feel like I have to do this because I'm growing into a new person, new sense of control for me. I want to let go of the past, mia, and just begin new.
Much looovee. ♥

Friday, August 19, 2011

Time's flying, but I'm too heavy to fly too.

Ha wow, I kinda like that.
Anyways, I just need to say thank you, everyone, for reading my blog, posting comments, etc. It really does mean a lot to me. :)
I also need to say that I read every one's blogs as well, and when I try to enter my comment something pops up and it doesn't let me post anything. So that's why you guys haven't been commented on by Megan!
Haha I talk in third person sometimes.
I'm weird.

222 ♥
I didn't eat a thing today, new meds make me high, like legit. It's awesome but I look like shit. I don't know what it is but my face just looks all reddddish and gross. :(
Tonight I'm going to a party with some guyyss. I was so excited yesterday about it, but now that it's happening tonight, IN A FEW HOURS, I'm freaking out. Why?"
I have this problem all the time, I hate commitment. But don't get me wrong, I'll never, ever cheat on a guy. But I don't like being tied down to one right now. I'm sixteen, new school, new shrinking again body, new start! But I don't know how I got so side tracked in typing this like I said these meds make me weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hahah ;)
But yeeah. Colin, ex from 7th grade, 4+ years ago, is picking me up and we're going to 'spend the night together'
Ah dear, I love this boy and I was ready to party and just have a good time, but my feelings today are like, ugh wtf. I don't wanna go to this party anymore.
Okay I do, but like with my friends! HAPPPY PEOPLE! PREFERABLY GIRLS SO NOTHING BAD HAPPENS, ahem ahem sex whattt?

So yeah, that's it. school starts on the 29th? I don't know that monday or something. I'm gonna loose five pounds by then :)
115 here i come, again! And this time I won't get caught, and I won't tell a soul that I'm still doing this. Well except all of you lovely people, the only ones who understand. ♥
But thank you again, really. I love and appreciate every comment and like I said I wiish I could comment back! But I don't know how anymore hah.
Apologies. ♥
So imma go try to wrestle this mane of hair on my head down because it's so humid here it went POOOF.
haha love you all, forrr reall ♥♥♥♥

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Oh my goodness;

August 9th was my last post, apologies for my absence. Really nothing has been going on. Counseling yesterday went well; she believes me that I haven't binged or purged in over two weeks. Hahahahaha. I hate lying but I have to do it now.
Hmm what else? Working at Wendy's - they cut back my hours to me working like once a week? Yeah, aha. They said I'm too slow on sandwiches and always mess up on cash register. Great, just what I need, to be stuck in this house all the time. I wish I could work every day for like eight hours. Hellz yeah, that would be good. But I'll look for another job., one preferably not in the fast food area haha. Of course, only I would fail at a fast food job, you know? Hahaha silly old me.
Well school starts in about two weeks. I'm not really scared at all nor am I dreading it. I'm excited to meet new people and do new things. This is what life is all about I guess and I'm more than willing to give it my all and go out there and have fun! I'm trying to get over mia and I think before I do that I have to re feed a little, showing myself that if I eat I have to keep it in me or not eat at all. But re feeding as in simply eating a salad or a banana, not a five course meal. If there's even such thing? But you get what I'm saying.
Last night for the first time I kept down a salad! Just lettuce, onion and broccoli, but also this time, I put dressing on it. But it was light, only 1g of fat which I'm still sulking about but I'm also proud of myself because I really did keep it down. :)
Although I feel like binging and purging right now. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Um here's the latest update of my leggos -

Feet together, my hand is simply holding my hoodie up, I know it looks awkward haha. But yeah, that's about it. Stay strong everyone. ♥

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Oh Lulu

I don't know why I named this the name I did. Hah I read your comment Lulu and just was replying in my mind and it came out.
Mia. Oh dear lord, where do I begin?
I will post a whole entry on this tomorrow, alright? Right now I am so aggitated and dogs are barking and my heads throbbing and I want to fucking eat (binge) then of course purge but fucking Pam is all like "oh hghdinfvioaesnfjlnfjkvnrn" and it's like fuckk you dumb fat ass lady let me fucking eat.
Sneaking out later tonight - if I feel better. :/
So um yeah I'm gonna go grab some food, fuck what they say, and Imma eat and then purge and then get ready for my night out.
Thanks lovelies. ♥♥♥♥
Tell me how you're all doing?

Saturday, August 6, 2011


People can be real ignorant, you know?

Liars, cheaters- you name it.
I never would of thought that I'd come this far with ED. It's not fair, I want to live a normal life.. Yes normal. There can be such thing if you believe in it, and I believe in it. Normal to me would be; eating without worry, not over eating, not starving, not throwing up anything I eat, not having to lie to everyone in regards to food...there's more but you get the gist of what I'm saying.
Last night while making my binge foods, I burned my hand really bad. Like hot oil splashed up on me and it burned my entire right wrist, about three inches up and down it, and up to the knuckles on my thumb and fingers. TALK ABOUT PAINFUL? But I somehow still binged, still purged? Yeah, I held a bag of frozen brussels sprouts on me the whole time - it hurt my finger though when I was..yeah. You understand right? Good.
Nothing else really goin' down, I think. I don't know. If I remember anything I can always make another post haha. ;)
Thanks everyone for the comments and new followers. ♥
So happy you enjoy reading my! Haha :)
Much love, forrrreal;
Every one of you guys are so so sosososoooo sooo SO appreciated and really make my day sometimes
. Thank you so much for being the beautiful people you are. ♥

Friday, August 5, 2011

I thought I could be strong.

Lately I've been having crazy dreams and last night's just pushed me over the edge.

I was getting ready for Homecoming, and like...I don't know it was all weird.

But anyways, I ended up at my mom's house, she wasn't home though? And I looked in the mirror and I hated how I looked; just felt so down about myself. Then I guess I had a dirt stain on my dress and my hair looked like shit and my make up was fading. I felt so ugly and it wasn't even my weight, at least not that I can recall. And it just sucks because it's how it is in real life. I care so much about my appearance. In my dream I was crying and saying I wasn't going and all my friends were out in the living room waiting on me. I felt so ugly. So ugly.

So here's a picture of me. I felt so pretty and confident when I took it, you can tell by my facial expression hah. My mouth is all like, "ohhh yeah, i'm hot shit." But it's like now when I look at this, I want to delete it and hide somewhere. So I'm posting it here, for all you to see the real me. Not 'emm', just me.

Did you know that emm was just for my intitials? My names Megan, and M is the first letter, but it's pronounced 'em'. I just used that.
Hah yeah. So I'm 120 with a T-shirt and sweats on. Didn't feel like stripping this morning to get on it. So I'm probably 118 again? Yay. Not really. Every time when I hear a new low number for me I'm happy, but then after a few days of being that new low number, it gets old, and I want to get lower. I'm not saying that anyone who is 118 or above is big. NO NO NO NO NONO NO NO!
Everyone here is beautiful, soooo beautiful. I wish ED didn't come into your lives and take over, but it happened and there's nothing I can do but lend my heart and support out to everyone. ♥
I'm here for anyone & everyone if they need anything. Someone to vent to, talk to, cry to, lean on, anything, I'm here. ♥♥♥ :))

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I hate lax

Up all night, okay not really, but 'til three this morning; cramps, toilet sitting, ouch, ouch ouch, ew.
My sister is leaving now to go to work. I'm trying not to binge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today. I'm not that hungry right now, but I know within the next minute I can do a 360 and change completely. Why am I like this? God knows, but he usually doesn't answer me right away. It's all good.
I'm supposed to hang out with Tanja tonight, good friend whom I just met this year (old school) but we just have so much in common, it's crazy. But she usually always ''can't'' make it for some reason or another, so I didn't really bother to ask my dad if I could have a friend over. Oh well, it is what it is.
It's not sunny at all lately so I can't lay out and tan! I thought I'd get black this summer, but nope; weather is against me I guess.
Do you ever just finish drinking coffee, which usually makes you feel full, then want to eat? Like I don't understand this at all! Why do I want to eat when I'm not even hungry? I know I'll be happy and satisfied in the moment and after I purge it all up, but I mean during and before the purge I'll regret it. But right now I won't? I don't know, I need mroe pills in me.
I'm going to go clean. Even though I just did yesterday! Haha things can never be too clean. ♥

Monday, August 1, 2011

Two in one day? Wowowowowowo

Haha yeah, second post within this twenty-four houred day. Is hour-ed a word?
Well it is now!

So just got back from my meeting with my therapist, Korrine. She's cool, like her a lot at first. Now since I came out about behaviors it's like what the fuck. I really can't stand her. She told me tonight that if I can't get my binging/purging under control on my own and with her help I will be put into residential. I almost died. Yeah, I think it's time to start bullshittin' my way through again, right Megan? RIGHT. Like for real, she made a copy of August's calender and told me to write how many behaviors each day, like tally them up, and fuck yeah I'm going to lie about it. Whatever yo, I'm done with eating disorder recovery. It's just not going to happen for me.
Other than that, I'm just chillen. Taking life day by day, each binge and purge by each binge and purge, often followed by another but ya'know. Hahah ;)
I'm really going to stop that. This girl JJ and I are fasting starting tomorrow, so I will definitely be posting about that. I'm not going to eat for a while. I know I won't because this time I've never felt so strongly on how I'm going to act.
I'm different now; I've changed. Believe me or not, I don't really care. All I'm going to do is prove everyone wrong. :)
I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm on my way to complete happiness. ♥

They tell me I'm strong, but I know I'm not at all;

I'm up up on the moon ♥

So I am done. Fucking done. I'm not binging anymore. So what; I've said it before but I'll say nine times again -I am done!
Like forreal. I'm getting yelled at too much for 'pigging out' on everything. I ate half a gallon of ice cream yesterday - I didn't think it was that much nor did I think that anyone would of looked in it - but of course when I open the freezer this morning it was moved! So maybe they didn't look in it, but still. There's a pretty good chance and I'm probably going to hear it when they get home.
I don't want that anymore. :(
This morning I almost exploded my stomach - literally. I ate so much and kept eating no matter how full I got and my stomach was packed and hurting and I didn't stop. Then I got this piercing pain shooting in my stomach and I almost went numb, like it was that bad. So I went and purged. Then after a little bit of that of course I come back and binge more. But now it's all up and I took laxatives and I'm drinking coffee. Ugh.
Why do I have to go through all of this? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

-Hope everyone is doing ten times better than me. ♥