Loosing

@ ivy ;
Thank you! I just speak my mind & I'm happy I can inspire you. :)

@ CAliChica ;
Yes! Ana = Perfection. I want to be thin & light & not taste a thing. Of course after I binge/purge on the last jar of peanut butter in the pantry, my dad's girlfriend buys some more. :( Thank you though, I'll try & stay strong the best I can. I can have self control. ♥

@ Dani ;
Thank you :) I hope you are doing well! ♥


My therapist and doctors noticed my weight dropping & now they get to keep a close eye on me! Oh dear. I mean, come on now, I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy, I don't give a flying fuck what doctors & others think about me, (the word me includes my weight).
People just always have to get involved with things they have no right knowing! I don't ask for my therapist's weight, nor
my doctors, so what should mine matter? :(

Sometimes I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. Now that school's finally out, I'm free from all their faces. I look at the teachers and wonder why they’re here. If they like their jobs, or us, & I wonder how smart they were when they were sixteen. Not in a mean way, in a curious way. It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes & a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking, & wondering why.
Life is really broken down into wondering. I wonder why people have to care whether or not I'm eating. What does it matter, my food intake does not effect your life! in fact it saves you money! Yeah dad, stop talking about all the fucking money you have to spend on groceries for us. Maybe that would make me feel a little less guilty.

I think I should speak up. I mean, sometimes we shouldn’t be a coward. We should hold up our courage and put aside our pride to say those things we wish to, to certain people. It doesn’t take your life away to apologize, it doesn’t kill you just to confess to the one you love. All we need is bravery. And who knows, before you could even realize, there would’t be a second chance for you to say what you have been bottling up anymore.

Trying to become a good or a better human being sounds like a commendable and high-minded thing to do, yet it is an endeavor you cannot ultimately succeed in unless there is a shift in consciousness. You do not become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that is already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge. I do not think badly of others when they treat me unkindly. Rather, I feel gratitude towards them for giving me the opportunity to train myself to handle adversity.

We’re all on a search, each and every one of us. We’re all looking for something. You see a lot of people who get messed up in certain situations that we would think are bad situations they need to be rescued from, but in reality they’re looking for the same thing everybody’s looking for. Nobody wants to be hungry. Nobody wants to be fat. Everybody wants a purpose for why they’re alive. Everybody wants to be happy. Why can't we just be happy?
Someday I'll find the answers to all my questions. Someday could be any day I choose. Hell, it could even be today. But I am not strong enough yet to let go of everything I already believe in and replace it with new things to learn. That's my faulty in life, in everyday living, thinking & breathing. I believe I can't let go, but I willl learn how to.
Stay strong everyone, ♥