Sunday, August 15, 2010

recovery and a goodbye.

I'm really trying to fight this now. Everything that has happened to me, in these past few months, have happened for a reason. I don't know what that reason is for, yet, but I'll know soon. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me in some way or another. Even if you've only commented once, you don't know how much appreciation I have for you. Even though this is an illness that I'm supporting, I no longer can provide anything but hope and strength to you guys. You're all such beautiful people, I'd hate to loose any of you.<3
You've all touched my life in some way and I really can't say thanks enough.
I'm now starting my journey to greater heights, a life where ED doesn't exist and the numbers have no meaning. Sure, she'll always be there to talk to me once in a while, but I'm stronger now. I won't let her get back inside. This is a real goodbye to my eating disorder.
Another thing I want to talk about is July 4th...
I didn't tell anyone, except some of my 'closest' friends who seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. They don't want an 'anorexic' friend...or a pregnant one..(I still don't know, but I've had so many cravings and no period...)
They don't want me anymore and I'll never be good enough for them. I'm sorry that I let all of this happen to me, even if I didn't intend on doing so. But like I said, everything happens for a reason.<3
For as my mom, haven't heard from her in over three weeks now, and she's pressing charges against me for shit I didn't even do.
You know, sometimes I just want to cry. I wanna just break down, but if I do so, I let all my demons back in because they know I'm weak. I just have to stay strong, and keep my chin up. I may not be very pretty at all, or have any friends, or have a home, or parents, or anything, but I know I have all of you guys here for me. And it means so much. <3
I really want to thank you Charr especially. You've been there for me since day one and I really can't say thank you enough or how much you've impacted me. You mean a lot to me, and I hope I've helped you in some way too. I'm always here for you, I just hope that you know that.

This isn't a goodbye to my blog, no no no. I've fallen in love with blogging. And I want to use this as inspiration of to never going back to my own ways.
I'm trying to get better, I really am. I'm poppin' some ativan on the side to help me be numb. It doesn't work as well as alcohol though, because I have to wake up every morning and remember everything. I just hate this, I wish someone out there can make me happy. Happy like how I was three years ago before any of this started. I wish I never started. I wish I could go back and take it all back, every single little thing. But I guess if I've done anything different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't make this mistake ever again, because it'll be with me for my whole life. And I'm sorry to everyone whom I've hurt through all of this. . .

I don't know what else to say, I'm about to cry. I just...need something out there, you know? I just need something.
Thank you everyone, I really can't say that enough. <33

1 comment:

  1. I'm so happy that I've been able to impact you, even if just a little bit. I know I'm just a face in a different country from you, and I might not seem completely real, but just know that I'm a real person just like you ;] and I'm always here for you. Any time you feel shitty or just need to vent, seriously message me on facebook and we can talk :]

    You have no idea how proud I am of you. You're only 15 and you've gone through so so much, and it's amazing that you're strong enough to say enough of this and decide to recover. I'm supporting you 110% with this. It's going to be hard...but please, no matter what don't give up. Don't let this control your life. You deserve the very best, and you deserve to be happy. If your "friends" don't want anything to do with you now, they do not deserve you AT ALL. You are precious. Don't let the mirror, or your mom, or you friends or even yourself tell you otherwise.

    I hope you feel better today. It breaks my heart that you feel like this :( I wish you the world, and as I've said I'm so proud of you for deciding to take control of your life and overcome this bitch.
    xoxo <3