Wednesday, June 30, 2010

will we ever get what we deserve.

Help. My mom found bags of vomit in my closet just two days ago, actually like right after my last post. She flipped out, saying I'm going to be hospitalized and all this, and then she called so many psych-wards/counselors/hospitals/eating disorder centers for me. ): I'm in counseling now, and she's watching me nonstop. Tomorrow we have to drive almost an hour out to some clinic place where I'm going to get more counseling. And these blood tests from the doctors show that my potassium level is dangerously low, a 1.9 when anything below a 3 could cause fatal heart problems. My mom was crying. I can't believe this. It's like reality just hit me. I can't keep doing this. I remember when I was first getting into all of this, I told myself that I would get out before it got too serious, I'd get out when I reach a good low weight. Well look at me now, I can't get out no matter what. This morning I ate a banana (potassium!) and so so many chocolate bars, like mini ones. And I'm on potassium pills I have to take three times a day. This isn't good. And I haven't slept at all, I've been up all night and I don't know why. I just cannot sleep. God, I'm like craving some buttered toast with jelly right now...ughh. I binged on potato salad late last night and I got it up in my room while my mother was asleep. It's in a container in the bottom drawer of my dresser right now, I have to get it out soon.
I haven't weighed myself since two days ago either, and it's killing me to see if I'm down to 112. I think I'm going to have a final binge on toast and what not like I said while my mom has to run errands today. After that, I have to stop. I want to live a full life with no complications. I can't keep doing this. I don't know how, but I will make it through this. I feel bad for my Ana buddies whom I was texting before; my phone broke and I didn't get the chance to talk to them. ):
Well, I just wanted to update this before anything else happens. This really sucks.
I think I'm going to start eating again, but only like a banana a day and maybe some veggies. That's all I can take right now before I like have a panic attack of binging and getting it back up. /:
Please God, just give me the strength to get through all of this okay. <3
God bless all of you out there with this same problem. Don't let it eat you alive.
I'm still here for everyone, believe me I am. And this isn't going to stop me from getting down to 110. I AM GOING TO GET TO THAT WEIGHT. But maybe by choosing a bit more healthier route. I'll see where this takes me, I'll try to keep this updated as well as I can but my mother probably won't let me on the computer much. When she found the bags she screamed at me, took my phone and grounded me. I was supposed to go to a friend's that night but she didn't let me go and I also had a softball game but she kept me from that too. It's like I'm being punished for something that I can't control. And that's why I came to all of this, to control one thing in my life that my mom couldn't take control of. But in the end, it turned on me. And I'm hitting rock bottom now.
Please don't make the same mistakes I did. I hope everyone can learn something from me.
Please stay well everyone, I don't wanna loose any of you. <3
Just hang in there, just stay strong...

Monday, June 28, 2010

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing.

Short short short post!
Weeelll, I'm 113!
Fuuuuuuucckkk yeaaah. (:
Maybe 112 actually, after this last binge/purge I just had I should be down one pound.
Imma go check..


Weell, I'm like right on the line - 112.9999 / 113. Hah.
Oh well, tomorrow I should be 112 though. (:
NOTHING can stop me.

And thanks to everyone who comments my blogs <3
you guys make my dayy!! (:

Thursday, June 24, 2010

nobody said it was easy, nobody ever said it would be this hard.

Sorry I'm not doing so well keeping this updated; I've been very busy lately. I'm trying to overcome this bulimia. I want to shrink my stomach. This morning I ate ten eggs, six pieces of toast, yet I was still hungry. That's not right. So I'm watching some thinspo's on youtube - they really help! Here's one that I'm especially in love with right now :

:) Beautiful music, beautiful pictures.
Yesterday i had a doctor's appointment. I layered up the best I could (although it was 90 degrees!) and I filled up on water making myself 121. I was 124 last time I had to go which was about three weeks ago, and the doctor and my mom were flipping out about my weight loss. Thank God they don't know how much I really weigh. (114) But all that water never fully came outta me, so I'm up to 115 again. :(
Hopefully by tomorrow I can be 114 and 113 again. My mom has to work four the next four days so I'll be able to get away with it. And then Monday I have to go back to the doctors just for another blood test. I had to get blood drawn yesterday and I passed out. Not from the sight of it, just from the feeling that I got afterwards. I was so dizzy it was terrible. But I was fine within ten minutes.
Ahh, so I really like the people who comment on my blogs. :) thankss!
If you want my facebook or myspace, I'll give it to youuus so we can talk more.
I'm gonna get off for the day, maybe bleach my hair somemore haha. :)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I was thinking the other day that all my blogs sound crazy, hah. Or that I'm on drugs or depressed or whatever you name it. But honestly, I'm not at all like that! Maybe I just get weird typing? I dunno, hahah. Weelll tonight I went to softball; I've fallen back in love. The coach didn't have me in much because I haven't been showing up for the games so he left me out altogether, but I played center a few times. I hope I don't pitch tomorrow though, I haven't warmed up in eons! So Friday Brenna and I are hanging out :) She's the one I usually drink with, heh. And Hope (who I smoke and drink with :D) hasn't been replying to my texts so I'm guessing she doesn't have her phone, but we've gotta hang out soon too. Summer is amazing. Maybe it started off a little hazy and rough, but I'm not moping around the house anymore. I'm going to get out and experience life. Except for one thing, I'm not going to go with my bessfriend on that trip to Ocean City, Maryland. Although I've yet to tell her, I'm kinda scared on how she's going to react. Like I've been avoiding her for a while now and she finally confronted me about it. And honestly, I just don't like being around her anymore. She just gets on my nerves soooo easily, and she's just . . . not my type of person. I don't mean to sound like a ruthless, cold-hearted bitch, and it's not like I'm mean to her in any way at all, I've just been slowly drifting away from her. She's been my best friend since third grade though, seven years and we've stuck through it all. It's kinda sad, but it's just life. She doesn't care about school, whereas I do. I'm not going into detail, but I guess we're just complete opposites. And sure opposites attract as 'they' always say but not anymore.
I'm growing up. I'm a changing person, for better and maybe for worse. I'm making different decisions than what I normally would and I'm even surprising myself. I'm finding out life, it's not all fun and easy in the real world, it can be harsh at times and you've got to fight to get to where you want to be. I haven't cried in months, no break downs, nothing and I'm feeling so good about it. I just hope it doesn't happen at some random, inconvenient time.I hope it doesn't happen at all.
Am I rambling? I think I am. Oh dear, here comes the crazy-me again. Maybe I should update you on how I've been? Haha well I'm at 115 now :) the numbers are continuing to decrease and I've been ecstatic about it. Maybe 114 by tomorrow night, I just gotta not binge and purge because my mom's going to be home. She works Tuesdays and Thursdays and every other weekend. But I always get away with doing so anyhow. I need help, I truly do. I don't want to throw up anymore. I don't want to eat anymore. I wish I didn't have to live off food. I wish I wasn't addicted to food - I'm really starting to think I am. Either that, or I'm just obsessed with the tastes. But that's the same thing, right.
Rambling again, sorry. I'll let you loveys go. Byeee, :)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


I'm lost. I had five b/p's yesterday, talk about no selfcontrol. I was still 117 last night, so now I'm hoping to see 116 today. No more school, how great is that! :) Summer is finally here!! Tonight I have a softball game, I hope I'm not pitching; I haven't practiced in over a week. I'm just so tired all the time, I litterally nap every day for at least three hours! I think it's the meds I'm on. Oh well, I'm burning calories so that's good. :)
I hope my sister comes home soon, she went out with friends last night to a bonfire or something. She's seventeen, and she's basically the 'angel' in the fam. Straight A's, always studying, no boyfriends (ever!), she doesn't wear makeup, she never used drugs before, doesn't swear; she's just perfect. Except she's kinda bigger, like 150 pounds haha. She's muscley so that's probably why. And she tells my mom on me for any little thing I do! It suckss, but the thing my mom doesn't like is that she doesn't have a job. She's so lazy and my mom's finally been on her ass about it. I mean, I feel kinda bad but it's about time my mom did something. Me and my sister don't get along at all, basically because we're complete opposites. The other day (please don't judge me on this!) I was snoopin' in her room and I came across her diary. Of course, silly old me, I accidently opened it and may have slipped a peek inside. (OOOPS!) And surprisingly she just wrote something on 6/6/10 which was Sunday? But it was just saying how she hates my mom, and how I've kinda been a bitch to her lately. I know, I may be rude to her sometimes. But about my mom, you see, she's an alcoholic. She's been ever since we were little. And when she's drunk she gets angry and violent and starts screaming at us. Lately it's been more so directed towards my sister because of her 'jobless-ness'. And my sister wrote about how she doesn't give a fuck anymore. She wants to move out as soon as she can, and she will. She said she wants to get a job now because she can't stand being home with my mom, and she's trying to spend as much time away from home as she can (like she is now). But the one thing that really struvk me is that she said "I'm going to start drinking and doing drugs now just to put it in my mom's face. I really want to try pot soon, maybe sometime later this week or next week." DIRECT QUOTE as I remember it. I almost died, like my sister seriously wanting to do weed!?! FUCK YEAH! :D like shitt son, I wanna be there when she does it for the first time, honestly I think that if she does this and likes it, it could be the one thing we have in common! :) haha I know that sounds kinda bad but seriouslyy. I'm going to talk to her about it, just bring it up casually and see what she says. I'm not going to tell my mom about it, why the hell would I? I'm not at all like that, but if my sister tells my mom I'll prolly flip a bitch. But yeahh, so I'm excited for the weekend, if it all goes down. :) Ahh, well I'm going to go now, have a good day everyone!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

summmmerrr time!

Finally, school is over! Well, amost. I have to go in tomorrow at 9 for finals, so I'll get out a little before 1. Then Tuesday I just have one in the morning, and I'll be home by 9, then it's all done! :) I'm about 118 now, ugh. But tomorrow I will definitely be 117. I had only two b/p's today! That's good for me! Haha well only two mostly because we didn't have any food, like litterally. But then I went grocery shopping for my mom, so I kinda picked out some good crackers..Oh well. I can totally get up whatever I eat, that's no problem, I just don't feel like throwing up. /: I'm soo tired of it. But at the same time I'm soo hungry. It's dumb.
So me and my one friend are becoming closer. :) She's cool, like she's 115, so so skinny, like I litterally could fit my hands around her legs. I guess her medication made her loose all this weight, she used to be pretty big before. Probably about 134 I'm guessing? So same as me pretty much, but I know I don't look nearly as thin as her. /: one day though, one day.
Softball is whatever to me now. I'm quitting both my teams for the summer. /: I'm just so tired! I do not feel like playing at all. Plus I don't have rides to any of them. I don't know.
Well I'm going to try not to eat for the rest of nightt, I could sure use any tips!?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

let go of all we've never done.

I'm feeling insprired right now. I'm on some anit-depression meds, they make me tired. I slept for twelve hours tuesday night, it was nice. I'm about to log into myspace for the first time in like four weeks, haha.
I'm tending not to make much sense. I'm 117 and starving out of my mind.
I want to get my ears guaged again, they were down to a FUCKING 2 !
I'm going to go lay outside. :)