another day.

I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay.

It's not working too well.
So I have to gain weight, and if I don't I'll be in the in-patient program again.
No.
I'm not going back in there. It's bad enough with my out-patient program I'm doing, supervised by my mother. Which she's not doing very well at because I'm binging and purging right in front of her, yet she doesn't realize it because the alcohol fills her veins and takes her away. But I'm okay, only a few new bruises. And I think it's normal? I don't know what normal even is anymore...
One more week. I'm moving out unconditionally. I'm not signing another two week contract to be stuck with my mom. no No NO. I have so much dislike for her, I can't stand being here another minute. She goes through everything in my room every day and she leaves it a mess, claiming ''you have all day to put everything back how you had it.'' Really mom, really? Then I can't even sit down and watch television because ''I'm wasting electricity.'' But what are you doing right now? Doesn't make much sense to me...doesn't seem too fair to me either.
And do you guys want to hear another sad thing? I secretly borrowed my mother's phone today (she turned mine off) and called my dad. We were talking for a little bit, and he knows that I want to live with him, he even told me that I could. But I don't know if he was sober when he said any of that because he never mentions it anymore. And maybe I'm just paranoid about all of this, or maybe I just need to speak up. But the sad thing is, when I told him how much I hated living here today he just replied, "what do you want me to do?'' ...
Like, should I have straight up said it? Dad I want you to come pick up my stuff so that I can move in with you. But I shed a tear or two...and just said "I don't know." The most common three words that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. Whatever. I can't rely on anyone in this world. But I'm going to move in with my dad, because if I don't, I'll never have a life. And if I don't have a life, I'll never be free. And I want to be free.

So I'm putting on the pounds, 127 I do believe. Ew. My stomach bulges out like a baby is growing in me. Oh wait, that's right. There probably is. ):
I got sick one morning. I don't know if it was just me purging, or legit throwing up. Kinda hard to tell. But I did feel sick to my stomach, and maybe I'm just saying that it was all in my head. Who knows.
I stopped taking those meds. Except the ativan, that shits legit. Makes me forget everything. I should start selling it, aha. Kidding; I need some humor right now. Please, someone just give me strength...

giygiufiuhdo8e3ujr5.

I don't care anymore. I have to get out of here, my mom's that is. When I was at my dad's this weekend, I got away with so much. Like it's not even funny, and my mom even told him what to do. God, I love my dad. I just have to move in with him. I don't care what it takes, I have to do it. My mom says it's going to cost money for lawyers and court things but I don't care. I need this. I need it more than anything. My ED was happy there, and so was I. I'm going to do this. Sorry mom, but I am going to move out. And when I came home today, I unpacked all of my boxes and books and stuff and set back up my room as I had it, because I thought I didn't want to move out. But I don't care, I'll pack it all back up again, like I've done many of times already.
Hmmm...my friend Amanda is coming over tomorrow. She understands me so much, like everything that's going on. She says she has the same things going on with her too; the voices in her head telling her not to eat, and etc. She did loose so much weight, she's literally a stick now. But she doesn't feel that way, and as she tells me I'm a stick, I don't at all feel that way. I'm so bloated right now, my stomach sticks out so much - it looks like I have a balloon under my skin. Ugh. I want to loose this all so bad, like right now! ): But that can' happen just yet. After these two weeks of fucking absolute hell are up, I am moving out, like it's legit. Well I don't know what else to say. I haven't weighed myself in a week, and I have no intent in doing so. Fuck this, and fuck you mom. Go drink yourself to death, because that's exactly what you're doing.
):
Fuck,.

FRRREEEEEE. for now.

So I got my way outtta day treatment. But my mother has to watch me for the next two weeks and I have to gain 1/2 lbs. a week. nott too bad, i'm not worrying.
i've decided that i am going to live with my dad, and um yeah. i think i'm going to get home schooled for the year, like online classes. or maybe even just one semester, i don't know yet. but enough time to get back down to my size, in a kinda healthier way? and so i can get a job and earn some moneeyyy! like i need money. and to buy a car/insurance. yesyesyes.
hmmmmm...yeah so i don't know my weight right now, and i don't really wannntto know it. but imma gain all the weight back, maybe up to like 129. ugh. but then i'll move out, hopefully they won't monitor me anymore, but yeah. it sucks dood. don't everrrrr get caught, like omg. it so unbelievably sucks.
well i don't know what else to say.
this life is put on hold for a little bit.
two weeks. or longer, i don'tknow.
i just wanna get outta my mom's house. please.
i'll try to keep this updated more now that i'm home, then again, i don't know what to really say. well, i hope you all are doing weelll. i love all you guys. <33 stay strong for me.

finished every last bite.

but i 'purged' it all back up.
where is thsi getting me?
i hate the word 'purge'.
they say things like "the urge to purge."
it makes me laugh.
i've been bs-ing my way outtta there.
they said i have to gain weight (OKAY! i can always lose it again! )
and just see if it helps me in a week.
so gotta finish this week and by next tuesday i should be out.
i gotta drink waterr a lot of it on weigh in days, which are scheduled tuesdays and fridays. i'm 116.2.
116.2
116.2
116.4
116.9
122
127
128
129.7
135.6


i don't want to go back to that.
do they not understand? ):
no they fucking dont, i don't think anyone does.
godd. please god just help me.
in group we use this skill called distraction to take our minds off what we just ate and what not, and i make hemp bracelets and such.
my wholee left wrist is covereddd.
my right just has like two.
nothiing cool there,

so i'm on prozac now. i read on the label, do not take if pregnant.
i asked why and they said it could kill the fetus. or really badly harm it.
hopefully if i am and prozac effects it, it'll just die asap. no harm, no pain.
please god, forgive me for doing this, forgive me for all of this. they try to tell me its not my fault, but then who the fucks fault is it then,
oh no, OF COURSE NOT MY EATING DISORDER. OR ME,
toottalllly not,
whatever fuck this.
i'm also on ativan - anxiety and shit.
i'm trippin' balls on one mg, think if i take another, accidentlyl. (L:l
that was supposted to be a smiley.
omg
im so outta it.
god. plaease just help me.
please please please

jnwdwj
... ):egb '[

i can't do this anymore.

today was my first day at fucking rehab. sounded easy, sure. but not when you have a mother who packs you a lunch that could feed four. ): and they made me eat it all. i couldn't even leave little pieces of salt or needle tip sized crumbs on the plate, LITERALLY! like are you fucking shitting me? and i couldn't peel the crust off of my sandwhich which my mother secretly packed. bitch bitch bicth! i'm sooo moving out as soon as i can get outta there. and they put me on two new meds; prozac and some anxiety control. the anxiety shit should make me feel numb, and if i oh say, ACCIDENTLY took two...maybe three...i'd be pretty fucked up. thats what i really need. but i'm sure my mother will limit me on them. jiewhrfiownfdliewnflrvew
rf
fuck this, fuck everything.
i'm seriously done.
she wants to eat dinner together, yeah right.
she;s leaving now to get my meds, and i'm going to binge and purge.
fuck you mother, FUCK YOU.

chills on my neck and it makes me smile.

another day. today went better actually, at least i have to say so. i ate a veggie burger, and another, then a hot dog, then a hamburger, then a cupcake...and after all that, i thought to myself, "i DON'T feel like wanting to get it up." like, i was happy even though i ate all that. it was weird. but i ended up getting it up anyways. but i'm getting there, hopfeully. tomorrow is my first appointment, i have to eat lunch and snacks there? i don't care. i mean, they expect me to freak out and throw it up, but i won't. i'll play it cool, and as far as they're concerned, my last binge/purge was two weeks ago as of today. haha whateverrr. well i'm back down to 113! woo, until tomorrow. /: honestly, who the fuck cares. i'm not a model, i'm not pretty, so what does it matter if i'm skinny? ): whateverr,er,epfmeimgfiedmwefmlegv
imma get goin'. have a goodnighhhtt everyone.



currently listening to; summertime clothes by animal collective. <3

two little boxes that hold all of my life.

ive finally got everything all packed up. not that i'm going anywhere, anytime sooon.
i'm moving out of my mothers house as soon as these out-patient appoinments end. helllloo father. he doesn't even know yet, and neither does she. oh god, who knows whats going to happen when she finds out. i know he'll be understanding and accepting, something i truly need for once. enough he / she this and that...
well i'm going to fake my way through my classes, eat and shit, no bad food thoughts, no purging, nothiiiinnnnngg. that should run me hopefully only three weeks, maybe some follow up sessions, but i don't know. i'm going to put on some weight, and i'm terrified. i'm back down to 113.5 and i'm sososoo happy. but come monday, they'll weigh me. no wait, tuesdays and fridays it is. and i read in the booklet they gave me that i'll be in a given hospital gown, meaning my jeans and clothes can't weight me down. time to stuff the bra though! aha. idk whatt i'm going to do. i'm going to stop looking at the scale until i'm done. and maybe i will fully recover from all of this. i hope i do, i hope i don't. my mom just told me today that i'm killing myself. what else is new. fioenfinfr
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xc i
i fucking hateee her. damnnnnit.
even when i'm home and she 'monitors' me eating and such, i still get away with binging and purging! and its pretttty damn obvious too! i don't knoww, whatever.
one day at a time, one day at a timee....
i'm going to get goingg, i'm supposed to go out with my dad tomorrow to some boat show? i'm going to tell him then. i just hope i have the courage to... /:
god i could use some legitshhhitt right now to feel numb. toooo much going on.
i'm feeling almost sick to my stomach and it's not the bulimia.
raqewjrdiwnrfignrtg
sorry,
byee. <3