another day.

I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay.

It's not working too well.
So I have to gain weight, and if I don't I'll be in the in-patient program again.
No.
I'm not going back in there. It's bad enough with my out-patient program I'm doing, supervised by my mother. Which she's not doing very well at because I'm binging and purging right in front of her, yet she doesn't realize it because the alcohol fills her veins and takes her away. But I'm okay, only a few new bruises. And I think it's normal? I don't know what normal even is anymore...
One more week. I'm moving out unconditionally. I'm not signing another two week contract to be stuck with my mom. no No NO. I have so much dislike for her, I can't stand being here another minute. She goes through everything in my room every day and she leaves it a mess, claiming ''you have all day to put everything back how you had it.'' Really mom, really? Then I can't even sit down and watch television because ''I'm wasting electricity.'' But what are you doing right now? Doesn't make much sense to me...doesn't seem too fair to me either.
And do you guys want to hear another sad thing? I secretly borrowed my mother's phone today (she turned mine off) and called my dad. We were talking for a little bit, and he knows that I want to live with him, he even told me that I could. But I don't know if he was sober when he said any of that because he never mentions it anymore. And maybe I'm just paranoid about all of this, or maybe I just need to speak up. But the sad thing is, when I told him how much I hated living here today he just replied, "what do you want me to do?'' ...
Like, should I have straight up said it? Dad I want you to come pick up my stuff so that I can move in with you. But I shed a tear or two...and just said "I don't know." The most common three words that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. Whatever. I can't rely on anyone in this world. But I'm going to move in with my dad, because if I don't, I'll never have a life. And if I don't have a life, I'll never be free. And I want to be free.

So I'm putting on the pounds, 127 I do believe. Ew. My stomach bulges out like a baby is growing in me. Oh wait, that's right. There probably is. ):
I got sick one morning. I don't know if it was just me purging, or legit throwing up. Kinda hard to tell. But I did feel sick to my stomach, and maybe I'm just saying that it was all in my head. Who knows.
I stopped taking those meds. Except the ativan, that shits legit. Makes me forget everything. I should start selling it, aha. Kidding; I need some humor right now. Please, someone just give me strength...

giygiufiuhdo8e3ujr5.

I don't care anymore. I have to get out of here, my mom's that is. When I was at my dad's this weekend, I got away with so much. Like it's not even funny, and my mom even told him what to do. God, I love my dad. I just have to move in with him. I don't care what it takes, I have to do it. My mom says it's going to cost money for lawyers and court things but I don't care. I need this. I need it more than anything. My ED was happy there, and so was I. I'm going to do this. Sorry mom, but I am going to move out. And when I came home today, I unpacked all of my boxes and books and stuff and set back up my room as I had it, because I thought I didn't want to move out. But I don't care, I'll pack it all back up again, like I've done many of times already.
Hmmm...my friend Amanda is coming over tomorrow. She understands me so much, like everything that's going on. She says she has the same things going on with her too; the voices in her head telling her not to eat, and etc. She did loose so much weight, she's literally a stick now. But she doesn't feel that way, and as she tells me I'm a stick, I don't at all feel that way. I'm so bloated right now, my stomach sticks out so much - it looks like I have a balloon under my skin. Ugh. I want to loose this all so bad, like right now! ): But that can' happen just yet. After these two weeks of fucking absolute hell are up, I am moving out, like it's legit. Well I don't know what else to say. I haven't weighed myself in a week, and I have no intent in doing so. Fuck this, and fuck you mom. Go drink yourself to death, because that's exactly what you're doing.
):
Fuck,.

FRRREEEEEE. for now.

So I got my way outtta day treatment. But my mother has to watch me for the next two weeks and I have to gain 1/2 lbs. a week. nott too bad, i'm not worrying.
i've decided that i am going to live with my dad, and um yeah. i think i'm going to get home schooled for the year, like online classes. or maybe even just one semester, i don't know yet. but enough time to get back down to my size, in a kinda healthier way? and so i can get a job and earn some moneeyyy! like i need money. and to buy a car/insurance. yesyesyes.
hmmmmm...yeah so i don't know my weight right now, and i don't really wannntto know it. but imma gain all the weight back, maybe up to like 129. ugh. but then i'll move out, hopefully they won't monitor me anymore, but yeah. it sucks dood. don't everrrrr get caught, like omg. it so unbelievably sucks.
well i don't know what else to say.
this life is put on hold for a little bit.
two weeks. or longer, i don'tknow.
i just wanna get outta my mom's house. please.
i'll try to keep this updated more now that i'm home, then again, i don't know what to really say. well, i hope you all are doing weelll. i love all you guys. <33 stay strong for me.

finished every last bite.

but i 'purged' it all back up.
where is thsi getting me?
i hate the word 'purge'.
they say things like "the urge to purge."
it makes me laugh.
i've been bs-ing my way outtta there.
they said i have to gain weight (OKAY! i can always lose it again! )
and just see if it helps me in a week.
so gotta finish this week and by next tuesday i should be out.
i gotta drink waterr a lot of it on weigh in days, which are scheduled tuesdays and fridays. i'm 116.2.
116.2
116.2
116.4
116.9
122
127
128
129.7
135.6


i don't want to go back to that.
do they not understand? ):
no they fucking dont, i don't think anyone does.
godd. please god just help me.
in group we use this skill called distraction to take our minds off what we just ate and what not, and i make hemp bracelets and such.
my wholee left wrist is covereddd.
my right just has like two.
nothiing cool there,

so i'm on prozac now. i read on the label, do not take if pregnant.
i asked why and they said it could kill the fetus. or really badly harm it.
hopefully if i am and prozac effects it, it'll just die asap. no harm, no pain.
please god, forgive me for doing this, forgive me for all of this. they try to tell me its not my fault, but then who the fucks fault is it then,
oh no, OF COURSE NOT MY EATING DISORDER. OR ME,
toottalllly not,
whatever fuck this.
i'm also on ativan - anxiety and shit.
i'm trippin' balls on one mg, think if i take another, accidentlyl. (L:l
that was supposted to be a smiley.
omg
im so outta it.
god. plaease just help me.
please please please

jnwdwj
... ):egb '[

i can't do this anymore.

today was my first day at fucking rehab. sounded easy, sure. but not when you have a mother who packs you a lunch that could feed four. ): and they made me eat it all. i couldn't even leave little pieces of salt or needle tip sized crumbs on the plate, LITERALLY! like are you fucking shitting me? and i couldn't peel the crust off of my sandwhich which my mother secretly packed. bitch bitch bicth! i'm sooo moving out as soon as i can get outta there. and they put me on two new meds; prozac and some anxiety control. the anxiety shit should make me feel numb, and if i oh say, ACCIDENTLY took two...maybe three...i'd be pretty fucked up. thats what i really need. but i'm sure my mother will limit me on them. jiewhrfiownfdliewnflrvew
rf
fuck this, fuck everything.
i'm seriously done.
she wants to eat dinner together, yeah right.
she;s leaving now to get my meds, and i'm going to binge and purge.
fuck you mother, FUCK YOU.

chills on my neck and it makes me smile.

another day. today went better actually, at least i have to say so. i ate a veggie burger, and another, then a hot dog, then a hamburger, then a cupcake...and after all that, i thought to myself, "i DON'T feel like wanting to get it up." like, i was happy even though i ate all that. it was weird. but i ended up getting it up anyways. but i'm getting there, hopfeully. tomorrow is my first appointment, i have to eat lunch and snacks there? i don't care. i mean, they expect me to freak out and throw it up, but i won't. i'll play it cool, and as far as they're concerned, my last binge/purge was two weeks ago as of today. haha whateverrr. well i'm back down to 113! woo, until tomorrow. /: honestly, who the fuck cares. i'm not a model, i'm not pretty, so what does it matter if i'm skinny? ): whateverr,er,epfmeimgfiedmwefmlegv
imma get goin'. have a goodnighhhtt everyone.



currently listening to; summertime clothes by animal collective. <3

two little boxes that hold all of my life.

ive finally got everything all packed up. not that i'm going anywhere, anytime sooon.
i'm moving out of my mothers house as soon as these out-patient appoinments end. helllloo father. he doesn't even know yet, and neither does she. oh god, who knows whats going to happen when she finds out. i know he'll be understanding and accepting, something i truly need for once. enough he / she this and that...
well i'm going to fake my way through my classes, eat and shit, no bad food thoughts, no purging, nothiiiinnnnngg. that should run me hopefully only three weeks, maybe some follow up sessions, but i don't know. i'm going to put on some weight, and i'm terrified. i'm back down to 113.5 and i'm sososoo happy. but come monday, they'll weigh me. no wait, tuesdays and fridays it is. and i read in the booklet they gave me that i'll be in a given hospital gown, meaning my jeans and clothes can't weight me down. time to stuff the bra though! aha. idk whatt i'm going to do. i'm going to stop looking at the scale until i'm done. and maybe i will fully recover from all of this. i hope i do, i hope i don't. my mom just told me today that i'm killing myself. what else is new. fioenfinfr
etrf
e3tfie3;pnrf
w2rtnihrq9p3u754tngvd
xc i
i fucking hateee her. damnnnnit.
even when i'm home and she 'monitors' me eating and such, i still get away with binging and purging! and its pretttty damn obvious too! i don't knoww, whatever.
one day at a time, one day at a timee....
i'm going to get goingg, i'm supposed to go out with my dad tomorrow to some boat show? i'm going to tell him then. i just hope i have the courage to... /:
god i could use some legitshhhitt right now to feel numb. toooo much going on.
i'm feeling almost sick to my stomach and it's not the bulimia.
raqewjrdiwnrfignrtg
sorry,
byee. <3

asparagus.

good stuff.

thanks everyone, for comments on my last post.
i just didn't want anyone to worry about me, i know you all have things of your own to deal with. i just wanted to get it out for myself, so i know i'm not the only one who knows. i have no one to tell at home here, no friends that i can trust. i don't want anything to do with guys right now, not to be rude but i think i have the right to say that. and it doesn't help with the fact that this guy i used to like / talk to is talking to me again and wants to hang out. he's like pressuring mee, "damn i miss you so *effin much" . "we gotta hang out soon!! LIKE SOON!" .
and etc. he's a pretty nice guy, i guess, but i'm not at all ready to even hang out with someone right now. no no no.
in fact, the very first time that i met him, and it was within ten mintues of hanging out, he asked me 'if i wanted to do anything.'
yeah, i'm not hanging out with him. ): i don't need this shit again.
well i have another out-patient appt. at that place. 3:30. this time i'm just going to go along with it. it sucks because every time i go there i end up crying terribly. i don't know if its from everything that happened in the past week...or just realization setting in. since my mom found the bags last monday? i think it was, i've told everyone that i haven't done it since then. that's the story, itt's been a week. when really i've still been doing it everyday. ): it's easier now, i don't know why, but i have to eat infont of my mom, okay....then she goes outside to have a cigarette and drink a beer, great. so of course i go get it up! dammit. but i've gotten my period, so thats pretty good. i don't know. i'm just worrying about getting pregnant more so than eating and shit. i'm going to see if i can buy a test this weekend, is it too soon to tell???? i don't know. by getting my period does that mean i'm automatically not??? i have some research to do. i mean, i'm fifteen. i can't have a baby. and i can't have an abortion. and i can't give it up for adoption. and i definitelyy cannot harm it..him or her..by throwing up! ): i'm ging to stop. for the sake of this. i don't know. this is the scariest thing i've ever gone through....well it's up there. no, it tops it all. i'm going to google everything i need answered, since i don't have anyone to talk to home here. thanks everyone, really. you guys are the only ones who understand me..and are here for me. it means a lot, i actually have people to rely on. thank you, just so much.
if anyone has a myspace, here's my address;
www.myspace.com/megannbandish
or a facebook i don't know if the links are still the same but talk to me through myspace..

i love you guys, and i hope for the best for everyone.
stay strong, i know i'm trying too.

don't read this. please.

I don't want anyone to read this, what I'm about to say is terrible. I need to get it out though..

July Fourth, worst day of my life. I'm still crying from that night.
I went to a party with my father, his girlfriend, and my sister. It was fun, I got drunkk. I was NOT planning on doing so, but my sister just pissed me off. So I'm sitting there, shoving food in my face, trying to binge and what not. I didn't do anything to her; she asked me where the water was and I told her that it was in the cooler. So I'm there eating my hamburger, chomp chomp chomp. She comes back and throw ice in my face! I was like "what the fuck is wrong with you!?" I spit out whats in my mouth and throw it at her, then I ran downstairs (where the only bathroom was that I knew about) and getting everything up. Maybe I did over react a little, but seriously, she's seventeen and so immature. She did it on purpose too, trying to get it down my shirt? Whateverrr, and then there were no cute boys there so I'm like fuuckk it. I pored myself some Russian vodka and mixed it with whatever else was there. I sat down on a couch, (everyone was outside at this time so they didn't see me. It tasted bad, but I was so upset I binged/purged and my sister. I just chugged it. Then this lady came in and went to the little mini fridge under the counter, pulled out a mike's hard lemonade and walked back outside. I was like dammnn, I want one! Ha so I took the last one. Thennn I went back and drank another whole cup of Russian vodka mix. I was pretttyy drunk. Went to the bathroom to pee and tried taking a picture of myself and it was blurry. I didn't realize I did that until the next day when I looked in my phone. But I went aback out and sat on the couch. Suddenly this super cute guy walked in. He said "Can I get you pretty lady a drink" that's all I remember. I don't know what I said back, but then he came and sat down next to me. I remember we were talking (somehow I was) and then he was like "Do you wanna come out to my car and listen to this CD?" (we were discussing music I guess. And it was laaate, around 9:30/10:00? So it was dark and the people were drunk, and fireworks were going to start. We get to his car and I sit in the passenger's seat. He starts playing this music, grind core/screamo what not. I'm pretty much into that stuff. But then the fireworks started..and it started from there. He pushed me into the back seat and....raped me. I didn't realized what was happening. I screamed but he put his hand over my mouth, and I said "NO! NO!" But he didn't do anything. Nobody would of heard anyways...the fireworks were too loud. Then it ended and he carried me outta the car onto the grass and he walked back inside. I was just laying there, shaking. Staring up at the sky, not even at the fireworks. What. Just. Happened. I got up and went back inside. I don't know his name, but he was 22 years old. And he has a pregnant girlfriend. She was there. I stumbled to find my dad, and he said he was looking for me and that we were leaving now. I was sobering up a bit now, that guy pretty much did it all. The whole car ride home I was shaking, and I mean shaking. Teeth trembling, I was like an earthquake. I wasn't cold...just in a coma state. I got home and I went straight to bad, I woke up the next day with a bad migraine and I didn't think of what happened the night before. Then two days ago it all came back to me. I've been literally crying ever since. And then I'm in some outpatient ED center. That's another story, but I'm just so scared. Pregnant? STDS?! Ohmygod.... ):
It hurt, it still kinda does, but it hurt soo bad. And I don't know what to do. I haven't had my period in about five months, but I just got it yesterday, does that mean anything!?!!??!? I don't knoww.
I'm never drinking again. Never ever I swear. I'm never being around guys like that, neverr ever again. I didn't tell anyone, I mean, if I do my mom will never let me go to my dad's again. And I was planning on moving in there, like soon. About this inpatient shit, I don't know. I have to go there with my mom and eat and shit. I refused to go today, I went in but ran out and then the cops came and I was forced into a hospital again. If I didn't agree to go back to the center for treatment, I'd have to go to another state and be hospitalized there...so I just agreed to go back. I guess I have an appointment tomorrow at 330, my mom just said. FUCK. I don't wannntto do it. ): I have so much other shit going on right now. This weekend I was going to run away to my dads. I hate my mom, I hate her. Years I've put up with her shit but if I get the cops called on me for defending myself against her and having it be called domestic violence on my behalf, then fuck it. I hate her and I can't put up with another day here.

God, if you're up there, please just help me. Please...you're all I've got now. No friends, barely any family, nothing.
I'm at my hardest point in life right now, my lowest low. And I need to get back up. Please God, just help me back up...please...and help me keep the tears in for just one day, please. ):

probation and whats on my mind.

I hate that word. It makes me feel restricted, oh wait that's because I AM.
):
I have to stop for at least two weeks. After all these counseling and doctor appointments are over, here I come Ana. Bye bulimia, hopefully.
I was forced into the hospital Wednesday night. Mother called the sheriff dept. on me because I wouldn't go with her. Got put in an ambulance, I just walked out of the house without resisting because they said they'd 'put me into custody if I refuse'. How great. Fucking mother, I hate her, I really do. She's been nothing to me my whole life. All she does is drink and drink and pop pills and fucking drink more. Then she'll grab me and throw me around, and just keep pounding on me, over and over again. I can't take it anymore. Everyone at school knows, everyone sees the bruises on my arms. They're in the shape of fucking hand prints! Then the next day she'll ask me, "how did you get those bruises!?"
And I say "YOU!"
But she always replies, (well slaps me first) "what the fuck, I didn't do that to you. You did this to yourself!?!"
"...yeah mom, I did."
So I went to counseling for bruising myself. Almost went to the psych ward then too.
Welcome to my life.
Every single day of that, kinda makes you a little crazy inside. And for the longest time I thought that was normal. I thought my mom was supposed to call me a cow, a bitch, a little fucking whore, "you son of a bitch!" ... and so on.
People know I lie about it, people know the truth. And my mom's almost 50 years old already, how she manages to do all this is still a mystery to me. I've told people she's an alcoholic and I've said it to her face many of times. She makes up excuses and changes the subject, drinks in private now hiding it all out in the garage, and she stopped my counseling after the second visit because I said she's an alcoholic.
"Oh Megan, I'll stop drinking. This is my last time, I won't ever do it again."
The next day she's wasted. But see, I wouldn't mind if she was nice or funny when she's drunk, but she's just straight up mean. And once in a while is understandable, but not seven days a week.
I'm at my dad's right now, I was going to move in here but I don't think I will anymore. I even packed up all my shit which was one small box and took everything down off my walls and such. I was seriously going to leave. But I don't think I will. My mom needs me, and if I'm not there all the time to clean up her vomiting in the bathroom or help her into bed when she's passed out in the front yard, she'd prolly die. I don't know what to do, I'm going into counseling and hopefully I can get all this out and put it away and never have to bring it up again. But it happens every night, every day. She's drunk by eight in the morning!
What should I do? I don't know. Counseling doesn't work, I've tried it.
I can wait three more years 'til I'm eighteen. After that, I'll never have to see her again.

Another thing that's on my mind is my like besfriend, so I thought. Remember a while ago I posted something about her taking me to Ocean City, Maryland this summer? And I was debating on whether or not I should go? Well I really wanted to, and she told me that we would go. But no. I texted her one night saying "Heyy wanna hang out tonight?" and she replied "Sorry, I'm busy with my family right now, maybe next Tuesday?" I said yeahh sure, thinking it's weird she's 'busy with her family' and I have to wait a whole week to hang out with her? She's never been that shady before. So I go online, and her other BESTFRIEND wrote her status as "Going to Ocean City with xxx, be back Monday night!"
What. The hell.

She didn't even tell me. I had to find out from someone else. I mean I wouldn't be mad if she would of just told me. Actually I'm not really mad at all, just super upset. I don't understand like why she'd keep it all from me, I don't know...but then she wanted to hang out except it was the day after my mom found the bags in my room, so I was under house arrest basically. But that day my mom was at work so I biked over to her house because I didn't have my phone and I know she would of flipped out if I didn't reply, but she lives like two minutes away. And she was so tan, like I needed to read the status to realize whats going on. And she had a henna tattoo on her chest, which is exactly what she said she'll do when 'we' go down to Ocean City. And she added "(her besfriend xx)and I got matching ones!" I didn't say anything, but I really want to say "When were you going to tell me?"
I don't know, she's just so retarded. We only hung out once all summer, and I'm planning on it being the only time. I'm done with her, she never talks to me so I don't talk to her. Dumb fucking ass cunts some girls can be, I can never trust 'em. I never will, never ever again.

Well I'm done rambling on about this, thanks for taking out your guy's time to know what my life is, hah.

I'm just staying strong. If I wasn't mentally stable right now, I'd be an emotional wreck. I feel it coming on soon, a break down with a bajillion tears. But I'll save it for a night that I can cry myself to sleep. Speaking of which, I only got two hours of sleep last night. I can't sleep, like ever. I only get a few hours of sleep yet I'm up late again the next night! Like we're talking 2-3am and waking up by 4-5am! I can't fall back asleep. It's been going on for a week now and I can feel the dark bags just wanting to come through under my eyes, haha.

Well I'm done now, thanks <3