For once I wish I could just loose this disgusting disease. I don't wanna keep binging then purging then starving then binging and purging. I need help but I don't want it. I've had it before and they pushed me too far, and I couldn't take it. I'm not going to listen to anyone but my own self in this, because other people don't understand this shit. Whatever.
So last night I was supposed to hang out with N ♥. But of course he chooses this tiny beautiful girl over me. She's like not even five feet tall, so tiny and pretty and I guess just amazing. I wish I could be like that, just for once. I wish I could mean a lot to someone, I wish that someone was N. He's all I look for in a guy, and all the shit he's said to me, like damn. Is he lying? I don't know what to believe anymore. Another relationship is fucked up. Woooo.
Time to purge and then starve and not eat. My throat hurts so fucking bad, ugh. Fuck today and last night and my mom and my disgusting fat self. I'll show everyone what this girl is made of. Fuck you world, you can't control me. You can't make me shove food down my throat anymore or make me purge. I just won't eat because I'm going to get selfcontrol. I don't need anyone in my life either, just me, myself, and I. That's all I need. :(
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
if only they knew
What am I doing? No matter how hard I try, I can't beat this. It's the same relapse, over and over and over again. It's not fair. Then again, nothing in life is fair. No one in life is perfect. But I don't believe that for some reason that I'll maybe never know. Monday is Valentine's Day, the day I dread so much because I'll never be skinny enough or pretty enough to be with any guy. Haven't had a 'valentine' for four years. Probably won't change for another forty.
I hate winter. I hate this month, I hate this year. I want to just be happy, inside and out. I want my internal side to be as glowing as my external side is. But bulima makes it disgusting; I'm practically killing myself and I don't seem to care?
Ahhh, of course the sun comes out when I run back inside. I wish summer was here. I want to lay out for hours, feel my bones, get tan, lay in the grass, feel light as air, wear big dresses that hide my bones, feel my hair blowing in the breeze..
This summer I'm not going back to rehab. Nope. I'm going out every night, I'm going to live. Lay on the beach, do whatever the hell I want. Nathan and I have been talking for a few weeks now, I just hope all of our summer plans actually carry out. ♥
He said he wants to take me to the beach, the light house, bring me to Canada, go to Ceder Point, and vent everything to each other. I'm falling for this boy, falling hard. He says that I'm really pretty, he makes little remarks about wanting to marry me or have children with me. Just cute stuff, that I haven't had in a while.
My mind changes quickly now, maybe it's the medication. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm still fighting every day, that I give up every day and want to start again tomorrow, how I don't want to have bulima anymore yet I don't want to be fat and can't stand keeping food down. I ask God every day why I have this in my life. He hasn't replied yet, but I'm waiting for the day that he does.
Summer times are killin' me. I just want to be free.. ♥
I hate winter. I hate this month, I hate this year. I want to just be happy, inside and out. I want my internal side to be as glowing as my external side is. But bulima makes it disgusting; I'm practically killing myself and I don't seem to care?
Ahhh, of course the sun comes out when I run back inside. I wish summer was here. I want to lay out for hours, feel my bones, get tan, lay in the grass, feel light as air, wear big dresses that hide my bones, feel my hair blowing in the breeze..
This summer I'm not going back to rehab. Nope. I'm going out every night, I'm going to live. Lay on the beach, do whatever the hell I want. Nathan and I have been talking for a few weeks now, I just hope all of our summer plans actually carry out. ♥
He said he wants to take me to the beach, the light house, bring me to Canada, go to Ceder Point, and vent everything to each other. I'm falling for this boy, falling hard. He says that I'm really pretty, he makes little remarks about wanting to marry me or have children with me. Just cute stuff, that I haven't had in a while.
My mind changes quickly now, maybe it's the medication. I don't know what else to say, except that I'm still fighting every day, that I give up every day and want to start again tomorrow, how I don't want to have bulima anymore yet I don't want to be fat and can't stand keeping food down. I ask God every day why I have this in my life. He hasn't replied yet, but I'm waiting for the day that he does.
Summer times are killin' me. I just want to be free.. ♥
Sunday, January 2, 2011
the beginning.
today is a new day, a new start. i want to be well and i cant live like this anymore. i want my life back, i want to hear only my voice inside my head. no more negativity, no more behaviors. im taking my life back.
i'm getting out, peace ♥
i'm getting out, peace ♥
Saturday, January 1, 2011
A New Year
Well Happy New Year first of all. I hope everyone had just a swell time last night, as I did. :]
Haha well, I go back to school on Monday. Can't wait to hear all the shit people are going to tell me! Fucckk it dood, like forr real. I don't are what they gonna say. I go to shool for me, and that's it. No guys there are the least bit interested in me, so why bother trying.
Hopefully I'm getting two eighths tomorrow, I ♥ Budd! :]
Or if not then I'll start working out, I've got to get into shape for softball.
I'm at my grandma's house right now, and I really wish I brought a book to read. Does anyone know of any good inspiring authors? Like Dr. Wayne Dyer, his books are so amazing about inner peae and spirituality. If you know of anyone else who is good, please do let me know! :]
My resolution is to keep this updated as much as possible, at least five days a week. I want this year to be my recovery. I want to keep track of everything and how I'm feeling. Last night I ate and kept it in me. My mom showed up last night yelling at me about my recent potassium test I had to take. 3.3 when it should be a 4.0 and anything below a four I could go into caridiacarrest, and I don't want that.
I want to be well. I want to fight this, and I know I can't do it alone. Anyone with me?
Haha well, I go back to school on Monday. Can't wait to hear all the shit people are going to tell me! Fucckk it dood, like forr real. I don't are what they gonna say. I go to shool for me, and that's it. No guys there are the least bit interested in me, so why bother trying.
Hopefully I'm getting two eighths tomorrow, I ♥ Budd! :]
Or if not then I'll start working out, I've got to get into shape for softball.
I'm at my grandma's house right now, and I really wish I brought a book to read. Does anyone know of any good inspiring authors? Like Dr. Wayne Dyer, his books are so amazing about inner peae and spirituality. If you know of anyone else who is good, please do let me know! :]
My resolution is to keep this updated as much as possible, at least five days a week. I want this year to be my recovery. I want to keep track of everything and how I'm feeling. Last night I ate and kept it in me. My mom showed up last night yelling at me about my recent potassium test I had to take. 3.3 when it should be a 4.0 and anything below a four I could go into caridiacarrest, and I don't want that.
I want to be well. I want to fight this, and I know I can't do it alone. Anyone with me?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Knowing vs. Believing: part I
Speak with your heart.
I believe if you speak with your mind, it's just thinking and believing. With believing, there is always doubt. But with your heart, you know. And knowing is stronger than believing. There is never and doubt with knowing. Think about that.
This morning I came across this article on my AOL homepage;
With Love, Teens Face a Deadly Diagnosis
I read the whole thing, and it brought tears to my eyes. Here's a link and I hope you all read it and it touches you the same way it touched me.
http://www.aolnews.com/2010/12/18/with-love-sabrina-parker-and-matt-scozzari-face-a-deadly-diagno/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk3%7C32265
We're all starving for one thing; to be thin. It's the most important thing in our minds, we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people's views of ourselves, our bodies. But we are not our bodies. We are so much greater, so much more powerful than this body God put us in. There is a higher strength inside of us waiting to be shown, ready to be let out and loved and seen. But no one knows it.
Like I said in the first paragraph, knowing vs. believing. "..we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people.." Do you not see this? There is always doubt with beliefs, I can't stress that enough. In reality, we know that we don't have to prove anything to anyone else. We can be ourselves, we can be free. Why don't we chose this path? Simply because we are not able to release our pasts; release the fact of what we grew up believing, verses what we are growing to know.
I want to be well. I'm sure no one wants to live with this eating disorder, let alone...die with it. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Last night I was reading, and it's funny how one night can change your whole life. God spoke to me; not because I believe in him, no no. I no longer believe in him, because every crisis that I had in my life I believed he'd be there for me. Turns out, he wasn't. It wasn't until last night I stopped believing and started knowing.
If you know something, there is no doubt. I know God, and with that said I no longer can have doubt that he is there. ♥
What I also stumbled upon in my reading, what a small little paragraph about eating disorders. I wish I never read it, because I started to cry as I finished. It's the harsh truth, and I want to share it with all of you.
"Eating disorders. Most eating disorders are, initially, efforts to meet a standard of appearance that someone believes will bring happiness. Ego has convinced people with eating disorders that their true essence is located in the value of their appearance to others.
These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Take a second to take all of that in. Noticed in the very first sentence, the word 'believe'. (Belief always always always = doubt.) We believe that this is a way of life, a lifestyle, a disease, a way to lose weight. But we are wrong. There is doubt in our minds with that said. Please don't believe it anymore, and don't simply know it just to manipulate what I said.
Also, read that last sentence again.
"These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
We're killing ourselves. It's not healthy. We're dying one day, one minute, one second at a time. Soon enough we won't have a second or a minute to realize this. I want you all to be well too. It breaks my heart to see what I've done to myself, what everyone is doing to themselves. I may seem hypocritical at times, but that was before I stopped believing. Just know, in your hearts, in this very present moment, that this is not right. You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again.
To go back to the link I posted above, look at her. She's our 'goal weight' and she is dying. Not only from her disease, but look at her body. Do you really want to look like that? You believe you do, but you know you don't. It's only when you choose to let go of your beliefs you begin to know and realize what life truly is.
I hope, that in some way, this has changed you. Last night my life changed completely. I want to be well, and I know all of you do too. It's only a matter of time for one to realize believing vs. knowing.
Take care everyone, my best wishes for you all. ♥
-Megan B.
I believe if you speak with your mind, it's just thinking and believing. With believing, there is always doubt. But with your heart, you know. And knowing is stronger than believing. There is never and doubt with knowing. Think about that.
This morning I came across this article on my AOL homepage;
With Love, Teens Face a Deadly Diagnosis
I read the whole thing, and it brought tears to my eyes. Here's a link and I hope you all read it and it touches you the same way it touched me.
http://www.aolnews.com/2010/12/18/with-love-sabrina-parker-and-matt-scozzari-face-a-deadly-diagno/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk3%7C32265
We're all starving for one thing; to be thin. It's the most important thing in our minds, we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people's views of ourselves, our bodies. But we are not our bodies. We are so much greater, so much more powerful than this body God put us in. There is a higher strength inside of us waiting to be shown, ready to be let out and loved and seen. But no one knows it.
Like I said in the first paragraph, knowing vs. believing. "..we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people.." Do you not see this? There is always doubt with beliefs, I can't stress that enough. In reality, we know that we don't have to prove anything to anyone else. We can be ourselves, we can be free. Why don't we chose this path? Simply because we are not able to release our pasts; release the fact of what we grew up believing, verses what we are growing to know.
I want to be well. I'm sure no one wants to live with this eating disorder, let alone...die with it. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Last night I was reading, and it's funny how one night can change your whole life. God spoke to me; not because I believe in him, no no. I no longer believe in him, because every crisis that I had in my life I believed he'd be there for me. Turns out, he wasn't. It wasn't until last night I stopped believing and started knowing.
If you know something, there is no doubt. I know God, and with that said I no longer can have doubt that he is there. ♥
What I also stumbled upon in my reading, what a small little paragraph about eating disorders. I wish I never read it, because I started to cry as I finished. It's the harsh truth, and I want to share it with all of you.
"Eating disorders. Most eating disorders are, initially, efforts to meet a standard of appearance that someone believes will bring happiness. Ego has convinced people with eating disorders that their true essence is located in the value of their appearance to others.
These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer
Take a second to take all of that in. Noticed in the very first sentence, the word 'believe'. (Belief always always always = doubt.) We believe that this is a way of life, a lifestyle, a disease, a way to lose weight. But we are wrong. There is doubt in our minds with that said. Please don't believe it anymore, and don't simply know it just to manipulate what I said.
Also, read that last sentence again.
"These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
We're killing ourselves. It's not healthy. We're dying one day, one minute, one second at a time. Soon enough we won't have a second or a minute to realize this. I want you all to be well too. It breaks my heart to see what I've done to myself, what everyone is doing to themselves. I may seem hypocritical at times, but that was before I stopped believing. Just know, in your hearts, in this very present moment, that this is not right. You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again.
To go back to the link I posted above, look at her. She's our 'goal weight' and she is dying. Not only from her disease, but look at her body. Do you really want to look like that? You believe you do, but you know you don't. It's only when you choose to let go of your beliefs you begin to know and realize what life truly is.
I hope, that in some way, this has changed you. Last night my life changed completely. I want to be well, and I know all of you do too. It's only a matter of time for one to realize believing vs. knowing.
Take care everyone, my best wishes for you all. ♥
-Megan B.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
As we speak;
I'm eating and eating and eating. Just took another bite of melted cheese on tortilla chips. It tastes so good, but I want to get it up. Hopefully I can, later. I don't want this many grams of fat in me. :[ Ugh. Why is this all that I care about? Getting fat; loosing weight; bones sticking out; working out; loosing more weight; loosing more and mroe weight. It's an obsession. It's like I have no control over myself. Fuck. I'm getting this all up later, I can't deal with this. Tomorrow I am fasting, I know I can do it. This morning I woke up and was crazing eggs, so I made eight over easy ones with cheese (as you can probably tell I am a cheese freak) and I wasn't even hungry. As I was melting the butter in the pan I was saying to myself, "Why am I doing this? I'm not hungry, please stop! Stop! STOP!" And of course I did not stop. But tomorrow I am going to have much more self control; I know I will.
Well my little baby Josie is sleeping on my left, fat as hell thigh. She's so cute, she's slowing sliding off haha. I'm gonna go slowing eat more and more, for food will be the death of me.
Well my little baby Josie is sleeping on my left, fat as hell thigh. She's so cute, she's slowing sliding off haha. I'm gonna go slowing eat more and more, for food will be the death of me.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Oh how these days just seem to flyy byy.
The first day of December and it snows. Not that I like the snow, but it's anyone's ideal December. I pierced my belly button last night. :] It's pretty sweet.
I feel like writing something actually worthy of reading, you know? I want this to be like a fun project blog, instead of only focusing on negative body and eating related objectives. Maybe one day I can do this.
Mom found out about my purges, again. Potassium came back @ 3.3 when it should be above a 4.0. Put on potassium pills. Ugh.
Depression strikes again. Byee.
I feel like writing something actually worthy of reading, you know? I want this to be like a fun project blog, instead of only focusing on negative body and eating related objectives. Maybe one day I can do this.
Mom found out about my purges, again. Potassium came back @ 3.3 when it should be above a 4.0. Put on potassium pills. Ugh.
Depression strikes again. Byee.
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