New & Improved

I need something different, I need a change. I'm going to devote myself to this blog, to the very best ability I can. I want somewhere to call home, and every time I find myself posting on here, I feel stable. So, therefore I am going to write at least every day. It's something I'm going to do for myself, I want to remember all the stupid shit I've done (haha) and every little thing about my days.

Starting off, last night a lot went down. I called the cops on my mom. 7:30 pm; comes in my room, yelling and drunk off her ass, grabs me by the hair and shakes me. I don't do anything but push her off me and I said don't touch me. After more of her random outbursts she left, and I laid in bed, talking to Mitchel. Of course, two hours later she comes back in, and I've just had it. She's asking for my phone, yes my phone, she's not paying for it, and I told her she has no right to take it. More yelling happens, whatever, and as soon as she walks out of my room the door closes behind her and I jump up and slam it shut. Apparently she was right on the other side and I broke her glasses or something. I hold the door for like three minutes until she finally lets go so I can lock it and then I call the cops. When they came they knew she was intoxicated, but they don't do anything. They told me to call my dad, I did twice, and he didn't answer so I was stuck home with her for the night. The cops asked her what it would take for her to leave me alone and she said she wants my phone. I have no choice, so I handed the officer my phone, and then they leave. We don't have a house phone, only cell phones and that's why my phone is so important to me. She wasn't supposed to talk to me or anything the rest of the night, so I lock my door and go to bed. She's yelling at me through the door, swearing, calling me every name you could think of. Then she takes my door handle off? What the hell! I'm upset and crying and everything. Ugh! I just hate her! I prayed my heart out last night too. I wanted to die so bad. And I look this morning and my arms are covered in bruises. I only told the cops she grabbed my hair, didn't mention anything about her hitting me and grabbing me, what else is new. Not like they'd do jack shit anyways. ):
So that was my night. Yup, sounded great, doesn't it? So I was stuck home all day, thank God she was at work, without a phone. No one to talk to. I don't know what to do. I'm stressin' about school and this whole situation with court...I don't know what I'm going to do. If I get expelled, I'm moving in with my dad, hands down. If I don't, then fuck it. Honestly I don't know anymore. I have no control over anything anymore. And I've lost ten pounds again, and it doesn't help I have to gain it all back again by November 30th for my appointment.
I have terrible migrain, so I'm going to go. I'll write tomorrow, a promise to myself. Well only if I can, because my mom's going to be home..

Ten Days

SUSPENDED! Haha yup, ten days. I supposedly was selling pills; not ture. Then I guess I had bacardi in my locker? And Vodka in my gatorade. I didn't even have gatorade. Oh silly little bitches, now I might be expelled. Just what I fucking need. Weight's still fluctuating. ): Blood test again in a few weeks and I have to pass to finally just get away with all these people. Ahhh. Well I'm done here.

BEST NIGHT.

I lovee my cousin Brittany ♥
Last night we went out, played some beer pong, smoked a bong, ahhh (:
I met this super cute guy, Gene. He's 23 though...and thinks I'm 18! Haha we had to make up a story for me because I was around all twenty year olds and there wasn't supposed to be any minors there! But I don't know what to do anymore..I really fucking like this kid. Britt and I gotta hangout again.
Madison and I are becoming really good friends, (: we have fun. Hahahah I luhhhhh her ♥
Next weekend we fuckin' hanging out, hopefuly the wholeeee weekend. We do percasets, ativan, valume, vistiril, and vicodin. Helllz yeeah son! :D hahaha wow I'm terrible.
But I think I'm going to stop smoking weed and shit, I honestly just feel sick from it. And no more beer for me, I'm such a light weight it's terrrribleeee.! Hahah no but Gene, ♥ Oh my goodness. Thisss fuckinggg suckksssss. I wish I didn't lie about my age, I seriously would do anything for that guy, he is such a nice guy. Not only because I was fucked up eitherr, he is GOOD! (: Has a rough past, but doesn't everyone? I don't know..Damn damn damn damn damn damn. I like him soososoooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Well sorry. I just had the best night of my life, kinda. No I did, yep yep.(:
And I'm back in the 120's! I just have to pass a potassium blood test somehow and be 135 next time I go to see my ED specialist BITCH and Imma be on my way back to 110! ♥
This time I won't get caught either. I know I won't.
Life is fucking great. Nice guys, oh and they all thought I actually look 18-19! And they said I was sooo fucking prettty and gorgeous and I just felt so good about myself, like I never ever everr have before. :D no guys ever say that to me in school, except like the weirdos or this one james kid who had sex with my best friend and dated her for a while and now hates her and is 'in love' with me and wants picturees and shit. I don't do that. I even told him! BUT NO! Of course he won't leave it alone.
ANYWAYS. Immma go. I'm in such a good mood. (: Gene! ♥ :D
ifoeuboufneuofoecfenf lovee youu alll sweeties,(:

No Name,

Today I get to meet with the eating disorder people :D

WOOOOHOOO.

Yeah, fucking right. I hate it!

Uhhhhgggghh. Last night I broke down. I'm like back in the 130's, with clothes on. And I couldn't stop crying last night. All my hard work, everything I've done, for nothing? This is a fact that I'll forever be fat and ugly and disgusting and huge. Nothing fits right anymore, and I'm convinced others can see it too. ): But I have to pass my blood test Thursday, so I don't know what to do. As much as I want to throw my insides up, I can't. But after Thursday, look out. I'm restricting and if I do eat, I'm getting it all out and then more. I'll work out until I pass out. I'm pushing myself to no end. Even if I have no energy for school, I don't care. At least I'll be the one gaining self control which doesn't weigh an ounce. I've never been so serious about something my whole life, and this time I will not fail. I'm only smarter now, and more wiser and cautious about being caught. I won't get caught. I'll go about it all again and this time I'll loose even more. I know how to get past these people, I know all the right things to say. I'll show you Charlotte, you won't even know what hit you when I show up next month.

Well, I don't know what else to say. It's Monday! And I should be in school but I feel literally so sick. Nothing ED related either, just the normal fall time flu.
I'm going to get going now, cleaning helps me distract a lot and I love it. <3

I feel like I'm failing you all..

I honestly feel like I have no right to write here anymore. I've been debating for the past weeks on whether I should or not, because my progress hasn't been so good. I'm out of rehab, but I still have to go back every now and then. November first is my next date. I had a blood test Thursday, my mom got my results back and my potassium is at 3.8 when it should be a 4.0 at the very lowest! So she flipped out on me, yeah. I don't know what my weight is and I am absolutely terrified to go check it, but I am going to today. ): Ugghh..I don't know. I'm flabby, all over. I'm going to work out today, and fuck eating. I really don't give a shit about this recovery shit anymore. I'm NOT going to gain weight anymore. Screw you Charlotte, you can go shove it up someones ass who cares, because I DON'T!
Sorry.
So Monday my mom has a meeting with social workers, Charlotte, my dad, lawyers and it's all court ordered because of everything I told the social workers. They're finally doing something about it. My dad wants custody of me and he's going to fight for it. I did a lot better in my 'recovery' at my dad's, and Charlotte doesn't really like my mom either, so obviously she's going to be on my dad's side. And whatever happens, I have no say in. I might have to go live with him this week, I don't know. It's all court ordered so I really do have to do it. I hate this.
Enough about my retarded life, how is everyone? Not updating this makes me feel like I'm missing something, and I hate not being able to talk to you guys. ): Well, yeah. That's all I wanted to say, for now at least. Hmmm..well, thanks for your time, it really does mean a lot.

Eight Days Ago.

Haha I don't know, needed a catchy title.
So rehab; I gotta gain a few pounds and then I'll be free to go back to my ways. Once they stop watching me this fat is coming allllllll off. FUCK YEAH!
Hahah
I've been waking up at 3:05 every morning for the past few weeks now. Feels good. (:
How's everyone doing? Last night was amazing. Went to my friend's show (he's in a band) and it was absolutely amazing. ♥
Ahhhhh
not much else to say. I'm feeling inspired, so I might go clean my room.
Hahah bye loveliess ♥

untitled.

So please please please don't wait for me,

I'm done with love. It always seems to just punch you in the face. And I feel like crying for hours because of last night. ):
Screw guys, that's all I have to say. Alex and I are done. OVER. From the start, I mean come on. Every single time, this happens.
I wish I could find the most perfect man for me one day. And soon, please!
God, fuck this. I'm going to go write...