i love blogging. :)

I'm feeling good right now, although I'm at 122. Do I even need to explain yesterday? Ahaha, four binges, four purges. But last night I looked up bulimia on Google because I want to see what I'm really doing to myself. I mean, I know my teeth are going to suck, my throat is swollen, etc. But I looked up how bulimia effects pregnancy, and what I found out was truly horrible. I want to have kids, many many many kids! Well not too many, haha but I just love them and want as many as I can take care of! But if I continue with this monster controlling me, I may not be able to have any. In severe bulimia cases they'll be blind or mentally retarded. They can be underweight, develope diabetes, and they'll have a good chance of having an eating disorder as well. I know I'm only fourteen, I don't want to have a baby until I'm like 25, but I don't want my children to come out...deformed. :( If they were mentally retarded or blind, I don't know what I'd do. I don't want to sound mean or selfish at all, but I don't want that. I couldn't handle it, I mean of course I'll love the child, but to live the rest of my life having to watch it extra carefully? I couldn't do that. I don'tknow. I'm going to stop binging and purging; unless I actually have to eat, I won't. And if I do, then well I'll most likely get it up, even if it's not that bad I still can't help myself. Today I'm doing really well though, only a cup of iced tea - 70 calories! :) I was praying for a lond time last night, I just asked God if he could help me out today. I don't want to die, I don't want my babies to be retarded, I just want to loose weight. For wanting just one thing, I get all these other horrible things. Ahhh, whatever. I'm fasting today, I'll try to not get over 100 cal.
I'm gaining strength, and I think I like it.