Monday, May 24, 2010

i've got dirt under my finger nails.

I love gardening, it's so relaxing. I'm going vegetarian again, as of May 24th 2010. Let's see if I can make it around the whole year. And as of May 18th 2010, I've been living a sober life. No drinking, no smoking, no nothing! I'm done wasting my life away like that, but then again it's not like I was some big druggggie. I didn't make a habit out of it, I just wanted to stop before it got too serious.
Well another thing, my mom found out about my binging and purging...she's like threatening me by saying that she's going to send me to the hospital and that I'm going to a psychiatric ward or something. And then she's telling me that I'm going to die by the age of eighteen. It's really scaring me. :( And she's been watching me so carefully, it's driving me insane. But she found out on Saturday, and every day since then I've got around her and binged and purged. And she's pretty swift too, like I'm surprised she didn't catch me. But Thank God she didn't, because as far as she's concerned, I haven't done it in like three days. And plus she doesn't know that it comes up on it's own already; Sunday she asked to see my hands, aha. (to see if my knuckles were all marked up and what not) but I don't even use my hand and when I did, I never left marks on them.
Last but not least, I am 117. :D Not more, not less, exactly 117. I'm getting back in the gist of this, but I know I can't keep it up for long without my mom knowing I'm loosing more weight! Like I've been 120 for over a month now, and she just realized how thin I was last Thursday night. Over the weekend we went shopping and I really wanted a pair of jeans. Just one, and I know it's summer time but I needed jeans. So we go in, and I tried on a pair of jeans that were a size 1/2 :D (they we're a 0 or a 3, I don't know if it means like 'half' or a 1 and 2 ? ) butttt they were so cute too, I really wanted them and they were only 20$ ! CHEAP FOR A GREAT PAIR! And my mom would not let me get them because of the size, she said I have to get bigger sizes because I'm going to be getting bigger.
FUCKING YEAH RIGHT!? The most I'm allowing myself to get back up to is 119.
So that's my life right now. But whatever, I guess it could be worse.
I'm just psyched about my 117! Likeeee seven pounds away from my goal weight! But I don't know what to do because my mother is on my asss, but good thing she didn't force me on the scale, yet...
Only like nine more days of school, please hurry summer break, I don't think I can wait much longerr!

1 comment:

  1. I really like your blog, you're a great inspiration to me. Just wanted to say :)