Friday, August 20, 2010

drink until i start spitting blood in the sink.

Court yesterday went terrible. Nothin' more to really say. My mother is a complete and total fucking bitch. She's nothing to me. She's still going through with pressing charges, for what? Me not wanting her to read my ED journal that I bought with my own money? Is that even legal? It's not hers. But of course now it's all gone, every letter my girls wrote to me. It's just sick. So today if I don't go back to my mom's I guess she's going to call the cops. Sam, my counselor, said that the cops can't get involved. But I honestly think they can if the courts ordered me to follow my parents orders? And if I don't obey them, judge said I got consequences; 90 days in juvenile courts, probation, two year suspension from even getting my license that cannot be taken off. Like what the heck? ): I've been crying since yesterday and my eyes are puff balls and disgusting. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve this, but I guess someone up there is telling me something. But I have to meet with family and child services today, with my mom. It was supposed to be at my mom's house, but instead it's just going to be at the lady's office. Thank God, <3
I feel like writing. But oh wait, I don't have a journal to write in!
Humor has been my best friend through all of this, he's the only thing I got to get me through the day.

I shut my eyes and begin to think
all my thoughts soak in; they begin to sink
sink like an anchor into the sea
keep going down, down, pulling me
I being to drown, no air to fill my lungs
this is what I want, my life has just begun
Tears flood my eyes and disintegrate in the water
And she's announced missing, his youngest daughter
A murder, a homicide
not knowing it was suicide
I'm finally free
of this life that's been so mean to me
I open my eyes and start to swim
like nothing ever mattered, I'm free of sin;
The funeral can now begin.
No more worries, no more depression
no more having to look at their facial expressions
The air is now starting to freshen
I can't speak another word, my breath is taken away
I wish you could of changed within that day
I wish you would of changed in so many ways
but who am I to say that you needed to change
maybe it was just me, I should of been rearranged
And now I can't speak a word because I'm tongue tied
let's get this over with, say your goodbye.


I just wrote this. Tell me what you think?


  1. so sorry babygirl. i'm sorry she took your journal&that she's the sort of person to press charges against her daughter. i like your writing. much better than mine. keep it up, journal or no. hang in there, darling.


  2. wow i love it. i cant write at all but to have someone else put the words to how I feel or in a way that i can relate to them in such a way is breath taking.

    I don't know the whole situation, but I cant image that your case would get that brutal. Just stay calm and in control eventual it will make you mom look like ... an ass.

  3. Wow, blonde in me didn't realize until you wrote that until the end..I was actually going to ask you who wrote that. No lie, I absolutely love it <3

    I'm so sorry about your mom & court and everything..that's so awful :( You don't deserve this and it's not fair -.- Yeah, life's not fair but I can still complain, right? I hope things get better for you soon. I guess for now just follow the court's orders carefully so you don't get yourself into any trouble. I'm proud of you for going through all this shit, hang in there, love.

  4. Tears flood my eyes and disintegrate in the water
    And she's announced missing, his youngest daughter
    A murder, a homicide
    not knowing it was suicide

    i really like that part. <3