Wednesday, June 30, 2010

will we ever get what we deserve.

Help. My mom found bags of vomit in my closet just two days ago, actually like right after my last post. She flipped out, saying I'm going to be hospitalized and all this, and then she called so many psych-wards/counselors/hospitals/eating disorder centers for me. ): I'm in counseling now, and she's watching me nonstop. Tomorrow we have to drive almost an hour out to some clinic place where I'm going to get more counseling. And these blood tests from the doctors show that my potassium level is dangerously low, a 1.9 when anything below a 3 could cause fatal heart problems. My mom was crying. I can't believe this. It's like reality just hit me. I can't keep doing this. I remember when I was first getting into all of this, I told myself that I would get out before it got too serious, I'd get out when I reach a good low weight. Well look at me now, I can't get out no matter what. This morning I ate a banana (potassium!) and so so many chocolate bars, like mini ones. And I'm on potassium pills I have to take three times a day. This isn't good. And I haven't slept at all, I've been up all night and I don't know why. I just cannot sleep. God, I'm like craving some buttered toast with jelly right now...ughh. I binged on potato salad late last night and I got it up in my room while my mother was asleep. It's in a container in the bottom drawer of my dresser right now, I have to get it out soon.
I haven't weighed myself since two days ago either, and it's killing me to see if I'm down to 112. I think I'm going to have a final binge on toast and what not like I said while my mom has to run errands today. After that, I have to stop. I want to live a full life with no complications. I can't keep doing this. I don't know how, but I will make it through this. I feel bad for my Ana buddies whom I was texting before; my phone broke and I didn't get the chance to talk to them. ):
Well, I just wanted to update this before anything else happens. This really sucks.
I think I'm going to start eating again, but only like a banana a day and maybe some veggies. That's all I can take right now before I like have a panic attack of binging and getting it back up. /:
Please God, just give me the strength to get through all of this okay. <3
God bless all of you out there with this same problem. Don't let it eat you alive.
I'm still here for everyone, believe me I am. And this isn't going to stop me from getting down to 110. I AM GOING TO GET TO THAT WEIGHT. But maybe by choosing a bit more healthier route. I'll see where this takes me, I'll try to keep this updated as well as I can but my mother probably won't let me on the computer much. When she found the bags she screamed at me, took my phone and grounded me. I was supposed to go to a friend's that night but she didn't let me go and I also had a softball game but she kept me from that too. It's like I'm being punished for something that I can't control. And that's why I came to all of this, to control one thing in my life that my mom couldn't take control of. But in the end, it turned on me. And I'm hitting rock bottom now.
Please don't make the same mistakes I did. I hope everyone can learn something from me.
Please stay well everyone, I don't wanna loose any of you. <3
Just hang in there, just stay strong...

1 comment:

  1. oh gosh hun, i'm really not sure what to say.
    i truly feel for you, & i wish you much success in whatever path you take may to be ana or otherwise.
    staystrong, page.