you've dug my grave, but i pushed you in.

It hurts, everything hurts. I'm an emotional train wreck, waiting to crash. And when I finally do crash, it's going to be a hard one. That doesn't even make sense. I don't know how much I weigh, I don't want to know how much I weigh. I can't bare to look at the scale. Binged and purged twice today, binged a third time just a little bit ago but I'm making myself keep this down. It was only boiled celery and carrots, like three helpings of it, and some chicken...okay a lot of chicken, I don't even know how much I just kept eating. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep living like this. My stomach doesn't want to cooperate with my purging, it really hurts. I miss Alyce, she was amazing. She was everything. Alyce was my ana buddy I met last year, she was like 110 % with me. Seriously, she was just absolutely wonderful. And it turned out we only lived like ten minutes away from each other! Oh, if only she knew I was down to the 120's, she'd be so proud. But we don't talk anymore. You know how you have an ana buddy, and then you slowly stop talking and then like months later you try to get in contact with them again? Well thats exactly what happened, and I don't know why but she won't reply to anything I say to her anymore. It really hurts, she was my #1 buddy, she was like my bestfriend. Honestly, she was the most helpful person ever, we'd fast together alllll the time. I try talking to her on myspace, but she won't reply. She won't reply to my texts either. /: It sucksss. But I have Ashley, another wonderful ana buddy. But we haven't talked in a while and honedtly I'm pretty ashamed of myself right now to tell her how I'm doing. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. Celery can't be that bad, right? But then I had chicken. Dammit. This week I'm going to loose five legit pounds. No matter what, no more fucking excuses. I know I was 121 before I ate, oh dear. I'm probably like 125 now, but it could be a lot of water from the celery? I don't know. I say 'I don't know' a lot. 420 is almost heree, but I don't think I can celebrate. Unless I stay home 'sick' and sneak out with Hope! My mom's working so it should be fine. Ahhh, I don't know. Pooopy, I get to see that teacher who called me fat tomorrow! How great! I don't even want to look at her. Sure I 'misunderstood' her but still, she saw my gross fat puffy red face from crying so much, ewwww! I hate this, I wanna be home-schooled sooo bad! I'd love to take online classes, that'd be fucking awesome. Not that it'll ever happen though. I feel like I'm rambling? Sorry. How are you guys? Last night was great. Smoked three bowls and two hits of a joint, I felt awesome. Then we had a couple smirnoff, yeeeaahh. I need more nights like those, A LOTTTT MORE. Well I don't know if I'm going to go vomit, aha. Probably not but it doesn't even matter anymore. I wanna get fucked up again, like dude, I don't even remember what happened. We were going to sneak out with a twenty-two year old, but he had other plans to go to the bar with his friends. Whateverrr, I was kinda afraid to do that. Hahah well at least I ended this blog on a good note. I really want more weed, damn. And alcohol, next weekend hopefully! But I promised to hang with my bestbestbestfriend I've mentioned before. I don't know, well I feel like this is too long, I'm sorry! Everyone have a good week now, I may not write as often again because of school, but I'll try to when I get the chance. Nighhhht, :)