not good, not good.

I didn't fast today, shame on me. :( binged and purged three times, THREE! I really wish I can stop doing this. But I'm still at 124. Colin and I made up today, but it doesn't feel right. Something's missing and I can't put my finger on it. I'm literally in love with him and I know he loves me too, but sometimes I think I'm putting too much into this while he doesn't try as hard..

Every time I purge now, I feel terribly sick after and I feel like this now. And after I drink my coffee in the morning I get sick, and just yesterday after I drank some tea I was really dizzy. It never happened before, but maybe it's just from the lack of food in me? Ohh well, I can suck it up.

I'm excited for next week, because I have a softball game every single day which means extra extra work outtt. :) I can definitely see myself getting down to maybe 116 by next Friday? It's a plan!
So there's been something on the back of my mind for a while now. My friend (the same one I went to the carnival with Wednesday) is taking me to Ocean City, Maryland over the summer like two weeks after school lets out. And we'll stay down there for like five days, and don't get me wrong, it sounds like soo much fun. I've never been out of state before, ever. And to see the ocean would be just beautiful, but I'm kinda debating whether or not I should go. She had to bring up the food, "there's amazing breakfasts at the hotel and we'll go out to eat pretty much every night.."
I told her to please not make me eat it, but she said it doesn't matter because it's a once in a while thing. NO! I'm just afraid her parents might make me eat a lot, especially her dad. Whenever I go out with her, her dad always always always buys me extra food, evern when I say NO THANK YOU! It's annoying! I wanted to tell her she can stuff her face if she wants but I'm not touching any greasy fattening food, but I didn't, hah. I don't want her to suspect too much. I don't know what to do about that, I'm still thinking everything over. But I'm going to go now, I need some water!