Thursday, July 8, 2010

don't read this. please.

I don't want anyone to read this, what I'm about to say is terrible. I need to get it out though..

July Fourth, worst day of my life. I'm still crying from that night.
I went to a party with my father, his girlfriend, and my sister. It was fun, I got drunkk. I was NOT planning on doing so, but my sister just pissed me off. So I'm sitting there, shoving food in my face, trying to binge and what not. I didn't do anything to her; she asked me where the water was and I told her that it was in the cooler. So I'm there eating my hamburger, chomp chomp chomp. She comes back and throw ice in my face! I was like "what the fuck is wrong with you!?" I spit out whats in my mouth and throw it at her, then I ran downstairs (where the only bathroom was that I knew about) and getting everything up. Maybe I did over react a little, but seriously, she's seventeen and so immature. She did it on purpose too, trying to get it down my shirt? Whateverrr, and then there were no cute boys there so I'm like fuuckk it. I pored myself some Russian vodka and mixed it with whatever else was there. I sat down on a couch, (everyone was outside at this time so they didn't see me. It tasted bad, but I was so upset I binged/purged and my sister. I just chugged it. Then this lady came in and went to the little mini fridge under the counter, pulled out a mike's hard lemonade and walked back outside. I was like dammnn, I want one! Ha so I took the last one. Thennn I went back and drank another whole cup of Russian vodka mix. I was pretttyy drunk. Went to the bathroom to pee and tried taking a picture of myself and it was blurry. I didn't realize I did that until the next day when I looked in my phone. But I went aback out and sat on the couch. Suddenly this super cute guy walked in. He said "Can I get you pretty lady a drink" that's all I remember. I don't know what I said back, but then he came and sat down next to me. I remember we were talking (somehow I was) and then he was like "Do you wanna come out to my car and listen to this CD?" (we were discussing music I guess. And it was laaate, around 9:30/10:00? So it was dark and the people were drunk, and fireworks were going to start. We get to his car and I sit in the passenger's seat. He starts playing this music, grind core/screamo what not. I'm pretty much into that stuff. But then the fireworks started..and it started from there. He pushed me into the back seat and....raped me. I didn't realized what was happening. I screamed but he put his hand over my mouth, and I said "NO! NO!" But he didn't do anything. Nobody would of heard anyways...the fireworks were too loud. Then it ended and he carried me outta the car onto the grass and he walked back inside. I was just laying there, shaking. Staring up at the sky, not even at the fireworks. What. Just. Happened. I got up and went back inside. I don't know his name, but he was 22 years old. And he has a pregnant girlfriend. She was there. I stumbled to find my dad, and he said he was looking for me and that we were leaving now. I was sobering up a bit now, that guy pretty much did it all. The whole car ride home I was shaking, and I mean shaking. Teeth trembling, I was like an earthquake. I wasn't cold...just in a coma state. I got home and I went straight to bad, I woke up the next day with a bad migraine and I didn't think of what happened the night before. Then two days ago it all came back to me. I've been literally crying ever since. And then I'm in some outpatient ED center. That's another story, but I'm just so scared. Pregnant? STDS?! Ohmygod.... ):
It hurt, it still kinda does, but it hurt soo bad. And I don't know what to do. I haven't had my period in about five months, but I just got it yesterday, does that mean anything!?!!??!? I don't knoww.
I'm never drinking again. Never ever I swear. I'm never being around guys like that, neverr ever again. I didn't tell anyone, I mean, if I do my mom will never let me go to my dad's again. And I was planning on moving in there, like soon. About this inpatient shit, I don't know. I have to go there with my mom and eat and shit. I refused to go today, I went in but ran out and then the cops came and I was forced into a hospital again. If I didn't agree to go back to the center for treatment, I'd have to go to another state and be hospitalized I just agreed to go back. I guess I have an appointment tomorrow at 330, my mom just said. FUCK. I don't wannntto do it. ): I have so much other shit going on right now. This weekend I was going to run away to my dads. I hate my mom, I hate her. Years I've put up with her shit but if I get the cops called on me for defending myself against her and having it be called domestic violence on my behalf, then fuck it. I hate her and I can't put up with another day here.

God, if you're up there, please just help me.'re all I've got now. No friends, barely any family, nothing.
I'm at my hardest point in life right now, my lowest low. And I need to get back up. Please God, just help me back up...please...and help me keep the tears in for just one day, please. ):


  1. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I know words cannot do anything at a time like this, but I just want you to know that I will be thinking of you. You can get through this, you are a strong wonderful and beautiful person. You are stronger than this, you are 1 million times better than that guy, he is nothing, absolutly nothing.
    I'm sorry I know you said you didn't want anyone to read this, but I can't bear any of my girls to be in pain. I wish I could help you.
    If you ever want to talk or anything (about this, or about anything else) you know where to find me.
    I love you

  2. Oh my god.
    I'm so incredibly sorry, that's beyond fucking awful, excuse my language but I'm really upset over this right now and it didn't even happen to ME-- I can't even imagine what you're going through right now.
    I hope you're coping okay <3 You're honestly so strong, I can't believe this happened to you. You didn't deserve this, no one does.
    I think you should tell someone though, anyone close to you. Don't keep too bottled up, although if you chose to you know we're always here to listen.

  3. Honestly the same thing happened to me when I was in the 6th grade. I was at a party with my older sister that she dragged me to. I still have not told anyone but if you want to talk, just message me on my blog. My email is on the page.
    xoxxox Ashleyyy