Saturday, February 12, 2011

if only they knew

What am I doing? No matter how hard I try, I can't beat this. It's the same relapse, over and over and over again. It's not fair. Then again, nothing in life is fair. No one in life is perfect. But I don't believe that for some reason that I'll maybe never know. Monday is Valentine's Day, the day I dread so much because I'll never be skinny enough or pretty enough to be with any guy. Haven't had a 'valentine' for four years. Probably won't change for another forty.
I hate winter. I hate this month, I hate this year. I want to just be happy, inside and out. I want my internal side to be as glowing as my external side is. But bulima makes it disgusting; I'm practically killing myself and I don't seem to care?
Ahhh, of course the sun comes out when I run back inside. I wish summer was here. I want to lay out for hours, feel my bones, get tan, lay in the grass, feel light as air, wear big dresses that hide my bones, feel my hair blowing in the breeze..
This summer I'm not going back to rehab. Nope. I'm going out every night, I'm going to live. Lay on the beach, do whatever the hell I want. Nathan and I have been talking for a few weeks now, I just hope all of our summer plans actually carry out. ♥
He said he wants to take me to the beach, the light house, bring me to Canada, go to Ceder Point, and vent everything to each other. I'm falling for this boy, falling hard. He says that I'm really pretty, he makes little remarks about wanting to marry me or have children with me. Just cute stuff, that I haven't had in a while.
My mind changes quickly now, maybe it's the medication. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm still fighting every day, that I give up every day and want to start again tomorrow, how I don't want to have bulima anymore yet I don't want to be fat and can't stand keeping food down. I ask God every day why I have this in my life. He hasn't replied yet, but I'm waiting for the day that he does.

Summer times are killin' me. I just want to be free.. ♥

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