No matter what the hell I do, the voices won't leave my head. My urges are not anywhere close to down, not even close to gone. I fucking vomited all day. And now I have to eat dinner. ugh. ):
I went to the mall today, didn't really buy much. two pairs of jeans; size FUCKING FIVE. Oh My God. at least its not a seven, but still. I don't want to be a five I want to be a 1 or a ZERO! Is that really too much to ask for? Like, what the hell. I swear to God I'll loose all of this weight again. ): some way or another. I'll get back down to my beautiful 110, with every single rib showing. That's absolutely beautiful. Why can't anyone else see how beautiful that is!? I don't want these boobs or this ass. I don't want jiggle or flub. I want to be flat and sharp. When people hug me I want them to feel the beauty of every single one of my back bones. This isn't ever going to go away. Never ever. I don't know how I can fool my counselors, but I'm smart enough to do so. I'm sorry. I thought I really was going somewhere with this recovery. But you can't fucking make a girl gain 20 pounds and expect her to be happy?! Like who the hell in God's name would do that and expect that girl to make a full and happy recovery? I'm not happy at 134 (I don't know exactly but I feel it's this much) and I'm not happy at 130 or 125 or 120 or 115. I was completely happy and in love with myself at 110, and if people want to take the away from me, I'll fucking punch them in the face and do whatever it takes to get back down to 110. No, scratch that. I'll be 109, I'll fucking show these ladies what the hell is UP. They think everything they do is fine, they think people heal when they gain weight. Um, no. People need to get in their heads that what they do to 'help' girls (and guys!) with eating disorders by gaining weight will only make them go crazy and say 'fuck' one too many times. I'm sorry. I've never said this in my entire life, and I'm finally speaking up for myself. AND IT NEVER FELT FUCKING BETTER! Sometimes you guys should try this, rant about how much hatred you have for people and say whatever the hell you want! Okay, so I don't know where this is getting me, and maybe it's not as productive as what I thought it'd be. Haha. But I've never ever ever felt better. I'm going to start restricting sneakier. Spit my food into a napkin when no one's looking, hide it up my sleeve. The best thing I've learned to do it have a pop can (empty preferably to fit more in!) and keep it in the bedroom to go vomit in when dinner's done. Then take it into the bathroom and empty it out somewhat, or just the best you can into the toilet, and throw it away! Jesus I'm smart. (: Hahahah. I think that's what I'm going to do tonight. Although I have my ED meeting Monday where they weigh me. UGH. But that dumb ass lady wants me to keep gaining, and I'm not going to gain much more, no matter how much I eat. I'll lie on every single diary card if I have to, I fucking hate that lady. The only thing I can thank her for is for calling Child Services on my mother when she asked if she ever hit me. Thank God for that lady for only that reason! Well I think I've scarred your minds with enough words for one day. Everyone have a good day, good night, and stay strong. This girls comin' back.
In Jesus's name we pray, Amen.