Sunday, June 5, 2011

Start all over again

Peanut Butter.
It's my worst enemy.
I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.
But I'm so in love with it.
I can't be at peace in this house until the jar is gone, and I think it might just be devoured. Fuck my eating disorder. :(
I waste so much food, so much time on this. I hate it. I want to spend my time doing more happier, positive things. I want to be making something of myself, not eating myself to death. I want to be productive!
Fuck you Ed. I love you but I don't think bulimia is the way to be anymore.
I've said this a thousand times and never changed, but this time I mean it when I say that this is my last binge. Honestly. I cannot continue living like this. I love being a size 0 in Hollister Jeans ♥ but bulimia will not control me anymore.
I'll use it when I absolutely have to; family criteria. But there is no other exception of me eating. Nope.
Hello Ana, open this world up for me. I want to leave the vomiting behind, and let the starvation begin.
I remember..two years ago when I was Ana. -Two years ago. Wow, Ed and I have have a more serious relationship than I thought. Then again I don't remember life before Ed and I sure as hell can't imagine it without Ed. They tried to strip him off me, but fuck them. No matter how many rehabs / therapists I see, I can get around them. I really can. Now that I'm smarter. - Anyways!
Yes, two years ago. I would go without food forever and I love that feeling. Constant exercise, dizziness, feeling light & feeling free. One day I'll come back to that, when I gain self control. When I can stop eating all the food in the house, when I don't have to be some fat ass pig & eat & eat & eat. One day I'll find my inner self, my true, pure, peaceful being underneath all this mess.

I'm feeling inspired;

I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on? … I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don’t want any more vicissitudes, I don’t want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired. I am sixteen and I am already exhausted.

"It's not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."

Wow. This video seriously just changed my life -

It's true. Why the fuck do we feel the absolute need to fit in? I started doing my own thing a while ago, sayin' fuck the haters! But now it's just as if I have that backbone there to support me even more.

Slow down and enjoy life. It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast; you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.

I don’t know what happened. How we all became so fragile, so incredibly breakable. I don’t know why my tears can fall so easily; yet every singe one feels like I’m failing at this facade of being happy, ‘fine’, and alive. I don’t understand how missing someone can quietly kill you & how an unrequited love, just robs you of this sense of hope we all should have. I can’t comprehend how everyone thinks I’m so strong, and brave, when all I feel is weak and scared. I don’t know when this happened, when life became like this. Because looking back, it’s always been this way.

Meeting you felt like coming home. You made me better, you made me happy. It would be my greatest honor if I could spend the rest of forever making it up to you.

"Until we lose ourselves there can be no hope of finding ourselves. We are of the world, and to enter fully into the world we must first lose ourselves in it."

I have no advice for anybody; except to, you know, be awake enough to see where you are at any given time, and how that is beautiful, and has poetry inside. Even places you hate.

"No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now."

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside; remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.

-When I saw my mother on Thursday, she said I have something inside of me that's eating me up. As the tears were rolling down my cheeks, I laughed. For just the day before I said the same exact words.

Today, all I did was curl up in bed with your smile and the sound of your voice when you laugh, and it was the best day I’ve had all week.
I miss Adam so much. I love him, I really do. Sure he's in jail but there is something there that I've never felt before. God, please watch over my baby and make sure he is always in good hands; your hands. Please help him make better choices and invite him in. Please God, he's all that I got now. ♥

I'm falling back in love with blogging again. Thanks everyone out there, after tomorrow I should have more time to read all of your blogs. Take care lovelies. :)


  1. darling this post is so beautiful, you are inspiring

  2. ik wat ur feeling binge is so ugly , ana is so pretty she makes ur sense sharp . o n i gt wat u mean a/b the peanut butter (so tasty i h8 it!!!! lol) stay strong my dragonflie hugz n kizzez-echo