Wednesday, August 18, 2010

where is the love, where is the love?

I'm absolutely in love with Trevor Hall <3

I thought this monster could finally be tamed, but instead it'll forver last inside of me. And Charolette, the counselorBITCH at rehab, said I'm still too skinny and should at least be 135-140. AT LEAST 140. Whatthefuck, areyoufuckingshittingme?! Uh yeah, no I'm never going up there. She said like if I keep eating a lot and don't gain anything then maybe I don't need to be up to that. I'm about 130 again. ): I'm trying not to let numbers bother me, but they really do. I cry a lot over this, is that pathetic? When there are real kids out there starving and dying, I'm here wanting to starve and die. I'm home alone, THANK GOD! So I'm going to go on the ab-lounger for a while. (: I just want to tone up a bit, get rid of this flab. Even though I still binge/purge every once in a while, I can get away with it! I'm terrible, I'm supposed to be recovering. But that's not possible for me right now. And if I still have ED thoughts then, I'll need to gain even more weight because thats what helps get rid of the thoughts? Um, yeah no. If I weigh more, I'll want to fucking kill myself more.! I don't know. I say I don't know a lot, don't I? Haha yeah.
Well I think it's ab time now.
I have a doctor appointment at eleven. Then tomorrow I have to go to court. I'm soso nervous. ): I'll probably be put on probation and, yeah. I feel like crying, ohmygosh. Well I need to do my abbbys, so I'm going to get going.
I love you all, just know that. <3

1 comment:

  1. Oh god, you're so strong. I feel terrible for you :(
    Remember that the goal in the end is health and happiness, just keep trying to remember that doll. You can do this, I believe in you.