I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay.
It's not working too well.
So I have to gain weight, and if I don't I'll be in the in-patient program again.
I'm not going back in there. It's bad enough with my out-patient program I'm doing, supervised by my mother. Which she's not doing very well at because I'm binging and purging right in front of her, yet she doesn't realize it because the alcohol fills her veins and takes her away. But I'm okay, only a few new bruises. And I think it's normal? I don't know what normal even is anymore...
One more week. I'm moving out unconditionally. I'm not signing another two week contract to be stuck with my mom. no No NO. I have so much dislike for her, I can't stand being here another minute. She goes through everything in my room every day and she leaves it a mess, claiming ''you have all day to put everything back how you had it.'' Really mom, really? Then I can't even sit down and watch television because ''I'm wasting electricity.'' But what are you doing right now? Doesn't make much sense to me...doesn't seem too fair to me either.
And do you guys want to hear another sad thing? I secretly borrowed my mother's phone today (she turned mine off) and called my dad. We were talking for a little bit, and he knows that I want to live with him, he even told me that I could. But I don't know if he was sober when he said any of that because he never mentions it anymore. And maybe I'm just paranoid about all of this, or maybe I just need to speak up. But the sad thing is, when I told him how much I hated living here today he just replied, "what do you want me to do?'' ...
Like, should I have straight up said it? Dad I want you to come pick up my stuff so that I can move in with you. But I shed a tear or two...and just said "I don't know." The most common three words that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. Whatever. I can't rely on anyone in this world. But I'm going to move in with my dad, because if I don't, I'll never have a life. And if I don't have a life, I'll never be free. And I want to be free.
So I'm putting on the pounds, 127 I do believe. Ew. My stomach bulges out like a baby is growing in me. Oh wait, that's right. There probably is. ):
I got sick one morning. I don't know if it was just me purging, or legit throwing up. Kinda hard to tell. But I did feel sick to my stomach, and maybe I'm just saying that it was all in my head. Who knows.
I stopped taking those meds. Except the ativan, that shits legit. Makes me forget everything. I should start selling it, aha. Kidding; I need some humor right now. Please, someone just give me strength...