so monday night, shit went down. walked into my room, finding my mother reading my journal. it has everything written in it from CCED and just how much i hate her and me wanting weed and drinking and everything. ):
i don't think she got too much into it, because we were fighting and screaming and basically wrestling for it, and she called the cops on me and shit. yeah, fuck her. i didn't even hit her or anything, i ws reaching for the journal, like freaking out, and saying that its not hers and to give it back. shes just saying like get out of my room and to shut up and she punched me in the lip. yeah, got me a big fucking fat lip. and i didn't see them then but now i have bruises, huge purple and blue ones covering my arms.
when the cops came i told them everything, and thank god this guy listened. he told me he was here before when my mom was intoxicated. but i told him how she hits me and drinks and everything. he reported it to social workers so tonight i have to go and talk with them. i'm at my dads currently, i am not fucking going back. tomorrow i have a meeting with the ED lady and shit, gettin' weighed.
i binged and purged just a few hours ago and i fell back in love.
i'm not letting her go, she's all that i need to get thin again. and i will.
i don't know how much i weigh, but prolly somewhere around 130 i'm guessing.
110 here i fucking come. i don't give a shit anymore, i can hide it. and i know i wont get caught this time. no no no.
well as for my journal, back to that, i finally got it from her when she was on the phone with the cops and i ran outside, ripped out the pages i had written on, and through them into the woods somewhere. god i wish i didn't do that, i should of hid them in my bra because my fucking psycho mom went out there that night looking for them with a flashlight. but something in me is keeping me calm and i just have this feeling that she's not going to find them. i'm praying she doesn't.
honestly, the only good thing about refeeding and shit is boobs. i got my a34's back haha, they should be b36's or something, but they're not getting back up to size. i'll loose the weight again and loose the boobs again. i'd rather be skinny than have boobs. like who the hell cares. i don't want guys to like me for my boobs anyways. enough boob talk, its gross. haha
yeah so tonight i'm talking with people and they gonna get my mom's ass. i hope she fucking suffers for everything she's done to me. i'm never going to talk to her ever again, i'm done with her and she is no longer in my life anymore. until of course the courts rule in my favor that i can stay with my dad. she can't say shit against him because i got bigger shit against her. yeah, fuck you mom.
i bet she's reading my blog too. it wouldn't surprise me, she went through all of the history on the computer anyways, she's bound to of found this.
who cares. i don't.
next week when my dad goes on vacation, imma get so fucking drunk. (theres vodka and everythinggg in the garage.:D) fuck yeah. i'm only here with my sister, but she's bound to go out with her friends, and then i can have a friend over.
i know i said i'd never drink again, but i don't care.
i just need something to get this shit outta my head. getting shitfaced is a good decision for me right now. ooh, maybe i'll even gain some weight!
ugh. sorry. i'm going crazy. i'm nervous about whats going to happen tonight.
i'm nervous about tomorrow with the eating disorder place weighing me.
i'm just a nervous wreck.