Saturday, July 3, 2010

probation and whats on my mind.

I hate that word. It makes me feel restricted, oh wait that's because I AM.

I have to stop for at least two weeks. After all these counseling and doctor appointments are over, here I come Ana. Bye bulimia, hopefully.
I was forced into the hospital Wednesday night. Mother called the sheriff dept. on me because I wouldn't go with her. Got put in an ambulance, I just walked out of the house without resisting because they said they'd 'put me into custody if I refuse'. How great. Fucking mother, I hate her, I really do. She's been nothing to me my whole life. All she does is drink and drink and pop pills and fucking drink more. Then she'll grab me and throw me around, and just keep pounding on me, over and over again. I can't take it anymore. Everyone at school knows, everyone sees the bruises on my arms. They're in the shape of fucking hand prints! Then the next day she'll ask me, "how did you get those bruises!?"
And I say "YOU!"
But she always replies, (well slaps me first) "what the fuck, I didn't do that to you. You did this to yourself!?!"
"...yeah mom, I did."
So I went to counseling for bruising myself. Almost went to the psych ward then too.
Welcome to my life.
Every single day of that, kinda makes you a little crazy inside. And for the longest time I thought that was normal. I thought my mom was supposed to call me a cow, a bitch, a little fucking whore, "you son of a bitch!" ... and so on.
People know I lie about it, people know the truth. And my mom's almost 50 years old already, how she manages to do all this is still a mystery to me. I've told people she's an alcoholic and I've said it to her face many of times. She makes up excuses and changes the subject, drinks in private now hiding it all out in the garage, and she stopped my counseling after the second visit because I said she's an alcoholic.
"Oh Megan, I'll stop drinking. This is my last time, I won't ever do it again."
The next day she's wasted. But see, I wouldn't mind if she was nice or funny when she's drunk, but she's just straight up mean. And once in a while is understandable, but not seven days a week.
I'm at my dad's right now, I was going to move in here but I don't think I will anymore. I even packed up all my shit which was one small box and took everything down off my walls and such. I was seriously going to leave. But I don't think I will. My mom needs me, and if I'm not there all the time to clean up her vomiting in the bathroom or help her into bed when she's passed out in the front yard, she'd prolly die. I don't know what to do, I'm going into counseling and hopefully I can get all this out and put it away and never have to bring it up again. But it happens every night, every day. She's drunk by eight in the morning!
What should I do? I don't know. Counseling doesn't work, I've tried it.
I can wait three more years 'til I'm eighteen. After that, I'll never have to see her again.

Another thing that's on my mind is my like besfriend, so I thought. Remember a while ago I posted something about her taking me to Ocean City, Maryland this summer? And I was debating on whether or not I should go? Well I really wanted to, and she told me that we would go. But no. I texted her one night saying "Heyy wanna hang out tonight?" and she replied "Sorry, I'm busy with my family right now, maybe next Tuesday?" I said yeahh sure, thinking it's weird she's 'busy with her family' and I have to wait a whole week to hang out with her? She's never been that shady before. So I go online, and her other BESTFRIEND wrote her status as "Going to Ocean City with xxx, be back Monday night!"
What. The hell.
She didn't even tell me. I had to find out from someone else. I mean I wouldn't be mad if she would of just told me. Actually I'm not really mad at all, just super upset. I don't understand like why she'd keep it all from me, I don't know...but then she wanted to hang out except it was the day after my mom found the bags in my room, so I was under house arrest basically. But that day my mom was at work so I biked over to her house because I didn't have my phone and I know she would of flipped out if I didn't reply, but she lives like two minutes away. And she was so tan, like I needed to read the status to realize whats going on. And she had a henna tattoo on her chest, which is exactly what she said she'll do when 'we' go down to Ocean City. And she added "(her besfriend xx)and I got matching ones!" I didn't say anything, but I really want to say "When were you going to tell me?"
I don't know, she's just so retarded. We only hung out once all summer, and I'm planning on it being the only time. I'm done with her, she never talks to me so I don't talk to her. Dumb fucking ass cunts some girls can be, I can never trust 'em. I never will, never ever again.
Well I'm done rambling on about this, thanks for taking out your guy's time to know what my life is, hah.
I'm just staying strong. If I wasn't mentally stable right now, I'd be an emotional wreck. I feel it coming on soon, a break down with a bajillion tears. But I'll save it for a night that I can cry myself to sleep. Speaking of which, I only got two hours of sleep last night. I can't sleep, like ever. I only get a few hours of sleep yet I'm up late again the next night! Like we're talking 2-3am and waking up by 4-5am! I can't fall back asleep. It's been going on for a week now and I can feel the dark bags just wanting to come through under my eyes, haha.
Well I'm done now, thanks <3


  1. Oh my gosh, that is way too fucking much for anyone, let alone someone your age (meant with the utmost respect and absolutely no rude intentions, I promise :) ) to have to deal with.
    I am so sorry that you have to put up with that from your mother. You seem so nice; you don't deserve that. At all.
    And as for your friend, girls can get super shady. For whatever reason, people will feel the need to drop those that care most about them. I hope that it all works out for you, even if that means losing a "friend", because really, if she's that toxic, you can do a LOT better with her out of your life.

    Keep on staying strong. Life balances itself out.
    I wish you the best in all aspects of your life! ♥

  2. thank youu. i didn't take that offensively. :) hah. i've been dealing with this from her since i was four, but thats as far back as i can remember.
    but yeahh, i mean life moves on. you gain friends, you loose some. i strongly believe everything happens for a reason, but i'm waiting for the reasons to all of this.
    i'm holding myself all together the bast i can, and thanks again. :)

  3. I'm sorry your mom's like that. I don't even know what to say.
    You've earned a lot of respect from me from this post, though. Love you girlie, hang in there <3 :]