Friday, June 10, 2011

in the middle

of a b-b-b-binge.
I have a question that I'll ask after thanking you lovely comment-ers. ♥

@ Dani;
Thank you so much for being here for me, I'm going to start checking my emails every day now to talk with you. ♥

@ Emmeepee;
I love you so much ♥ You've been in my prayers too since the first day at cced. I hope I can break this cycle, someday. I'm not ready to get help (again) I'm not ready to stop my behaviors. I can only change if I'm willing to do so, & as much as I hate this ed I'm not willing to let him go. I don't know, but I'll text you later dear.

@ americaneagle;
You are so not lecturing! Thank you so much for the long paragraph, I absolutely adore when people put long messages to me. :) Do it again sometime, please? Haha but really, thanks for your words. My legs are fat fat fat, I'll post another picture update soon. My stomach, oh goodness. I don't even want to talk about it anymore. But thank you again dear. ♥

Why is purging so dangerous? I mean, I've been told numerous times that it's effecting my heart, burning my esophogus / teeth / etc.

Some informing stuff, ha ;
I get blood tested to see if my electrolites are at the right level and if my potassium level is low that's bad. Potassium is like a main electrolite for your heart, and it's supposed to be around a 4.0. My potassium level was a 2.9 last summer. I was hospitalized, but that's a different story. Anyways if your potassium is too high (4.4 & up) or too low (3.8 & down) your heart goes out of rythym. That can cause cardiac arrest. Mine was a 2.9 for God knows how long, & I mean anything could of happened to me. I can still sometimes feel my heart beating crazy fast; then I get so light headed & dizzy I have to lay down or I will just fall down. But everytime I eat it goes super fast, like my poor stomach knows it's not going to digest any food, & I purge.
I don't know. That's just some information on heart problems & what not.

But is it really that serious? Maybe this is ed typing these words & not giving a shit.
Who knows.

I wish I had self control. I wish I didn't need food at all. I wish I didn't eat food at all! I wish I didn't have to waste so much of it, I'm basically flushing money down the toilet.
Sometimes I wish my dad & Pam would know I'm having behaviors. But other times I so friggin happy that they don't. I don't want to keep food in me, or even put it in me to begin with. I want to be thin & beautiful. Not fat. I don't like my size at all, everyone tells me I'm so skinny but why can't I tell myself that? Why can't I believe their words? WHY!? I wish I was as beautiful as Kate Emery.
She was my best friend until she moved to Florida last summer. She had ed since fifth grade! So skinny, so beautiful. Like she was drop dead gorgeous; blonde hair looooong, smooth, naturally straight hair; blue eyes, perfect complexion, amazing singing voice. She was perfection. Actually she is what kinda started me on mia. Oh yeah, now that I think about it, no doubt in the world that she was a huge trigger for me. But now she's recovered and healthy, from last I know. I miss her. We never talk anymore & it really gets me down but I try not to think about it. Mmm..

I need to empty my stomach now.
Much love to everyone. ♥


  1. Death from binging/purging is quite rare. It is possible for a person's stomach to rupture while binging (although I don't know how a person could force that much food into their stomach to being with) and cause death. And then purging can cause death by cardiac arrest. And if a person pukes blood, that would mean there is some type of internal bleeding. That could mean ulcers or the acid has worn away the lining of the esophagus or some other organ. Internal bleeding can lead to death. It would be a slower death though because it takes a while to bleed to death. And it also means a person is more open to infections and infections can lead to death. As for the teeth, the enamel will wear away and teeth will become more sensitive and get cavities and rot easier. Although a person could just get dentures. But who wants dentures at say 25? Although it is possible to minimize the damage to the teeth by using a mouth wash to neutralize the acid. Baking soda dissolved in water will neutralize the acid. Dissolve as much baking soda as possible in boiling water and then let it cool and keep it in a jar or whatever and use it as a mouth wash after you purge. Basically don't eat to the point of your stomach rupturing and if you see blood, quit purging. And you should try to keep you electrolytes balanced. Use mouthwash but wait at least an hour to brush your teeth.

  2. u can pretty much die from nething
    my heart is all messed up too but the docs ignore it cause my potassium is normal at 4 mine is alasy racing andmy chest is alwasy hurting but sicn emy numbers are fine they dont do nething bout it
    im sorry that ur having a rough time and im sorry that ur questions tihngs i do that all the tiem just aly there and let my wind wonder wonder or everything and just think i know that doesnt make sense but u know what im trying to say right