Sunday, August 21, 2011
I made a new blog, preferably to be more chill, more life-related. I'll comment on this with the link to it because I can't post it right now...(same email accounts or some problem..)
So I'm looking forward to seeing all you lovely people on my new blog. ♥
I feel like I have to do this because I'm growing into a new person, new sense of control for me. I want to let go of the past, mia, and just begin new.
Much looovee. ♥
Friday, August 19, 2011
Anyways, I just need to say thank you, everyone, for reading my blog, posting comments, etc. It really does mean a lot to me. :)
I also need to say that I read every one's blogs as well, and when I try to enter my comment something pops up and it doesn't let me post anything. So that's why you guys haven't been commented on by Megan!
Haha I talk in third person sometimes.
I didn't eat a thing today, new meds make me high, like legit. It's awesome but I look like shit. I don't know what it is but my face just looks all reddddish and gross. :(
Tonight I'm going to a party with some guyyss. I was so excited yesterday about it, but now that it's happening tonight, IN A FEW HOURS, I'm freaking out. Why?"
I have this problem all the time, I hate commitment. But don't get me wrong, I'll never, ever cheat on a guy. But I don't like being tied down to one right now. I'm sixteen, new school, new shrinking again body, new start! But I don't know how I got so side tracked in typing this like I said these meds make me weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
But yeeah. Colin, ex from 7th grade, 4+ years ago, is picking me up and we're going to 'spend the night together'
Ah dear, I love this boy and I was ready to party and just have a good time, but my feelings today are like, ugh wtf. I don't wanna go to this party anymore.
Okay I do, but like with my friends! HAPPPY PEOPLE! PREFERABLY GIRLS SO NOTHING BAD HAPPENS, ahem ahem sex whattt?
So yeah, that's it. school starts on the 29th? I don't know that monday or something. I'm gonna loose five pounds by then :)
115 here i come, again! And this time I won't get caught, and I won't tell a soul that I'm still doing this. Well except all of you lovely people, the only ones who understand. ♥
But thank you again, really. I love and appreciate every comment and like I said I wiish I could comment back! But I don't know how anymore hah.
So imma go try to wrestle this mane of hair on my head down because it's so humid here it went POOOF.
haha love you all, forrr reall ♥♥♥♥
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Hmm what else? Working at Wendy's - they cut back my hours to me working like once a week? Yeah, aha. They said I'm too slow on sandwiches and always mess up on cash register. Great, just what I need, to be stuck in this house all the time. I wish I could work every day for like eight hours. Hellz yeah, that would be good. But I'll look for another job., one preferably not in the fast food area haha. Of course, only I would fail at a fast food job, you know? Hahaha silly old me.
Well school starts in about two weeks. I'm not really scared at all nor am I dreading it. I'm excited to meet new people and do new things. This is what life is all about I guess and I'm more than willing to give it my all and go out there and have fun! I'm trying to get over mia and I think before I do that I have to re feed a little, showing myself that if I eat I have to keep it in me or not eat at all. But re feeding as in simply eating a salad or a banana, not a five course meal. If there's even such thing? But you get what I'm saying.
Last night for the first time I kept down a salad! Just lettuce, onion and broccoli, but also this time, I put dressing on it. But it was light, only 1g of fat which I'm still sulking about but I'm also proud of myself because I really did keep it down. :)
Although I feel like binging and purging right now. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Um here's the latest update of my leggos -
Feet together, my hand is simply holding my hoodie up, I know it looks awkward haha. But yeah, that's about it. Stay strong everyone. ♥
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Mia. Oh dear lord, where do I begin?
I will post a whole entry on this tomorrow, alright? Right now I am so aggitated and dogs are barking and my heads throbbing and I want to fucking eat (binge) then of course purge but fucking Pam is all like "oh hghdinfvioaesnfjlnfjkvnrn" and it's like fuckk you dumb fat ass lady let me fucking eat.
Sneaking out later tonight - if I feel better. :/
So um yeah I'm gonna go grab some food, fuck what they say, and Imma eat and then purge and then get ready for my night out.
Thanks lovelies. ♥♥♥♥
Tell me how you're all doing?
Saturday, August 6, 2011
I never would of thought that I'd come this far with ED. It's not fair, I want to live a normal life.. Yes normal. There can be such thing if you believe in it, and I believe in it. Normal to me would be; eating without worry, not over eating, not starving, not throwing up anything I eat, not having to lie to everyone in regards to food...there's more but you get the gist of what I'm saying.
Last night while making my binge foods, I burned my hand really bad. Like hot oil splashed up on me and it burned my entire right wrist, about three inches up and down it, and up to the knuckles on my thumb and fingers. TALK ABOUT PAINFUL? But I somehow still binged, still purged? Yeah, I held a bag of frozen brussels sprouts on me the whole time - it hurt my finger though when I was..yeah. You understand right? Good.
Nothing else really goin' down, I think. I don't know. If I remember anything I can always make another post haha. ;)
Thanks everyone for the comments and new followers. ♥
So happy you enjoy reading my like..life! Haha :)
Much love, forrrreal;
Every one of you guys are so so sosososoooo sooo SO appreciated and really make my day sometimes. Thank you so much for being the beautiful people you are. ♥
Friday, August 5, 2011
Did you know that emm was just for my intitials? My names Megan, and M is the first letter, but it's pronounced 'em'. I just used that.
Hah yeah. So I'm 120 with a T-shirt and sweats on. Didn't feel like stripping this morning to get on it. So I'm probably 118 again? Yay. Not really. Every time when I hear a new low number for me I'm happy, but then after a few days of being that new low number, it gets old, and I want to get lower. I'm not saying that anyone who is 118 or above is big. NO NO NO NO NONO NO NO!
Everyone here is beautiful, soooo beautiful. I wish ED didn't come into your lives and take over, but it happened and there's nothing I can do but lend my heart and support out to everyone. ♥
I'm here for anyone & everyone if they need anything. Someone to vent to, talk to, cry to, lean on, anything, I'm here. ♥♥♥ :))
Thursday, August 4, 2011
My sister is leaving now to go to work. I'm trying not to binge. I don't know how I'm going to make it through today. I'm not that hungry right now, but I know within the next minute I can do a 360 and change completely. Why am I like this? God knows, but he usually doesn't answer me right away. It's all good.
I'm supposed to hang out with Tanja tonight, good friend whom I just met this year (old school) but we just have so much in common, it's crazy. But she usually always ''can't'' make it for some reason or another, so I didn't really bother to ask my dad if I could have a friend over. Oh well, it is what it is.
It's not sunny at all lately so I can't lay out and tan! I thought I'd get black this summer, but nope; weather is against me I guess.
Do you ever just finish drinking coffee, which usually makes you feel full, then want to eat? Like I don't understand this at all! Why do I want to eat when I'm not even hungry? I know I'll be happy and satisfied in the moment and after I purge it all up, but I mean during and before the purge I'll regret it. But right now I won't? I don't know, I need mroe pills in me.
I'm going to go clean. Even though I just did yesterday! Haha things can never be too clean. ♥
Monday, August 1, 2011
Well it is now!
So just got back from my meeting with my therapist, Korrine. She's cool, like her a lot at first. Now since I came out about behaviors it's like what the fuck. I really can't stand her. She told me tonight that if I can't get my binging/purging under control on my own and with her help I will be put into residential. I almost died. Yeah, I think it's time to start bullshittin' my way through again, right Megan? RIGHT. Like for real, she made a copy of August's calender and told me to write how many behaviors each day, like tally them up, and fuck yeah I'm going to lie about it. Whatever yo, I'm done with eating disorder recovery. It's just not going to happen for me.
Other than that, I'm just chillen. Taking life day by day, each binge and purge by each binge and purge, often followed by another but ya'know. Hahah ;)
I'm really going to stop that. This girl JJ and I are fasting starting tomorrow, so I will definitely be posting about that. I'm not going to eat for a while. I know I won't because this time I've never felt so strongly on how I'm going to act.
I'm different now; I've changed. Believe me or not, I don't really care. All I'm going to do is prove everyone wrong. :)
I'm stronger than I've ever been before, and I'm on my way to complete happiness. ♥
So I am done. Fucking done. I'm not binging anymore. So what; I've said it before but I'll say nine times again -I am done!
Like forreal. I'm getting yelled at too much for 'pigging out' on everything. I ate half a gallon of ice cream yesterday - I didn't think it was that much nor did I think that anyone would of looked in it - but of course when I open the freezer this morning it was moved! So maybe they didn't look in it, but still. There's a pretty good chance and I'm probably going to hear it when they get home.
I don't want that anymore. :(
This morning I almost exploded my stomach - literally. I ate so much and kept eating no matter how full I got and my stomach was packed and hurting and I didn't stop. Then I got this piercing pain shooting in my stomach and I almost went numb, like it was that bad. So I went and purged. Then after a little bit of that of course I come back and binge more. But now it's all up and I took laxatives and I'm drinking coffee. Ugh.
Why do I have to go through all of this? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
-Hope everyone is doing ten times better than me. ♥
Friday, July 29, 2011
Food is binged up in my tummy.
How's ya'll ?
My dad doesn't give a shit. He's upset about the $$$ I'm costing him. I hear them talk at night. Why be two faced? I don't get it. Maybe I never will. Yeah, I never will.
Blogging is blogging
Like what the fuck am I talking about? I need a life. And a better job haha.
I think I'm just posting to post. Let everyone know I'm still alive possibly? SURE THANG HONEY.
I've lost my mind hehehe haw.
Okay fuck me, I'm being dumb. FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR GUYSS! -
Gottta get this shit UP.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
I really wish I never started. Fuck bulimia, I was just watching a documentary on eating disorders and they said it takes about seven to ten years to fully recover. No. I'm not wasting seven or ten years of my life trying to beat something that I want to keep. Fuck this shit yo, haha.
So I'm kinda crazy; I dug through the trash and got back my laxxxxies! Yeah, gross but they weren't like all disgusting or anything.
And when my dad came home yesterday, we talked for a while. It was weird. He cried. Yes he did, he cried. Agrown man, turning 49 this December cried! It is possible people for parents to cry! I found this out yesterday. It was so sad, he's just like "I just want you to get better, and I thought this would be less stressful for you to get away from your mom because she took everything out on you, and I just want you to get better" And he hugged me too. It made me cry as well, then again anything could, aha, but yeah. :(
Makes me want to actually try and beat this disease. For him. ♥
He also told me that he'd rather see me not eat at all than to eat and throw up.
I'll take him up on that, aha.
So yeah, my updates for noww. I get paid tomorrow! Probably some shitty amount like 60$ ? I got like 73 last time. I NEED MORE HOURS! Oh wow, deje vou haha I said that in the last post. But yeah I do need them and I'll go in tomorrow for my mulla $$$
Things I can buy; Hollister Hoodie (always been a HUGE want ♥) annnnd bigger gauges :) I currently have 7/16ths which are one size above 00. YEeeeeah buddy.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I just hate this. I hate being me. I hate waking up every morning, every single God damn morning, to look at myself in the mirror and see my fat everywhere. EVERYWHERE! No one understands; I'm always hungry, always wanting to lose weight, wanting to eat everything in sight one minute, then starve myself the next. No one gets it. Bulimia fucking sucks. Anything you eat, even if it's the most healthiest thing ever, I will throw it up. Or find something more to binge on and then get it up.
Enough of me complaining. /:
Those laxatives weren't cheap!
I want to eat something. I poured out a full bottle of gatorade last night so I have at least something for today! Hiding under my pillows, I know, gross right? But I'm this desperate to not get fucking fat. Why don't I work out more? I think I'm going to look into like energy mega boosting pills, so that'll help in the littlest way with my depression and down mood to bring me up!
Thank you guys for the compliments on my legs. I don't know the measurements, but I'll find like a string? Ha put it around my thigh, then lay it out and measure it on a ruler? I really have no idea how to do that shit, if I get an actual measure tape that would look so so so bad on my half if anyone found it. But I can fit in a size 0 Hollister jeans, if that helps? Hmm here's one more picture of my legs.
Ew you can see the scars from cutting on the right one. They're prolly tanner now and this is from last week so I'll measure and put a new picture of them up.
If any of you have a facebook/tumblr, forsure let me know. :)
Stay strong everyone. I'm certainly trying. I gotta work at three today, hopefully a manager is there so that I can ask for more hours, even though I can't do my job right and I always mess up, I NEED MORE HOURS!
Loveee youu all. ♥
Monday, July 11, 2011
Saturday; ate absolutely nothing.
Sunday; some baby carrots.
Today I so far have nothin' in me, except coffee & tea, and I kinda feel like eating. I was laying in bed this morning, well after I got up and made some tea, but I was thinking about eating some of the carrots because I was feeling hungry. Well I did not! And then I contemplated it more and knew that if I took one bite, it would turn into a binge. So I'm just going to fill up with coffee and it should keep me good for the day. At 2:30 I'm working 'til seven so I will definitely be okay for today. But as of tonight, after work, I really hope and pray to God that my dad & Pam don't wait to eat until I get here. Ugh.
So I love Horoscopes and things like that and this is mine for today;
You're very excited about all the possibilities in your life now that the fiery Sagittarius Moon is tempting you to push your limits even further. You could even believe that the signs are telling you to go ahead and do it all, even if you don't have enough energy to keep up with such an active schedule. Be smart and practice saying no, or you might spread yourself so thin that you end up exhausting yourself and having no fun at all.
Stomach is shrinking from no binging. ♥ Yay! I'll do more pictures some other day.
What else to say? Thank you again everyone who enjoys this blog as much as I do writing it. I know I've said this before but I'll say it again; this is going to be an every day thing for me. It really truly is. I have a tumblr and I LOVE the thinspo blogs on those. Mmmm ♥♥ Hahah
Alrighty, I'll talk to you guys later. Muuuchhh looovee ♥
Sunday, July 10, 2011
in the pathless woods,
There is a raptor
on the lonely shore,
There is society
where none intrudes
By the deep sea
And music in its roar
I love not man the less
But nature more. "
That whispers all day long,
“I feel that this is right for me,
I know that this is wrong.”
No teacher, preacher, parent, friend
or wise man can decide
What’s right for you— just listen to
The voice that speaks inside.
I love inspiration. Somethings just jump out of the computer screen into you. Like it's supposed to happen; like you happen to stumble across this picture or that quote, and it's like damn. This is relating so much to my life right now, it's as if it was meant to be. And it is. Yesterday I went to Love Fest. Yes, it's actually called that. Live bands and lots of art. Beautiful day for it too.my friend Josiah created it, asked the city to use the land to have it there and it went so perfectly. ♥
I didn't eat a single thing yesterday. Same with today, nothin' in me. I am still getting sick from the medicine they have me on, got prescribed more Friday. Last night at the fest., I took some chill pills for like the first time since early June? Not my preference but whatever works I'll do.
Oh yeah, I saw Tori there, with her boyfriend of course. I went up to her and gave her a big hug and just started crying and laughing; couldn't help myself. So happy to see her and she was happy to see me too. We talked and hung out most of the time, her boyfriend got so mad at her though, because of me. He hates me! So long story short, they got into a fight, he wanted her to choose between him or I and then threatened to break up with her, but in the end it turned out alright. I think.
Seth. Seth, Seth, Seth; this guy who's been talking to me for about a month now, met me at the Love Fest. He's alright, kinda cute, real skinny. Well we chilled afterwards on the elementary school playground. He's cute, made me smile. But then...
We were playing on the monkey bars, he could reach them by simply putting his arm up. I, however, could not! So I jumped and still missed so then he lifted me up to grab them. After I jumped down, he's like "Jeeze fatty, you weigh so much! You gotta lose some weight!"
I just stopped, and look at him. "That's not cool..."
He said he was kidding, 'totally kidding''. Says it's just the way he is; he always makes fat jokes to skinny people. Then he called me skinny mini and said I was sooo light. And I got over it in that moment. But him saying that to me, jokingly or not, is not cool. I wish I could tell him about my ed but we're not very close and it'd just be awkward..
So yeah, that's my story of the day. I'm going for a jog soon, get rid of these fat legs. It's almost 90(F) degrees here and the sun is out! I'll sweat a ton. SO next time he sees me I'll be definitely thinner. I mean, just yesterday morning I was texting one of my ana friends and I said I just feel so thinner from not eating in two days. And then that totally got shot down by this dumb ass guy. Like last year, lost ten pounds+ and this teacher makes a remark about me. I think it's titled worst day ever, or something like that, May or April of 2010. If you want to read it, that's fine by me.
Thank you everyone for your amazing words, like honestly, you guys keep me going when no one else can. Thank you so much. If I could appreciation into words, I would. But I I don't think words can describe how thankful I am for all of you. :)
Don't give up, I'm not. I'm not giving up. I'm staying strong. I'm not giving in. ♥
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
no more fooling around megan. no fucking more.
i'm 123, still. i'm fat as hell, i'm huge. i'm disgusting. i should work out even more. i shouldn't even look at food. food is fucking up my life. it really is disgusting, almost like me. so why mix disgusting and disgusting together?
no more. no more, no more, no more. if i don't lose three pounds by friday, i will pay the price.
i'm sorry skinny_legs. i'm sorry. i didn't realize just how much i am failing you. i said we'd get over mia together, and i'd be here for you. but i'm just a worthless piece of shit girl who doesn't have self control.
i will get self control, it's the only thing that's weightless that i'm allowing myself to gain.
i will not binge anymore. i won't. i know i've said it before but this time i fucking mean it. i mean it with everything i've got in me. every inch of fat on these bones will be shed. i want to be beautiful. self control is beautiful. i will starve.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My grandma is staying with my sister and I because my dad & his girlfrann are on vaca. They went shopping yesterday morning and came back with those new fudge dipped oreos, fig newtons, TWO tubs of ice cream, twizzlers, potato chips...and more. I resisted them the whole day, and I am so proud of myself! I went to see my mom at three, so I broke into some twizzlers. Not that bad, right? Well I had probably twenty of them. :( Then at her house I only ate some green beans, corn and onions. Went to my sister's friends house with her to pick them up because we were going to go watch fireworks and they all eat a lot. So of course, I was offered those mini candy bars...twix, milky way, three musketeers. My weakness = candy. I took some. I already ate a lot at my moms, like a bowl of veggies, and I was feeling full..so I turned it into a binge. Ate some of those oreo things when I came back to my dads. And then some pretzel m&m's. Neither were any good, I thought, but of course I still binged. But Nick, (sister's friend's brother) pretty cool guy. Except he's older, too old ha as he put it. But we talked the whole night, didn't really fit in with the others so we did our own thing. And boy, did we do it! ;) Hahaha not really, but you know. It was definitely there haha and he gave me his number so we were texting for a little bit last night, until I fell asleep dammit! He's all all like, oh I was hoping you'd text me! And all this cute shit haha but get this, I thought he was like 23 maybe at the highest age, but no, he's 29 ! Hahahaha ;)
He's cool and we're cool so it's all good. Nothing wrong with having a friend 13 years older than you right? Ahaha.
But yeah, that was my day yesterday. I weighed myself @ my moms and I was 123. :( ew ew ew and I'm soosososooo bloated today. not even on my period! fuck this. i didn't want to eat today but i already did, so im binging right after this and throwinggg it upp yo. Yeah yeah. I'm gonna go before my acids jump in. I need tips on fasting. Help help heeelpp, please!?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Read that far back if you'd like, but I will not even repeat what tomorrow means to me. And of course it's Seth's Birthday & my uncle's. HA
Anyways. Fuck that.
I'm done with you mia. You make me into a disgusting, fat, uncontrolled freak. I will not be eating all the food in this house anymore. I won't be throwing it up either! I will be starving and sweating this fat off my body. Damn, where's recovery when you need it?
If I have to go to Mentor High this coming year, you better believe I will be in tip top shape for these bitches. It's NOT going to be easy, Mentor girls are tough, skanky whores who will tear you down. I'm not letting that happen to me.
Wow, I sound like I totally different person. I sound mean. I sound strong. I sound like no one can mess with me. I kinda like it. It makes me feel strong. :) Woooo! Haha now, let's not get carried away Megsss. If you guys didn't already know my name is Megan, hah I talk in third person sometimes and call myself Meggggss. I don't like when other people call me Meg though, Meg sounds like a fat name. Maybe it's just because it's me & I'm fat. No offfense to any Megs out there! Only me.
Sweat. Hot FLASH. Withdrawal? Withdrawal. Ugh.
Okay. You know what. I'm going to go work out. :)
Stay strong loveys. ♥
Friday, July 1, 2011
Yup, my life is pretty damn sweet right now. I binged for dinner because I can't really skip it, but I purged everything. Even my acids. Tasted fucking nasty but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I want to starve. I need an ana buddy. Anyone, text, US living, around the age of sixteen?
SO please comment on this, get at me yo! PLEASE. Drinking tea right now, probably should throw it up too, although it is diet? Whatever. I'm going to work out like crazy tonight. I always say I will but I never do, well let me tell you, I am until I drop. Until I pass out. Drop dead. Maybe not that last one, but I'll come close to it. Haha where's the humor?
Jonathan hit me up this morning, really wants to hang out. We're just good friends, I miss him, he's like super cool and definitely worth your time. Adam and I are still talking. ♥ I haven't written him a letter in over a week. Maybe two weeks, I don't remember. Since last Friday I've been in withdrawal from this Neron tin? I don't know how to spell it and I don't feel like Google-ing it. But it's an anti-seizure medicine used for anxiety. Comes in 300 mg capsules, and I would take at least 5 in the morning with my coffee. Yes, all in one swallow. (5 x 300 = ...[5x3=15]... 1500 mg in me by noon. More in the evening I think, I don't remember. Ha. But yeah it helped me so much with my anxiety. Then Friday I had none. Thursday I took my last five, and Friday I was sick. Since then I was just as sick, and I couldn't really take it anymore, so this morning I downed 3 @ six this morning, then went back to sleep. Took at least four more throughout today. Maximum is supposed to be six, but I don't care. Dr. says 2300 mg (? i think ?) is the max. But who knows.
ANYWAYS back to Adam. Yeah he sasy 'ima do me' which means he is still going to use; wants to smoke weed & drink, no problem there but when he brought up Benzos. Um. :( I didn't know what to say. So I never sent any letter. He's probably dying. I'm determined to write an amazing one and have it mailed out NO later than Monday.
Yeah, so I'll get to that in a minute. Hope everyone enjoys my videos ♥.
Sorry there's so many, ha. I just have them in a playlist and when I hear a good song I can't help but see what it is. Love love love.
So yeah. That's about it for now. I'm a mess, I'm a wreck. Can someone please just help me out here a little? :(
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
So turns out I'm no drug addict, who would of guessed!? People need to worry about their own selves. I'm good.
So I totally felt like blogging and being all inspirational, but after reading some blogs I follow, I lost that feeling. I'm going to go back outside and lay in the gorgeous sun that's RARELY ever out anymore here in Ohio. Enjoy the little thigns in life & appreciate them. Seriously, I am done taking things for granted. Tomorrow, no the next two minutes, could change your life.
Just thought I'd throw that out there.
Hope everyone's well.
Love all, serve all and create no sorrow; unity.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
But this is me currently!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I wanna be young again.
Oh well. How am I doing? Alright! Not really, but you know. ;)
Haha no I'm pretty good;
Weekend consisted of sister's graduation party. Restricted first half, binged & purged the rest of the night. God, there was so much food there, you couldn't imagine.
Monday consisted of a huge binge/purge in the morning then an almost successful fast! Korrine (counselor) weighed me and said my weight went down A LOT. (score!) but I guess I shouldn't be showing the weight loss off just yet, she can put me in IP. But I came back to Pam's to find out that she was appalled by the amount of food gone. (binge from the morning) says we can't 'pig out' like that, etc. Really triggering but, did me well.
Then Tuesday, yesterday, I fasted 'til dinner. Have a salad. Later last night I just couldn't control myself and I binged. (Yes, purged too. Don't feel like writing that also because I find it pointless. Anything I binge on without a doubt comes up!) But yeah. Then this morning I had a little binge, little for me at least ahah. Drinking coffee now for the rest of the day. Gonna try not to binge again. I gotta empty the bottles out from last night, sitting in the closet..
So yeah, that's been my life. Jonathan & I started talking again! I messaged him, talking to him about rehab, now we're texting, hopefully hanging out soon. And Adam I'm writing to still, but in a notebook again. Should send the last letters today but I think it's too late. Ah well. I wish I could get another one from him today. ♥
I pretty much blog in the notebook to Adam so that's why I'm not on here much. Wish I was, but whatever. Hope everyone is well! I start my job tomorrow. I'm going to put up another progress picture to the right, so go look look look! :)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
You have a beautiful soul, a beautiful mind, and a beautiful heart.
The person you are on the inside only accentuates and intensifies your external beauty.
You are beautiful because you contain substance.
Because you are imperfect and have flaws, yet strive to do good for yourself and others despite them.
You are most beautiful when you are genuine; when you speak your truth.
Because when you tear down the walls and cast aside the facades, your inner beauty shines with a light strong enough to illuminate the most impenetrable darkness.
This is beauty.
And it is you.
Yes, that is you. People are so beautiful and they don't realize it sometimes. I hope everyone out there realizes it. ♥
I wish a boy would say that to me. I wish a boy would buy me chocolates & flowers & write me love notes. LOL
No but really, that would be so cute. I wouldn't exactly eat the chocolates, but you know, it's the thought that counts.
I wish Adam was out, tomorrow is one month. Does it really count if he's in jail though? Mm..
In the tenuous dance of life, we are all fragile flames.
We can so easily be blown out; our life force stripped from us within seconds.
Yet we can so easily burn bright and grow, illuminating not only our own darkness, but lighting the shadowy paths of others whom are lost.
Tend to the fire that lies within you.
Sorry it's not the best picture but that's what I have for now. Ew. Fat Fat FAT. FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Fucking disgusting. Sure I got the gap but there's still so much fat.
I'm getting aggitated and maybe it's because of all of the fat on me is growing and growing and I'll always be fat and ugly and disgusting.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Thanks lovely, now to keep that in mind for next time. ♥
Haha yes yes :)
Yes, it is like 'fuck off!' I hate this disease too, but keep your chin up because someday you'll be free. ♥
Coffee coffee coffee.
Don't you hate it when you can over hear your dad and his girlfriend talking about you? It's horrible, it truly is. But it makes me not want to eat at all.
Sorry about my last post. These medications are really messing with my head. I still took them this morning, and even an extra of both of them! Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll get sick.
I really don't know why I'm writing down the hour to the minute. Ha, just go along with it and tell me I'm not losing my mind! Haha no but,
Okay I am done with the time thing! Haha :)
I already have a migraine, it's probably from my medication. Time to take more to get rid of the migraine! Advil doesn't effect you that much, so it's all good. Today I have my job orientation! I don't know what to wear or anything, but Abby - the manager - said it doesn't really matter because all it's going to be is paperwork. But I'm going to look my best, despite what Ed has to say. Although I'm slaving for him this morning, I will hush him down to get myself ready for this job.
My hair is falling out again, just as badly as last summer too. You know what that means! You know what though? I know my dad & Pam know that I'm having behaviors. Everyone does. My sister, my mom, my counselors, everyone. But they're not doing anything about it. They don't know what to really do for me either, and I'm glad they are just staying out of it. Then again, maybe they don't know. Maybe all my fat just shows them how much I'm consuming or keeping down, how much I'm not working out. I want them to be concerned, I want them to make comments. It feeds Ed. Ha wow, that's ironic. We starve ourselves to feed Ed his satisfaction. It's so true.
Well I'm going to end this, & go work out. I will until I pass out. - This weekend is my sister's graduation party and I want people's jaw to drop as they see me. - I want it to be like last summer, I want to hear all the "Oh my goodness, she's so skinny!" & "She must live off of air!" & "Oh of course you make the skinniest girl carry the heaviest things." & "You can eat anything, if I could take a hundred pounds off of me to give to you I would!" & "EAT SOMETHING!" .
I want all of those words to fill up my head. I want everyone to make at least one comment. If I can get that, then I'm doing good. If I don't, then you better believe I'm bringing ana back strong. Oh hell yeah. ♥
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Thank you for he long comments! ♥ I very muchly so enjoy them! I hope you have a safe three weeks, my blog will always be here for you to read anytime! :)
Thanks dear, yes yes I kept it down I think. I binged & purged @ the party, damn food. But thanks for the support so much, it means a lot. :) & i've been drinking that!!! My dad buys it for me all the time, zero cal ♥ i'll go drink some right now actually haha. To be honest I keep the big bottles after I drink it all, hide it in the closet & use it to purge in. Nobody knows, and then just pour it in the toilet, flushh it, wash out bottle & reuse!
Sorry I had to get my method out there. How low is that? I don't know. I'm starting to think this disease is worse than what I know..
Thanks lovely, I had an okay time. I wanted to meet some new people, drink / socialize but my dad made us leave early. Basically I missed the real party because all the kids came later. Oh well. My sister's is this weekend so I'll have the whole night hehe. :) I hope you're doing well, I'm going to go to your blog & read read read! ♥
Tomorrow I'll hopefully have a friend over! Courtney! Haha she's cool, she's real.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Fuck the dumb shit, I'm livin' life right now, I'm doin' me. ♥
Theme song of my day. :)
Thank you Kes & Dani for the answers! I mean, I kinda had all of that in mind, but I didn't know I could just drop dead..
It scares me.
I just ate a salad. Not a real salad, just some lettuce, cucumber, & onion. Then I salted it. Haha I put salt on everything! I'm keeping this down. I'm going to a graduation party now.
I'll write more laterrr.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Well you're some fat, ugly piece of two faced shit. Seriously you are fat & two faced & ugly & shit. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
Okay, I post my facebook status as "I need fulfillment."
Cassie the fatass says in her's "Not to burst your bubble, but you wont find fullfillment within alohol and drugs. Kayy."
What the FUCK?
Here's the conversation;
Me; Excuse me, but I don't know what I've ever done to you for you to even be bitching about me? I don't find fulfillment with drugs etc. THANKS.
Cassie; I know you've never said anything to my face, but you have lied to me. And I don't see what else you find fulfillment in considering that's all you talk about...and it just pisses me off that you act like no ones ever there for you. THANKS. :)
Me; Wtf are you even talking about? Like you never offered me yours & your stolen dad's pills in math? Like you never asked to drink with me? Hahah. It's not all I talk about & how do I act like no one's ever here for me?
Cassie; Because you begged me for my dads pills. Did I give them to you? No. Because I actully care about you and I dont treat you like a dog feeding you pills. Tori and I think of you more highly then some of those shitheads ever will. And from t...he way you just ignore tor. Ugh its like rediculous. Were always trying to help you quit. LIKE you say you do but dont. and how you say you absolutely hate madison. HAHHAH okay. You act like no one understands or gives a damn when there just lkosing there pateince.
Me; No I never begged you to steal them, you had them in your hands when I begged for them. Hell, anyone offers I don't say no. I ignore Tori? We don't even talk. You care? How is caring posting this status about me? How is this even helping me...? It's degrading. Let all of facebook know why don't you. I wasn't even talking about drugs when I said I needed fulfillment. Cassie, I find fulfillment in food an you know that. I deal with that problem by pills & shit. What I was talking about was that I need to find fulfillment in something other than food. Not drugs, like really? What people don't understand is this fucking addiction to food & it's whats killing me. Pills numb it, but its still there. You guys don't get it, nobody does unless they have the same disease. People think they can help but it's me who needs to help myself.
Cassie; Thye thing that just makes me angry, is that tori was there for you, and you lied to me, about spreading a bigger lie to like 5 people. Im not even gonna get into it. Kay Megan, seriously Im just tired of it. Im sorry its killing you but yo...u should think before you say I need fullfillment. And all that shit. We all know Madison is bad for you. You need help. Thats not helping you. Get real help from a real friend or from a center. cuz we care. sorry if it feels like Im degrading you, but you are the one who just admited everything in a status.
Me; By saying I need fulfillment? What the fuck, I'm done. Madison is not bad for me, she's my friend, stop bringing her into this equation because she has nothing to do with anything! 5 people whaat? I don't even get what you're saying. Send me back to fucking rehab, you see where that got me? You see what I did after I got out in November? Like that helped.
I do need help though, thanks for pointing that out. But whatever, just fucking don't post shit about me & drugs because it's retarded & you don't even know what you were talking about. Just stopppppppppppppppppppppppppp. I'm done.
Cassie; Im just trying to tell you your never gonna help yourself by making it numb. And if you really know that,m Im suprised. THANKS.
deleted all my shit. not even going to waste my time replying.
i can call that fat bitch out in a second.
but i wont.
fuck her fuck her fuckkkk her.
Ever since I got ed I lost everyone in my life. My best friend, now this friend? Well ex so called friend. I don't get it. Fuck you disgusting eating disorder. Fuck it dood. I need a draaankkk & my pills. fuck it.
Sorry i just needed to vent. New post tomorrow or something. :(
A lot of the people I thought were friends, aren't.
I have a question that I'll ask after thanking you lovely comment-ers. ♥
Thank you so much for being here for me, I'm going to start checking my emails every day now to talk with you. ♥
I love you so much ♥ You've been in my prayers too since the first day at cced. I hope I can break this cycle, someday. I'm not ready to get help (again) I'm not ready to stop my behaviors. I can only change if I'm willing to do so, & as much as I hate this ed I'm not willing to let him go. I don't know, but I'll text you later dear.
You are so not lecturing! Thank you so much for the long paragraph, I absolutely adore when people put long messages to me. :) Do it again sometime, please? Haha but really, thanks for your words. My legs are fat fat fat, I'll post another picture update soon. My stomach, oh goodness. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But thank you again dear. ♥
Why is purging so dangerous? I mean, I've been told numerous times that it's effecting my heart, burning my esophogus / teeth / etc.
Some informing stuff, ha ;
I get blood tested to see if my electrolites are at the right level and if my potassium level is low that's bad. Potassium is like a main electrolite for your heart, and it's supposed to be around a 4.0. My potassium level was a 2.9 last summer. I was hospitalized, but that's a different story. Anyways if your potassium is too high (4.4 & up) or too low (3.8 & down) your heart goes out of rythym. That can cause cardiac arrest. Mine was a 2.9 for God knows how long, & I mean anything could of happened to me. I can still sometimes feel my heart beating crazy fast; then I get so light headed & dizzy I have to lay down or I will just fall down. But everytime I eat it goes super fast, like my poor stomach knows it's not going to digest any food, & I purge.
I don't know. That's just some information on heart problems & what not.
But is it really that serious? Maybe this is ed typing these words & not giving a shit.
I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't need food at all. I wish I didn't eat food at all! I wish I didn't have to waste so much of it, I'm basically flushing money down the toilet.
Sometimes I wish my dad & Pam would know I'm having behaviors. But other times I so friggin happy that they don't. I don't want to keep food in me, or even put it in me to begin with. I want to be thin & beautiful. Not fat. I don't like my size at all, everyone tells me I'm so skinny but why can't I tell myself that? Why can't I believe their words? WHY!? I wish I was as beautiful as Kate Emery.
She was my best friend until she moved to Florida last summer. She had ed since fifth grade! So skinny, so beautiful. Like she was drop dead gorgeous; blonde hair looooong, smooth, naturally straight hair; blue eyes, perfect complexion, amazing singing voice. She was perfection. Actually she is what kinda started me on mia. Oh yeah, now that I think about it, no doubt in the world that she was a huge trigger for me. But now she's recovered and healthy, from last I know. I miss her. We never talk anymore & it really gets me down but I try not to think about it. Mmm..
I need to empty my stomach now.
Much love to everyone. ♥
Thursday, June 9, 2011
I can't NOT taste it, & when I taste it I need to get filled up from it. Super filled, I'm searching for fulfillment but I don't seem to get it from anywhere but food.
My stomach blows up to the size of a beach ball after a binge, no joke, and then after ... it goes back to it's regular size but still. Hmmm
I wish I never started down this path. I wish I never did any of this.
I'm letting everyone down. I don't want to be a let down anymore.
I'm sorry Meggg (you know who you are♥) but right after texting you I went outside like I said. Then Pam, my dad's girlfriend says that she is going out. Okay cool, home alone! Not cool. I can't stop myself when no one's home.
I binged. I purged. I took pills. I binged again. I purged. Right now I'm freaking out because I know I didn't get all of this up, but I'm so tired of throwing up. I'm still home alone, causing my second binge. I'm sorry.
I need to lose this disgusting stomach of mine. For real. It's huge, I'm huge, my thighs are huger. God please fuuuhhhh hahaha almost swore there! But no, God please help me. Just help me. I don't know what to ask to help me with, but just help me.
F you Ryan.
-He's this kid I hooked up with weeks ago-
He says all this bs to me & vulnerable fat old me gives in. Whatever, I hate him. I hate him, I hate him, I hate him. Never felt this way before towards someone, but he used me and I am done with that bs.
Yes I know I betrayed Adam, but it was the night I found out he's back in jail & gave them all a really hard time & I thought he wouldn't change so I'm like screw this. I was drunk too, that just makes everything better!
Not really, but you know.
Actually alcohol = looooovee ♥
But my parents are both alcoholics, way to follow down that path!
Alright, well excuse me while I go vomit my insides up because my stomach is feeling fat & I need to empty it more.
Thanks everyone, 50 followers now! Yaay. :)
Thank you all so much. ♥
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Thank you! :) It's really is a sum total of us. We control what we do, say; how we walk, respond; what we say; and the list goes on. Never feel like you can't do what you want to do, you have to start from knowing that you can please everyone. It's an acceptance matter that takes time & I know you can reach it. Just stay strong. ♥
So March 12, 2012 is the day I'm looking forward to. Adam is released from jail then. Will I wait for him? Of course. Will I wait forever? I don't know.
I'm writing him a letter right now. I'm debating on whether or not to send him all the letters I've been writing to him or to still keep them and send a few. I want to start sending them again everyday to keep him a little sane, ha, but I don't have the stamps or envelopes to do so. Hell, I don't even have the money. But if there's a will, there's a way. Yes? I still have my faith in him and he even said he'll change. He says that this is no way to live and I couldn't be happier to hear those words come from him.
Now for me to say those words about ana. I don't think I can, yet. I don't know what it will take for me to say it either, I just hope and pray to God that I'm not sitting in rehab when I finally do say it.
Hmm I don't know.
Huge binge this morning.
Then I ate raisins, strawberries, grapes & one banana. Kept it in. As long as the food doesn't have fat in it, I think I'll keep in down. Calories on the other hand, it cann't be above 200. Even 150 is my limit. :(
I'm so limited enough in life, now my food is too. But it's worth it in the end, I won't be some fat ass blob. Fuck that.
I say fuck too much. I'll stop.
My dad just asked me to set the table for dinner. What to do, oh what to do.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Thank you! I just speak my mind & I'm happy I can inspire you. :)
@ CAliChica ;
Yes! Ana = Perfection. I want to be thin & light & not taste a thing. Of course after I binge/purge on the last jar of peanut butter in the pantry, my dad's girlfriend buys some more. :( Thank you though, I'll try & stay strong the best I can. I can have self control. ♥
@ Dani ;
Thank you :) I hope you are doing well! ♥
My therapist and doctors noticed my weight dropping & now they get to keep a close eye on me! Oh dear. I mean, come on now, I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy, I don't give a flying fuck what doctors & others think about me, (the word me includes my weight).
People just always have to get involved with things they have no right knowing! I don't ask for my therapist's weight, nor
my doctors, so what should mine matter? :(
Sometimes I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. Now that school's finally out, I'm free from all their faces. I look at the teachers and wonder why they’re here. If they like their jobs, or us, & I wonder how smart they were when they were sixteen. Not in a mean way, in a curious way. It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes & a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking, & wondering why.
Life is really broken down into wondering. I wonder why people have to care whether or not I'm eating. What does it matter, my food intake does not effect your life! in fact it saves you money! Yeah dad, stop talking about all the fucking money you have to spend on groceries for us. Maybe that would make me feel a little less guilty.
I think I should speak up. I mean, sometimes we shouldn’t be a coward. We should hold up our courage and put aside our pride to say those things we wish to, to certain people. It doesn’t take your life away to apologize, it doesn’t kill you just to confess to the one you love. All we need is bravery. And who knows, before you could even realize, there would’t be a second chance for you to say what you have been bottling up anymore.
Trying to become a good or a better human being sounds like a commendable and high-minded thing to do, yet it is an endeavor you cannot ultimately succeed in unless there is a shift in consciousness. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. I do not think badly of others when they treat me unkindly. Rather, I feel gratitude towards them for giving me the opportunity to train myself to handle adversity.
We’re all on a search, each and every one of us. We’re all looking for something. You see a lot of people who get messed up in certain situations that we would think are bad situations they need to be rescued from, but in reality they’re looking for the same thing everybody’s looking for. Nobody wants to be hungry. Nobody wants to be fat. Everybody wants a purpose for why they’re alive. Everybody wants to be happy. Why can't we just be happy?
Someday I'll find the answers to all my questions. Someday could be any day I choose. Hell, it could even be today. But I am not strong enough yet to let go of everything I already believe in and replace it with new things to learn. That's my faulty in life, in everyday living, thinking & breathing. I believe I can't let go, but I willl learn how to.
Stay strong everyone, ♥
Sunday, June 5, 2011
It's my worst enemy.
I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
But I'm so in love with it.
I can't be at peace in this house until the jar is gone, and I think it might just be devoured. Fuck my eating disorder. :(
I waste so much food, so much time on this. I hate it. I want to spend my time doing more happier, positive things. I want to be making something of myself, not eating myself to death. I want to be productive!
Fuck you Ed. I love you but I don't think bulimia is the way to be anymore.
I've said this a thousand times and never changed, but this time I mean it when I say that this is my last binge. Honestly. I cannot continue living like this. I love being a size 0 in Hollister Jeans ♥ but bulimia will not control me anymore.
I'll use it when I absolutely have to; family criteria. But there is no other exception of me eating. Nope.
Hello Ana, open this world up for me. I want to leave the vomiting behind, and let the starvation begin.
I remember..two years ago when I was Ana. -Two years ago. Wow, Ed and I have have a more serious relationship than I thought. Then again I don't remember life before Ed and I sure as hell can't imagine it without Ed. They tried to strip him off me, but fuck them. No matter how many rehabs / therapists I see, I can get around them. I really can. Now that I'm smarter. - Anyways!
Yes, two years ago. I would go without food forever and I love that feeling. Constant exercise, dizziness, feeling light & feeling free. One day I'll come back to that, when I gain self control. When I can stop eating all the food in the house, when I don't have to be some fat ass pig & eat & eat & eat. One day I'll find my inner self, my true, pure, peaceful being underneath all this mess.
I'm feeling inspired;
I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on? … I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am sixteen and I am already exhausted.
"It's not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."
Wow. This video seriously just changed my life -
It's true. Why the fuck do we feel the absolute need to fit in? I started doing my own thing a while ago, sayin' fuck the haters! But now it's just as if I have that backbone there to support me even more.
Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast; you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.
I don’t know what happened. How we all became so fragile, so incredibly breakable. I don’t know why my tears can fall so easily; yet every singe one feels like I’m failing at this facade of being happy, ‘fine’, and alive. I don’t understand how missing someone can quietly kill you & how an unrequited love, just robs you of this sense of hope we all should have. I can’t comprehend how everyone thinks I’m so strong, and brave, when all I feel is weak and scared. I don’t know when this happened, when life became like this. Because looking back, it’s always been this way.
Meeting you felt like coming home. You made me better, you made me happy. It would be my greatest honor if I could spend the rest of forever making it up to you.
"Until we lose ourselves there can be no hope of finding ourselves. We are of the world, and to enter fully into the world we must first lose ourselves in it."
I have no advice for anybody; except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time, and how that is beautiful, and has poetry inside. Even places you hate.
"No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now."
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside; remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.
-When I saw my mother on Thursday, she said I have something inside of me that's eating me up. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I laughed. For just the day before I said the same exact words.
Today, all I did was curl up in bed with your smile and the sound of your voice when you laugh, and it was the best day I’ve had all week.
I miss Adam so much. I love him, I really do. Sure he's in jail but there is something there that I've never felt before. God, please watch over my baby and make sure he is always in good hands; your hands. Please help him make better choices and invite him in. Please God, he's all that I got now. ♥
I'm falling back in love with blogging again. Thanks everyone out there, after tomorrow I should have more time to read all of your blogs. Take care lovelies. :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Those were two separate blogs I just read and they really inspired me. ♥
I just thought putting them together in one sentence would be cool.
Yeah, fuck you Colin Gower. I fell asleep last night on you, or I should say passed out cold, and we didn't do any picture exchange - So he texts me tonight, 8:54 pm, "Want to do the pic thing now" . Um yeah no! Seriously fuck guys. I'm gonna become a lesbian. Not really, but guys nowadays can really push us girls to that point! (Nothing at all against gays, much love and support!). Well today I woke up to an early morning BINGE! Fuck that. Then after my sister's graduation we have to go to Olive Garden. Oh well, binged off that place. And of course it's all floating away in the sewage systems somewhere. That's sad how much money I waste on food, how much food I waste on this body of nothing, how all the poor children in Africa could be eating but instead I'm letting them starve. :(
I don't want to think that far anymore. I'm sorry.
Hopefully Madison can come pick me up later. Hell yeah I'm sneaking out!
I'm trying to be straightedge. Hahaha no seriously. I want to be, but then as soon as someone offers I'm not going to say no! I'm too easily influenced, vulnerable, inpatient. I don't want to be any of those words anymore.
I saw my mom again today. Every time I see her I get in this complete angry / agitated feeling. I'm so irritable! That's the word. Every single thing she says I get tense at and mad. I don't know why.
Well the parentals are back. I think I won't pretend to go to sleep or anything and totally not wait for Madison. Ha
I'm going to write tomorrow. Thank you guys for commenting, it makes me happy to know someone out there is reading my thoughts and actually caring enough. ♥ Thank youus :)
Friday, June 3, 2011
No but I guess when I came inside, I threw up everywhere..yeah long story haha but that's pretty much what's been going on.
Fuck, never drink and take muscle relaxers. Especially on a day of your finals. Whatever, passed out at noon, woke up by seven ha. :) We started drinking at seven in the morning! Me and Madison. She's all I got right now since Tori is gone. I'm kinda glad we have some space, but it's like I'm so alone. Ed hasn't been at all nice to me lately. I just drank two cups of tea so hopefully that will drown her out for a while.
I met with my mom yesterday, supervised visit. Pretty lame, she made me cry and shit. Yet I want to go back there? I don't know why. She hurts me so much but I love her so much, that's not right!
Don't you hate after purging how you're so thirsty sometimes? These are one of those times.
My mom said that there's something inside me eating me up. I laughed.
If only she knew how bad Ed is, how I completely bullshitted my way around everyone. But I miss CCED (Ed rehab) and I want to go back. Maybe it's just because of all the loving people there. Clair & Britt ♥ . All of the other girls with Ed. I can relate so much, I like feel at home. They see me cry & watch me grow. It's peaceful there, for the most part.
I need to find my inner peace. And until I do so, I'll probably fast. I have sand in my ear hahah, Madison & I were rolling in the volleyball sand court this morning, I think :)
Well. I'm super tired. Sorry Colin but I will not be sending you pictures tonight, even though you are and probably always be my first love who is a complete douche. Last April - what he said to me will always be with me
"I'll shove my fingers down my throat then"
Fine, I don't care
And you still seem to never care. All you want is to hook up with me & then push me back down. You're not tying me down this time boy, I'm free.
Adam wrote me a letter; court on june 1 apparently didn't go well. I don't know how long he's in for, but I'll find out in the next letter. I love that boy, but I don't think I can have a relationship with him. He's in jail, that's not a very good future. Sure I'll help him and I will, I'm not going to just leave. But until he can be sober and stable, then I'll be with him. It breaks my heart to say that but I mean, I'm growing up & I can't wait forever.
I need more tea. & SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
Hope everyone is well. ♥
Sunday, May 29, 2011
I lost my best friend. Not lost as in deceased, but I told some people her biggest secret. I know, I stabbed her in the back. Why did I do it? I don't know. We've been best friends for nine years now. We tell each other everything, and I went and told someone stuff. (I told one of our other friends, the secret was she lost her virginity to her boyfriend.) It's not a big deal to me, if you've read my July posts from last year...yeah. And I just hooked up with some Ryan guy who lives by my dad. I wish I didn't, but I guess you live and learn. Sorry I'm getting side tracked! Ha. No but, this was a big big big deal to her, Tori. I love her with all of my heart and she's been there for me through absolutely everything. And I do this to her? I can't explain how sorry I am, and how much I am upset with myself about it. It was like, a one time thing, you start ranting to a friend about something and it all pours out. :(
Well she hasn't talked to me in a week now, over a week actually. I'm a lost puppy without her. Honestly, she's my other half and I fucked it up. Way to go me.
So I've been out looking for new people, and actually I've found some people who actually have a lot in common with me. So maybe this break is a good thing? Time will tell.
I'm a hypocrite. I'm a liar. I did my best friend wrong. I'm told so many times that I hurt the people I love the most in my life. It's true, but I don't want to be told that anymore, I don't want to live that way. It's horrible, it's really really horrible.
I'm sorry, I needed to vent and I've got no one...so yeah. :(
This eating disorder really fucks up a lot of my relationships, but I can't blame everything on my ed.
I went outside tonight, it's like almost 80 degrees, just rained but now it's drying up. I laying in my dad's drive way and just stared up at the stars and clouds. Everything just looked so different. I've never seen the world how I did tonight, and it really is changing me. It was so peaceful laying there, breathing, smelling the sweet air. Air really does smell sweet, haha. But it was just awesome; inspired me to blog tonight and I'm going to go write later. Then blog again tomorrow morning. :)
I am 119! Says the bad scale in the garage, but I believe it. Everywhere I go, everyone I see comments on how skinny I am. Why can't I see it? :( It's not fair, but nothing in life is fair. I deserve this because of all the shit I've done in my life. Especially to Tori. I messaged her on facebook today and she replied, it was nice. But she can't find herself to talk to me, so it's going to take a lot more time. School's out in five days and then I'll be stuck out here in Mentor for the summer. Atleast until July 1 if my mom can win me back. ♥ Please dear lord, let me go back to her. I know all of the things she's done to me, but I forgive her and I love her and I miss her. . .
Enough with my personal issues. What I've learned from all this though, is never take anything for granted, and you really don't know how much you have until it's gone. It's the truth. I lost my mom, my best friend now too? The judge I went to see last Monday, got hit by a car that night by riding his bike on a road. Died. And I just saw him hours earlier. Wow. :(
Life can take someone right out of your life in a second, so appreciate everyone and everything you have, because you really don't know if there will be a tomorrow to do so. I'm learning to take more risks, but also think before I do things. I'm impulsive and I'm trying to stop myself from being that as well as impatient.
Oh goodness that's a lot for tonight!! Hahah sorry, but thank you everyone. ♥
Friday, May 20, 2011
He means a lot to me. He's back in jail though; overdosed :(
Probably gone for a while. I wrote him this three page letter; debating on whether or not I should send it. It's deep, and just talks about my feelings for him and just how important he is to me and how I wish he could stay sober. I let three friends read it and they all said it was so good. They said I'm a good writer and should write a book, lol.
Hmm what else. Tomorrow night I'm getting drunk as fuck with my niggga bitchh :) Hahah Madison, we got expelled from school together and now are such good friends. Did 2400 mg of shit with her today - feelin' good!
I hate doctors. They think they know everything, but they really don't. Oh well, what can I do?
Nothing! Haha yeah.
I'm not in a blogging mood, so I'll cut this one short as well.
Stay strong lovelies. ♥
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I just gotta say no to food. Sounds easy, right? I think I can actually do it today though. I just feel positive about it today. :)
Hopefully I can stay strong.
I'll write later, I'm not feelin' it right now.
Byee for now. ♥
Friday, May 13, 2011
School wore me out today and I didn't even really do anything?
Whatever, at least I restricted pretty damn well; only two bananas! Haha if that really even counts as restricting, I don't know. But that's all I'm going to have today, maybe a nice cup of tea soon to hold me over? If I fail restricting then I'll have a binge and purge. Oh well, it is what it is.
I'm kinda pissed at blogger for being down yesterday, does anyone agree with me?! Hah, I like actually wanted to write and shit and it says that they are down - wtf! Today I'll write everything though.
My stomach is screaming for food. :( I might give in...
Anyways, Adam gets out on Monday. I know, I said that with no enthusiasm whatsoever. One month ago, to this very day (April 13) I was head over heals for the guy. We've been writing letters back and forth and it just made my heart smile. Now, I don't want a relationship with him. I don't, and I think I really shouldn't get involved too much with him. I'm already in deep because he thinks he'll use me and have me when he gets out. I don't know though, I mean my eyes have really opened up and I see so so so so many more options out there. There's this one cute & smart boy in training and conditioning with me; I feel a little crush coming on. I'd like to pursue him a bit more and get to know him and what not before I throw myself at him. Not literally but as in like, drop everyone I'm talking to and go for him. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Well who knows. I actually like beign singe too, it makes me feel free. I just want someone there for me; someone I can hang out with all the time to distract me from this ED and someone who'll compliment me and just make me feel good without having to kiss him or do sexual shit with him. I don't want that right now, I'm really not ready. No guy seems to respect that, but I'm not letting my gard down. When I say that, I mean it. I'm not letting what happened in July happen all over again.
Tears are coming. Ugh.
Enough with all that.
I'm gonna' go. Sleep sounds nice right now. Hope everyone is doing well, stay strong. ♥
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Adam gets out on Monday? Mmmm :)
I'm so excited! I miss him terribly; I haven't seen him since the day I skipped school and visited him in the hospital, back in March! It's been too long.
I miss my mom. I miss my home. I miss the town I used to live in.
Have I wrote about what happened on here?
Basically in a few short sentences; mom's an alcoholic & lost custody of me & I can only see her in a room with people and cameras watching & I love her & I miss her & she kicked me out March 17th & I live with my dad now & July 1 is when the parentals go back to court and she could get custody of me again & I don't like my dad & I miss my mom.
Yup yup. It was hard though, like she would be a completely different person when she drank. She'd hit me, pull my hair, push me into walls. I've had so may bruises and shit all over me from her. I think I said something about that in my older posts. I hated her, I really did. I hated living with her and everything. But I think I acted too strongly on this, by telling someone about her problem. I regret telling JFS about her but I mean I couldn't take it anymore. She was breaking me and killing herself. I just wish it didn't go this far..
Everything happens for a reason; that's all I believe in anymore.
I wish I had someone there, you know? I search for that mother figure all the time, someone who won't constantly put me down or abuse me not only physically but emotionally as well. It took me many years before I accepted the fact that she was abusive. All my friends kept telling me repeatedly...I denied it and defended her. She's my mom, I mean, anyone would..but then I couldn't take it anymore and she made me feel lower than low in life. I'm done.
But I forgive her. It's not her fault. I just miss her. :(
I miss Adam and Josie (my kitten) - at my mom's - and the house I grew up in and the grass and the country and the birds singing and the smell of the morning coffee in that house. Never take things for granted, I have and you'll never realize how much you have until it's gone. And she's gone..
She says that it isn't a mother's job to pick me up / drop me off places I needed to go. I though it was, but I was wrong. I treated my mom like shit, now that I look back on it all. I wish I could of been better, but I can't say that because it's done and over with and in the past.
Restricted today but binged and purged once. Feelin' like doing it again but I won't. It's times like these where I could really use a person to support me.
I think this is enough blogging for a day. If any of you guys have a facebook, I would be more than glad to be friends on that, message back and forth? :)
I have to pee, just thought I'd share that haha. Goodnight everyone and stay strong. ♥
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
But yeah, counseling didn't go so well. I had to do another random drug test (pee in a cup & have the lady watch you as you pee) yes, awkward, but I couldn't pee. I couldn't pee. I had no pee in me to pee out. What the fuck. So it looks bad on me - that I didn't do the test two times in a row and May 23 is my court date. Like for real, blood test me / hair / mouth / whatever (!) just drug test me and I will be clean. I haven't done shit in about two weeks so I should be good, well no, I am clean and will test negative for everything! Dumb people.
Today a lot of shit went down at school. Fuck you Torr: you've been my best friend since second grade, and all you've done is be a two faced little lying bitch, thanks for fucking me over.
Sorry, had to get that out.
I feel so content right now. So at peace; not angry, just so happy. I want to make something big out of this little life I have and I'm going to start tonight.
William Fitzsimmons = ♥♥♥ ♥ !
His music is beautiful, it makes me happy.
And so is ED.
Things are lookin' up.