Saturday, August 21, 2010

shut up. shut up shut up.

No matter what the hell I do, the voices won't leave my head. My urges are not anywhere close to down, not even close to gone. I fucking vomited all day. And now I have to eat dinner. ugh. ):
I went to the mall today, didn't really buy much. two pairs of jeans; size FUCKING FIVE. Oh My God. at least its not a seven, but still. I don't want to be a five I want to be a 1 or a ZERO! Is that really too much to ask for? Like, what the hell. I swear to God I'll loose all of this weight again. ): some way or another. I'll get back down to my beautiful 110, with every single rib showing. That's absolutely beautiful. Why can't anyone else see how beautiful that is!? I don't want these boobs or this ass. I don't want jiggle or flub. I want to be flat and sharp. When people hug me I want them to feel the beauty of every single one of my back bones. This isn't ever going to go away. Never ever. I don't know how I can fool my counselors, but I'm smart enough to do so. I'm sorry. I thought I really was going somewhere with this recovery. But you can't fucking make a girl gain 20 pounds and expect her to be happy?! Like who the hell in God's name would do that and expect that girl to make a full and happy recovery? I'm not happy at 134 (I don't know exactly but I feel it's this much) and I'm not happy at 130 or 125 or 120 or 115. I was completely happy and in love with myself at 110, and if people want to take the away from me, I'll fucking punch them in the face and do whatever it takes to get back down to 110. No, scratch that. I'll be 109, I'll fucking show these ladies what the hell is UP. They think everything they do is fine, they think people heal when they gain weight. Um, no. People need to get in their heads that what they do to 'help' girls (and guys!) with eating disorders by gaining weight will only make them go crazy and say 'fuck' one too many times. I'm sorry. I've never said this in my entire life, and I'm finally speaking up for myself. AND IT NEVER FELT FUCKING BETTER! Sometimes you guys should try this, rant about how much hatred you have for people and say whatever the hell you want! Okay, so I don't know where this is getting me, and maybe it's not as productive as what I thought it'd be. Haha. But I've never ever ever felt better. I'm going to start restricting sneakier. Spit my food into a napkin when no one's looking, hide it up my sleeve. The best thing I've learned to do it have a pop can (empty preferably to fit more in!) and keep it in the bedroom to go vomit in when dinner's done. Then take it into the bathroom and empty it out somewhat, or just the best you can into the toilet, and throw it away! Jesus I'm smart. (: Hahahah. I think that's what I'm going to do tonight. Although I have my ED meeting Monday where they weigh me. UGH. But that dumb ass lady wants me to keep gaining, and I'm not going to gain much more, no matter how much I eat. I'll lie on every single diary card if I have to, I fucking hate that lady. The only thing I can thank her for is for calling Child Services on my mother when she asked if she ever hit me. Thank God for that lady for only that reason! Well I think I've scarred your minds with enough words for one day. Everyone have a good day, good night, and stay strong. This girls comin' back.
In Jesus's name we pray, Amen.

Friday, August 20, 2010

drink until i start spitting blood in the sink.

Court yesterday went terrible. Nothin' more to really say. My mother is a complete and total fucking bitch. She's nothing to me. She's still going through with pressing charges, for what? Me not wanting her to read my ED journal that I bought with my own money? Is that even legal? It's not hers. But of course now it's all gone, every letter my girls wrote to me. It's just sick. So today if I don't go back to my mom's I guess she's going to call the cops. Sam, my counselor, said that the cops can't get involved. But I honestly think they can if the courts ordered me to follow my parents orders? And if I don't obey them, judge said I got consequences; 90 days in juvenile courts, probation, two year suspension from even getting my license that cannot be taken off. Like what the heck? ): I've been crying since yesterday and my eyes are puff balls and disgusting. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve this, but I guess someone up there is telling me something. But I have to meet with family and child services today, with my mom. It was supposed to be at my mom's house, but instead it's just going to be at the lady's office. Thank God, <3
I feel like writing. But oh wait, I don't have a journal to write in!
Humor has been my best friend through all of this, he's the only thing I got to get me through the day.

I shut my eyes and begin to think
all my thoughts soak in; they begin to sink
sink like an anchor into the sea
keep going down, down, pulling me
I being to drown, no air to fill my lungs
this is what I want, my life has just begun
Tears flood my eyes and disintegrate in the water
And she's announced missing, his youngest daughter
A murder, a homicide
not knowing it was suicide
I'm finally free
of this life that's been so mean to me
I open my eyes and start to swim
like nothing ever mattered, I'm free of sin;
The funeral can now begin.
No more worries, no more depression
no more having to look at their facial expressions
The air is now starting to freshen
I can't speak another word, my breath is taken away
I wish you could of changed within that day
I wish you would of changed in so many ways
but who am I to say that you needed to change
maybe it was just me, I should of been rearranged
And now I can't speak a word because I'm tongue tied
let's get this over with, say your goodbye.


I just wrote this. Tell me what you think?

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

where is the love, where is the love?

I'm absolutely in love with Trevor Hall <3

I thought this monster could finally be tamed, but instead it'll forver last inside of me. And Charolette, the counselorBITCH at rehab, said I'm still too skinny and should at least be 135-140. AT LEAST 140. Whatthefuck, areyoufuckingshittingme?! Uh yeah, no I'm never going up there. She said like if I keep eating a lot and don't gain anything then maybe I don't need to be up to that. I'm about 130 again. ): I'm trying not to let numbers bother me, but they really do. I cry a lot over this, is that pathetic? When there are real kids out there starving and dying, I'm here wanting to starve and die. I'm home alone, THANK GOD! So I'm going to go on the ab-lounger for a while. (: I just want to tone up a bit, get rid of this flab. Even though I still binge/purge every once in a while, I can get away with it! I'm terrible, I'm supposed to be recovering. But that's not possible for me right now. And if I still have ED thoughts then, I'll need to gain even more weight because thats what helps get rid of the thoughts? Um, yeah no. If I weigh more, I'll want to fucking kill myself more.! I don't know. I say I don't know a lot, don't I? Haha yeah.
Well I think it's ab time now.
I have a doctor appointment at eleven. Then tomorrow I have to go to court. I'm soso nervous. ): I'll probably be put on probation and, yeah. I feel like crying, ohmygosh. Well I need to do my abbbys, so I'm going to get going.
I love you all, just know that. <3

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

i want to make an impression.

I wish I could go back to January. <3
Neil, this amazing boy really liked me then, and he would of done anything for me. But I didn't really feel the same for him. Now I'd do anything for him and he won't talk to me anymore.
I don't know, whateverr. I'm done with guys. They just, don't make me happy. And I want to be happy. Ugh. I'm done with this subject.
Doctor appointment tomorrow.
Court on Thursday. How great? Fuck you mom, fuck you. I'm so done with her, my God, I just fucking hate her! ):
It kinda sucks that I don't have a mom, then again, I don't really want one. If a mom is what my mom is, then I don't want another.
I can't talk about food anymore, but of course this girl just said, "yeah i know wht u mean. for the first time in a while i almost got sick while eating because i felt like i ate too much. and i barely ate anything. i think im getting my small appetite back and i like it!"
): It sucks. Everyything is so triggering for me. Whyy!?
I'm thirsty.
I think I'm going to go smoke.
Goodnight World.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

recovery and a goodbye.

I'm really trying to fight this now. Everything that has happened to me, in these past few months, have happened for a reason. I don't know what that reason is for, yet, but I'll know soon. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me in some way or another. Even if you've only commented once, you don't know how much appreciation I have for you. Even though this is an illness that I'm supporting, I no longer can provide anything but hope and strength to you guys. You're all such beautiful people, I'd hate to loose any of you.<3
You've all touched my life in some way and I really can't say thanks enough.
I'm now starting my journey to greater heights, a life where ED doesn't exist and the numbers have no meaning. Sure, she'll always be there to talk to me once in a while, but I'm stronger now. I won't let her get back inside. This is a real goodbye to my eating disorder.
Another thing I want to talk about is July 4th...
I didn't tell anyone, except some of my 'closest' friends who seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. They don't want an 'anorexic' friend...or a pregnant one..(I still don't know, but I've had so many cravings and no period...)
They don't want me anymore and I'll never be good enough for them. I'm sorry that I let all of this happen to me, even if I didn't intend on doing so. But like I said, everything happens for a reason.<3
For as my mom, haven't heard from her in over three weeks now, and she's pressing charges against me for shit I didn't even do.
You know, sometimes I just want to cry. I wanna just break down, but if I do so, I let all my demons back in because they know I'm weak. I just have to stay strong, and keep my chin up. I may not be very pretty at all, or have any friends, or have a home, or parents, or anything, but I know I have all of you guys here for me. And it means so much. <3
I really want to thank you Charr especially. You've been there for me since day one and I really can't say thank you enough or how much you've impacted me. You mean a lot to me, and I hope I've helped you in some way too. I'm always here for you, I just hope that you know that.

This isn't a goodbye to my blog, no no no. I've fallen in love with blogging. And I want to use this as inspiration of to never going back to my own ways.
I'm trying to get better, I really am. I'm poppin' some ativan on the side to help me be numb. It doesn't work as well as alcohol though, because I have to wake up every morning and remember everything. I just hate this, I wish someone out there can make me happy. Happy like how I was three years ago before any of this started. I wish I never started. I wish I could go back and take it all back, every single little thing. But I guess if I've done anything different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't make this mistake ever again, because it'll be with me for my whole life. And I'm sorry to everyone whom I've hurt through all of this. . .

I don't know what else to say, I'm about to cry. I just...need something out there, you know? I just need something.
Thank you everyone, I really can't say that enough. <33

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

august 10th.

14 more days until school. two more weeks. i'm not going back though, like i just can't. too many triggers and i just want to get myself together first. i'm going to get online schooling. then i can like go walk to a job and what not. euigsjfklsdf
life is tough. but it's what you make it. and i had to grow up a lot in this past week. well, as it turns out, my moms pressing charges against me and i have to go to court and what not. fuck. i don't really care i guess, im just pretty hurt that shes doing this and i havent done shit to her. i mean, i don't even have a mom anymore. i dont really even consider her as anything to me.

enough with that.
i dont feel like writing much right now.
maybe tomorrow.

Friday, August 6, 2010

blah blah blah.

things are lookin' better as each day goes on.
still at my dad's but i'm worried about school. i'm in a different town and i looked up the school out here online and it says the custodial parent must register the child for the school. and see, the problem is my mother is the custodial parent. she still has full custody. dammit. ): i need to get to court soon. and about monday night, she said she's thinking about pressing charges. yeah, wtf. i hope she does, because i sure as hell know i'm going to. today i saw her in the family therapy meeting for the eating disorder counseling and stuff. i'm not going to call her, i'm never going to talk to her outside of that place. no, i'm done. and i said it straight up today in the meeting. i can't even make eye contact with her, i just can't.
i mean, it's getting to me. the guilt. that's my mother i'm talking about. but i never had a real mom. just a drunk lady in the house my whole life. someone asked me, ''how can you just be done with her like that, i couldn't do that to my own mom, as in shut her outta my life completely.'' and i just replied, ''you have a relationship with your mom. you have a bond. see, i don't have anything like that, no connection, nothing."
it's sad, but it's the truth. i mean, i have no emotional attachment to my mom. there's nothing there. i have no feelings towards her; everything just seems numb.
but whatever. i don't need and i certainly don't want any reliance on anyone in my life. i don't need a guy to 'complete me' or support me in life with money. i don't need any of that, i'm dependent on my own and i'll be happy as ever. maybe one day i'll let my ED back into my life, but i don't know. that won't be for a few years or so, when i can leave and get away with it.
anyways, i'm going to try to talk to my dad about court and everything. i feel bad, i mean, he's done so much for me. he had to pay 987$ to the ED place for treatment bills my mom 'couldn't' pay. when she goes out and spends hundreds of dollars on herself each week. whatever. i'm done.
i went to the mall today with my sister and her friends. i bought a pair of shorts and i got another one for a penny. size three. (: made me happy. a little tight, but they'll be more loose eventually.
god i can't wait until fall time. i want the birght colors on the trees and the smell and oh goodness. i'm getting carried away.
well i'm gonna' go. have a good day everyone. <3

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

new life.

so monday night, shit went down. walked into my room, finding my mother reading my journal. it has everything written in it from CCED and just how much i hate her and me wanting weed and drinking and everything. ):
i don't think she got too much into it, because we were fighting and screaming and basically wrestling for it, and she called the cops on me and shit. yeah, fuck her. i didn't even hit her or anything, i ws reaching for the journal, like freaking out, and saying that its not hers and to give it back. shes just saying like get out of my room and to shut up and she punched me in the lip. yeah, got me a big fucking fat lip. and i didn't see them then but now i have bruises, huge purple and blue ones covering my arms.
when the cops came i told them everything, and thank god this guy listened. he told me he was here before when my mom was intoxicated. but i told him how she hits me and drinks and everything. he reported it to social workers so tonight i have to go and talk with them. i'm at my dads currently, i am not fucking going back. tomorrow i have a meeting with the ED lady and shit, gettin' weighed.
i binged and purged just a few hours ago and i fell back in love.
i'm not letting her go, she's all that i need to get thin again. and i will.
i don't know how much i weigh, but prolly somewhere around 130 i'm guessing.
110 here i fucking come. i don't give a shit anymore, i can hide it. and i know i wont get caught this time. no no no.
well as for my journal, back to that, i finally got it from her when she was on the phone with the cops and i ran outside, ripped out the pages i had written on, and through them into the woods somewhere. god i wish i didn't do that, i should of hid them in my bra because my fucking psycho mom went out there that night looking for them with a flashlight. but something in me is keeping me calm and i just have this feeling that she's not going to find them. i'm praying she doesn't.
honestly, the only good thing about refeeding and shit is boobs. i got my a34's back haha, they should be b36's or something, but they're not getting back up to size. i'll loose the weight again and loose the boobs again. i'd rather be skinny than have boobs. like who the hell cares. i don't want guys to like me for my boobs anyways. enough boob talk, its gross. haha
yeah so tonight i'm talking with people and they gonna get my mom's ass. i hope she fucking suffers for everything she's done to me. i'm never going to talk to her ever again, i'm done with her and she is no longer in my life anymore. until of course the courts rule in my favor that i can stay with my dad. she can't say shit against him because i got bigger shit against her. yeah, fuck you mom.
i bet she's reading my blog too. it wouldn't surprise me, she went through all of the history on the computer anyways, she's bound to of found this.
who cares. i don't.
next week when my dad goes on vacation, imma get so fucking drunk. (theres vodka and everythinggg in the garage.:D) fuck yeah. i'm only here with my sister, but she's bound to go out with her friends, and then i can have a friend over.
i know i said i'd never drink again, but i don't care.
i just need something to get this shit outta my head. getting shitfaced is a good decision for me right now. ooh, maybe i'll even gain some weight!

ugh. sorry. i'm going crazy. i'm nervous about whats going to happen tonight.
i'm nervous about tomorrow with the eating disorder place weighing me.
i'm just a nervous wreck.