Knowing vs. Believing: part I

Speak with your heart.
I believe if you speak with your mind, it's just thinking and believing. With believing, there is always doubt. But with your heart, you know. And knowing is stronger than believing. There is never and doubt with knowing. Think about that.
This morning I came across this article on my AOL homepage;

With Love, Teens Face a Deadly Diagnosis

I read the whole thing, and it brought tears to my eyes. Here's a link and I hope you all read it and it touches you the same way it touched me.

http://www.aolnews.com/2010/12/18/with-love-sabrina-parker-and-matt-scozzari-face-a-deadly-diagno/?icid=maing%7Cmain5%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk3%7C32265

We're all starving for one thing; to be thin. It's the most important thing in our minds, we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people's views of ourselves, our bodies. But we are not our bodies. We are so much greater, so much more powerful than this body God put us in. There is a higher strength inside of us waiting to be shown, ready to be let out and loved and seen. But no one knows it.
Like I said in the first paragraph, knowing vs. believing. "..we believe that we have to be sticks to live up to other people.." Do you not see this? There is always doubt with beliefs, I can't stress that enough. In reality, we know that we don't have to prove anything to anyone else. We can be ourselves, we can be free. Why don't we chose this path? Simply because we are not able to release our pasts; release the fact of what we grew up believing, verses what we are growing to know.
I want to be well. I'm sure no one wants to live with this eating disorder, let alone...die with it. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. Last night I was reading, and it's funny how one night can change your whole life. God spoke to me; not because I believe in him, no no. I no longer believe in him, because every crisis that I had in my life I believed he'd be there for me. Turns out, he wasn't. It wasn't until last night I stopped believing and started knowing.
If you know something, there is no doubt. I know God, and with that said I no longer can have doubt that he is there. ♥
What I also stumbled upon in my reading, what a small little paragraph about eating disorders. I wish I never read it, because I started to cry as I finished. It's the harsh truth, and I want to share it with all of you.

"Eating disorders. Most eating disorders are, initially, efforts to meet a standard of appearance that someone believes will bring happiness. Ego has convinced people with eating disorders that their true essence is located in the value of their appearance to others.
These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."
-Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Take a second to take all of that in. Noticed in the very first sentence, the word 'believe'. (Belief always always always = doubt.) We believe that this is a way of life, a lifestyle, a disease, a way to lose weight. But we are wrong. There is doubt in our minds with that said. Please don't believe it anymore, and don't simply know it just to manipulate what I said.
Also, read that last sentence again.

"These people have become preoccupied with appearance to the exclusion of most of the other areas of their lives, and they ultimately destroy their bodies trying to make them perfect in the eyes of others."

We're killing ourselves. It's not healthy. We're dying one day, one minute, one second at a time. Soon enough we won't have a second or a minute to realize this. I want you all to be well too. It breaks my heart to see what I've done to myself, what everyone is doing to themselves. I may seem hypocritical at times, but that was before I stopped believing. Just know, in your hearts, in this very present moment, that this is not right. You can always change; you can always start over; you can always get better, but you can never live in this life again.



To go back to the link I posted above, look at her. She's our 'goal weight' and she is dying. Not only from her disease, but look at her body. Do you really want to look like that? You believe you do, but you know you don't. It's only when you choose to let go of your beliefs you begin to know and realize what life truly is.
I hope, that in some way, this has changed you. Last night my life changed completely. I want to be well, and I know all of you do too. It's only a matter of time for one to realize believing vs. knowing.
Take care everyone, my best wishes for you all. ♥
-Megan B.

As we speak;

I'm eating and eating and eating. Just took another bite of melted cheese on tortilla chips. It tastes so good, but I want to get it up. Hopefully I can, later. I don't want this many grams of fat in me. :[ Ugh. Why is this all that I care about? Getting fat; loosing weight; bones sticking out; working out; loosing more weight; loosing more and mroe weight. It's an obsession. It's like I have no control over myself. Fuck. I'm getting this all up later, I can't deal with this. Tomorrow I am fasting, I know I can do it. This morning I woke up and was crazing eggs, so I made eight over easy ones with cheese (as you can probably tell I am a cheese freak) and I wasn't even hungry. As I was melting the butter in the pan I was saying to myself, "Why am I doing this? I'm not hungry, please stop! Stop! STOP!" And of course I did not stop. But tomorrow I am going to have much more self control; I know I will.
Well my little baby Josie is sleeping on my left, fat as hell thigh. She's so cute, she's slowing sliding off haha. I'm gonna go slowing eat more and more, for food will be the death of me.

Oh how these days just seem to flyy byy.

The first day of December and it snows. Not that I like the snow, but it's anyone's ideal December. I pierced my belly button last night. :] It's pretty sweet.
I feel like writing something actually worthy of reading, you know? I want this to be like a fun project blog, instead of only focusing on negative body and eating related objectives. Maybe one day I can do this.
Mom found out about my purges, again. Potassium came back @ 3.3 when it should be above a 4.0. Put on potassium pills. Ugh.
Depression strikes again. Byee.

JOSIE ♥

I just got the cutest little kitten ever! I bet you can't guess what her name is, haha. Well, being suspended really sucks. But I'm loosing weight, so whatever. I hate being stuck home with my mom all day every day, except when she works for oh, I'd say about three hours a day? Yup yup. Hmmm..nothing new really, lots of binges from Thanksgiving food. Just what I need. Well, I'm going to go now, hope everyone is well. ♥

Vanilla Chai Tea ♥

I never wanted to go to school so badly before. Possibly 80 days expulsion; tomorrow I have a meeting with the board of education and I have a hearing. Oh dear. My stomach is doing somersaults! God has been my best friend for these past 48 hours, 'cept I'm not gettin' too much from him..
So Mitchel is this guy I've been talking to lately. We met way back at the beginning of this year? Made out at the Maple Festival (aha) then he asked me out (aha) and I said yes but ended up breaking up with him like three days later? (aha) I don't know. He's a yes and he's a no. He's like freakin' obsessed with me?! He's all like "I'm scared of loosing you again.." and "I love you sooo much" ... yeah. But he's really cute and we get along so well, like instant connection ♥
It just really sucks that he lives far away, so we never really get to see each other. But hopefully Wednesday night this week, (:
Not much else to say. ED-wise I'm still having behaviors. Trying to stop, but I just can't handle weight gain and I don't want to go back to rehab. I don't know. It's an every day struggle but I'm getting through. Softball is like, my one and only motivation but since I'm suspended I can't do anything school related and it's a program through the school, so yeah. IT SUCKS. But what can I do? Hmmm well hopefully everything tomorrow goes okay. I honestly want to get back in school. It's funny how I took something so..I don't know..but I took school for granted? Never ever ever ever ever take school for granted. Lesson learned.

New & Improved

I need something different, I need a change. I'm going to devote myself to this blog, to the very best ability I can. I want somewhere to call home, and every time I find myself posting on here, I feel stable. So, therefore I am going to write at least every day. It's something I'm going to do for myself, I want to remember all the stupid shit I've done (haha) and every little thing about my days.

Starting off, last night a lot went down. I called the cops on my mom. 7:30 pm; comes in my room, yelling and drunk off her ass, grabs me by the hair and shakes me. I don't do anything but push her off me and I said don't touch me. After more of her random outbursts she left, and I laid in bed, talking to Mitchel. Of course, two hours later she comes back in, and I've just had it. She's asking for my phone, yes my phone, she's not paying for it, and I told her she has no right to take it. More yelling happens, whatever, and as soon as she walks out of my room the door closes behind her and I jump up and slam it shut. Apparently she was right on the other side and I broke her glasses or something. I hold the door for like three minutes until she finally lets go so I can lock it and then I call the cops. When they came they knew she was intoxicated, but they don't do anything. They told me to call my dad, I did twice, and he didn't answer so I was stuck home with her for the night. The cops asked her what it would take for her to leave me alone and she said she wants my phone. I have no choice, so I handed the officer my phone, and then they leave. We don't have a house phone, only cell phones and that's why my phone is so important to me. She wasn't supposed to talk to me or anything the rest of the night, so I lock my door and go to bed. She's yelling at me through the door, swearing, calling me every name you could think of. Then she takes my door handle off? What the hell! I'm upset and crying and everything. Ugh! I just hate her! I prayed my heart out last night too. I wanted to die so bad. And I look this morning and my arms are covered in bruises. I only told the cops she grabbed my hair, didn't mention anything about her hitting me and grabbing me, what else is new. Not like they'd do jack shit anyways. ):
So that was my night. Yup, sounded great, doesn't it? So I was stuck home all day, thank God she was at work, without a phone. No one to talk to. I don't know what to do. I'm stressin' about school and this whole situation with court...I don't know what I'm going to do. If I get expelled, I'm moving in with my dad, hands down. If I don't, then fuck it. Honestly I don't know anymore. I have no control over anything anymore. And I've lost ten pounds again, and it doesn't help I have to gain it all back again by November 30th for my appointment.
I have terrible migrain, so I'm going to go. I'll write tomorrow, a promise to myself. Well only if I can, because my mom's going to be home..

Ten Days

SUSPENDED! Haha yup, ten days. I supposedly was selling pills; not ture. Then I guess I had bacardi in my locker? And Vodka in my gatorade. I didn't even have gatorade. Oh silly little bitches, now I might be expelled. Just what I fucking need. Weight's still fluctuating. ): Blood test again in a few weeks and I have to pass to finally just get away with all these people. Ahhh. Well I'm done here.

BEST NIGHT.

I lovee my cousin Brittany ♥
Last night we went out, played some beer pong, smoked a bong, ahhh (:
I met this super cute guy, Gene. He's 23 though...and thinks I'm 18! Haha we had to make up a story for me because I was around all twenty year olds and there wasn't supposed to be any minors there! But I don't know what to do anymore..I really fucking like this kid. Britt and I gotta hangout again.
Madison and I are becoming really good friends, (: we have fun. Hahahah I luhhhhh her ♥
Next weekend we fuckin' hanging out, hopefuly the wholeeee weekend. We do percasets, ativan, valume, vistiril, and vicodin. Helllz yeeah son! :D hahaha wow I'm terrible.
But I think I'm going to stop smoking weed and shit, I honestly just feel sick from it. And no more beer for me, I'm such a light weight it's terrrribleeee.! Hahah no but Gene, ♥ Oh my goodness. Thisss fuckinggg suckksssss. I wish I didn't lie about my age, I seriously would do anything for that guy, he is such a nice guy. Not only because I was fucked up eitherr, he is GOOD! (: Has a rough past, but doesn't everyone? I don't know..Damn damn damn damn damn damn. I like him soososoooooooooooooooooooooo much.

Well sorry. I just had the best night of my life, kinda. No I did, yep yep.(:
And I'm back in the 120's! I just have to pass a potassium blood test somehow and be 135 next time I go to see my ED specialist BITCH and Imma be on my way back to 110! ♥
This time I won't get caught either. I know I won't.
Life is fucking great. Nice guys, oh and they all thought I actually look 18-19! And they said I was sooo fucking prettty and gorgeous and I just felt so good about myself, like I never ever everr have before. :D no guys ever say that to me in school, except like the weirdos or this one james kid who had sex with my best friend and dated her for a while and now hates her and is 'in love' with me and wants picturees and shit. I don't do that. I even told him! BUT NO! Of course he won't leave it alone.
ANYWAYS. Immma go. I'm in such a good mood. (: Gene! ♥ :D
ifoeuboufneuofoecfenf lovee youu alll sweeties,(:

No Name,

Today I get to meet with the eating disorder people :D

WOOOOHOOO.

Yeah, fucking right. I hate it!

Uhhhhgggghh. Last night I broke down. I'm like back in the 130's, with clothes on. And I couldn't stop crying last night. All my hard work, everything I've done, for nothing? This is a fact that I'll forever be fat and ugly and disgusting and huge. Nothing fits right anymore, and I'm convinced others can see it too. ): But I have to pass my blood test Thursday, so I don't know what to do. As much as I want to throw my insides up, I can't. But after Thursday, look out. I'm restricting and if I do eat, I'm getting it all out and then more. I'll work out until I pass out. I'm pushing myself to no end. Even if I have no energy for school, I don't care. At least I'll be the one gaining self control which doesn't weigh an ounce. I've never been so serious about something my whole life, and this time I will not fail. I'm only smarter now, and more wiser and cautious about being caught. I won't get caught. I'll go about it all again and this time I'll loose even more. I know how to get past these people, I know all the right things to say. I'll show you Charlotte, you won't even know what hit you when I show up next month.

Well, I don't know what else to say. It's Monday! And I should be in school but I feel literally so sick. Nothing ED related either, just the normal fall time flu.
I'm going to get going now, cleaning helps me distract a lot and I love it. <3

I feel like I'm failing you all..

I honestly feel like I have no right to write here anymore. I've been debating for the past weeks on whether I should or not, because my progress hasn't been so good. I'm out of rehab, but I still have to go back every now and then. November first is my next date. I had a blood test Thursday, my mom got my results back and my potassium is at 3.8 when it should be a 4.0 at the very lowest! So she flipped out on me, yeah. I don't know what my weight is and I am absolutely terrified to go check it, but I am going to today. ): Ugghh..I don't know. I'm flabby, all over. I'm going to work out today, and fuck eating. I really don't give a shit about this recovery shit anymore. I'm NOT going to gain weight anymore. Screw you Charlotte, you can go shove it up someones ass who cares, because I DON'T!
Sorry.
So Monday my mom has a meeting with social workers, Charlotte, my dad, lawyers and it's all court ordered because of everything I told the social workers. They're finally doing something about it. My dad wants custody of me and he's going to fight for it. I did a lot better in my 'recovery' at my dad's, and Charlotte doesn't really like my mom either, so obviously she's going to be on my dad's side. And whatever happens, I have no say in. I might have to go live with him this week, I don't know. It's all court ordered so I really do have to do it. I hate this.
Enough about my retarded life, how is everyone? Not updating this makes me feel like I'm missing something, and I hate not being able to talk to you guys. ): Well, yeah. That's all I wanted to say, for now at least. Hmmm..well, thanks for your time, it really does mean a lot.

Eight Days Ago.

Haha I don't know, needed a catchy title.
So rehab; I gotta gain a few pounds and then I'll be free to go back to my ways. Once they stop watching me this fat is coming allllllll off. FUCK YEAH!
Hahah
I've been waking up at 3:05 every morning for the past few weeks now. Feels good. (:
How's everyone doing? Last night was amazing. Went to my friend's show (he's in a band) and it was absolutely amazing. ♥
Ahhhhh
not much else to say. I'm feeling inspired, so I might go clean my room.
Hahah bye loveliess ♥

untitled.

So please please please don't wait for me,

I'm done with love. It always seems to just punch you in the face. And I feel like crying for hours because of last night. ):
Screw guys, that's all I have to say. Alex and I are done. OVER. From the start, I mean come on. Every single time, this happens.
I wish I could find the most perfect man for me one day. And soon, please!
God, fuck this. I'm going to go write...

I gotta keep this updated more.

We could of been the best of friends, now I'll never see this place again.

I'm done playing this game of love. This love game. Every single time, I always seem to end up hurt. Led on. Screwed over? Yeah. I have a confession to make. I didn't quit smoking. I've become like literally adicted. I need it now. Fuck this.
I'm sorry. I wish I could stop, and you know maybe I can just like that, but right now things just seem so messed up and I can't take it anymore. Alex (A♥) doesn't seem to want to talk to me. We hung out last night, just up town, nothing happened. He's really quiet. Then again, so am I! But I got my prescription filled and I'll be more chill around him which I so desperately need! But whatever. If he doesn't like me, then I'm done. Every single man I've ever met seems to be just like the last. And it'll never last, it'll never end. Is it really that hard to find just ONE, all I ask for is just one good guy out there. ♥
Please God, why can't I have just one. That's all I want, that's all I'll ever need. Just one good, sweet, cute guy. Like Alex, like E, like Colin, except minus all of their bad things that are not good.

Everyone has flaws though, right? Maybe this is just a flaw that I have; fall for guys too quickly. Yes yes yes. Any man in a flannel, ohmygoodness ♥ I'm fallling all over them! Forr reallz.
Time to stop! Time to get a life! Time to go pick up my weed! 0:
Sorryy.

OH MAN.

So I've been pretty much lightin' up every night now. And last night I was supposed to smoke with A♥ but he couldn't make it so I ended up smoking with E and another of his friends. Yeah. I'm done with E. I am done. And after last night, I am done smoking weed. And drinking. I'm getting clean for myself. I don't want anything to do with E anymore. He asked me to homecoming, and I said yes but I'm just going to make up an excuse why I can't go. I don't even like homecoming anyways. And I don't like him. Like, you don't understand.

Well A♥ is E's friend, we met a few nights ago and just started hitting it off. (:
We're supposed to hangout today at the mall, secretly somehow hhaha. He said he can get me a ride, and I'm pretty sure he drives, but yeah. I don't know. I've heard things about him, but I'm not going to think about it. Everyone has a past, yaknow? And everyone has a future. And everyone makes mistakes. I'm done speaking on this subject haha.

Out of fucking rehab, ! (: well i've been for like a week now. next monday i gotta go in and get weighed again. i lost like ten pounds, seriously (: so immma fill up on water and shit before I go. Ahaha.
Well thank you everyone for even reading this and commenting these. It means a lot to me. (:
9.25.10.
I go sober.
Let's see how long this lasts again? Haha no, but for real. At least not around anymore guys. Never ever ever again. How can I be so vulnerable? Fuq.

We've come this far, we will not back down.

Girls, everyone on this site is absolutely beautiful, in my eyes. And we all have this thing telling us not to eat, and we feel good when we don't eat. We just want to be thin, and skinny, and see our bones. Yes yes yes. ♥
And we will accomplish that goal. I just want everyone to know, that I will definitely help you in any way I can. I've been there and done it all before, kinda sad that I'm only fifteen. Hah.
But everyone please just smile, you are beautiful.
Never listen to the shit people wanna' talk about you, it's worthless and so untrue. Listen to your own voice, not the one in your head. Only you can speak and have true happiness. And that's all there is to it.
Last night was pretty dumb. I'm upset over somethings, but on the bright side I got to smoke weed, ate only peanuts/raisins and eight pieces of popcorn. Worked probably most of it off by walking around high. (:
Seriously the herb is the best thing God put on this earth.
I'm reverting to Buddhism soon too. (: I just love the thought of this Buddha guy and peacefulness. I'm becoming a vegetarian again too. Fuck everyone who says I have to eat meat because of my eating disorder and shit, I don't give a flying fuck about what you tell me. I will do what I will do, in the most UNconceited way possible.
Well everyone just stay strong, look at those hip bones and your ribs and feel your tail bone all the way up your back;
for that is pure beauty that most people will never understand. ♥
Have a good day loveys. (:

:D

TONIGHT I AM LIGHTINNN' UP WITH EEEE!!!!
<3
<3
<3
<3
AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE HAHA BUT WITH HIMMMMMMMMMM!
(:
(:
(:
(:
(:
(:
SOSOSOSOSO HAPPPYY!! YES!
:D
HEHEHE
just wanted to get my excitement and happiness out.

A good morning blog.

First off, I have to say that I'm sorry to those who I haven't responded to in comments! ): I really am sorry, and I will do better than my best to comment on every one's and reply. Usually when I get on here I just type a new blog, go through a few of the ones that first pop up, wanting to comment!, but I don't have enough time. But now I am making more time for you guys, I promise.
Next up, um my rehab? Ha, yes I am getting out on Friday! Without a doubt, I'm eating my meal plan and shit now so my weight on Friday and vitals and blood test is all good. And of course I'm going back to my girl ana. ♥ and bel. ♥ haha yes I named them, because they are a part of me no matter how hard I try to fight this, they showed me the best way in life and no one can take that from me. This medication makes me happier, but I'm still talking to ana and bel during the rehab center. (: haha. Dood, anabel!? It's like a name! Hahaha anabel, I love you girls sososososoo much. Thank you.
I fake my meal plan. It says I'm supposed to eat like, for example, a bagel with cream cheese and jelly on BOTH sides, six mini muffins, an 8 oz. cup of milk, and some kind of fruit. Yeah, NO! So yesterday I fed it to my dogs. (: Hehehe and I poured my milk out the window! So basically I didn't eat anything for breakfast, but for lunch I don't have that choice and I HAVE to eat and I HAVE to keep it down at that rehab place. It's called CCED, so if ever refer to it as that, it's that same place. Hah. But yeah, dinner comes up. HELLZ YEAH DOOD! Better believe that I'm not going up to 130 ever again. Even though fucking Charlotte wants me at 140? Uh, yeah right. She's the family counselor for CCED and is just such a bitch. Whatever though, no more having to deal with her (:
Next month I can get my temps, for driving. I'm soooooooo happy. God, why can't I just be 18? As soon as I turn that age I'm getting the hell outtta here. Hopefully with E ♥ (:
Yesss I choose him. But me and brad still talk, he hugs me alot. Hah. Like, I would just have him as a drunk-make-out-buddy? haha but if that happens then he'll force more upon it, and I don't want want that. I want E. Not WANT as in like WANT!! him, I just wish he'd know how I feel. And have felt for a year now!
But I think it'll be hard because, Colin. Yeah, coming back to school, he goes out of his way to look at me. ):
The song "You are the only acception" by Paramore....like it speaks for itself. ♥♥♥♥♥♥
I gave Colin my new number in a message on facebook over the summer, but he never texted me, never replied. And don't tell me he didn't get it, just another one of his lies. Like I don't know. I'd do anything for that boy. If he'd just be honest with me from the start. Okay Megan shut up shut up shut up.
E.
E.
E.
E.
E.
E.
E.
E.
E.
<3
Not obsessive! Just trying to get over Colin. No matter what he does to me, no matter how many pictures he puts up on facebook of him with other girls, no matter what has happened in the past, doesn't matter anymore. It's today that counts.

You are the only acception. <3

Monday when I go back to school, I fear that I'll see Colin a lot more. Even though E is at school, like he's a senior, Colin is my age, my grade. SOPHOMORE! Well I think I've written too much. Comments please, and I'll reply in a heart beat. I promise! (:
Love you alll byeee.

unwell.

I used to always to listen to Matchbow Twenty, but then I lost their CDs and just forgot about them. But they just popped in my mind today and I'm downloading all of their songs back onto my ipod. ♥ soooo amazing, their song 'unwell'
Anyways, let's get to the facts. Saturday night I had a kickass time, smoked some k2 and drank five mike's. Hahah then I threw up. Hahaha and there was another kid there, Brad. Sosososo cute. Everyone's telling me that he's such a bad kid and to stay away from him, but I'm just so drawn to him. Like soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo attracted to him. He's cute and what not, but it's like more of a magnetic attraction haha I don't know. He said he wants to fuck me and what not. Aha. We didn't do anything that night because I was so shit faced, I just layed on the floor the whole time. And this weekend we're going to all get together again and partyyy and he said 'this time we'll party hard'. Hahaha.
Yeah, so I don't think I'm going to hang out with them. Maybe, I don't know.
But I've been talking to this other guy, for like years now. Call him E. We've been talking soso much lately and he wants to smoke with me this weekend, so I'm kinda caught between what to choose. Correction, who to choose. E is such a gentleman, never once made a move like Brad. I'll make up my mind soon enough. I don't feel like writing anymore. I'll write again soon though.
I'm still in fucking rehab. getting out this week, only your prayers could do it though. ):

Tonight's gonna be a good good nighttt. (:

Sorry, but I gotta make this short;
three binges/and three got-'em-back-ups (:
nothing in me attt allll ♥
Going to a friends tonightt, gonna get fcked up!
I wanna talk about K - my friend who has helped me a lot (:
I'll write when I get sobered up!
Bye bye :D

like a wave ♥

So today I went into school. I almost cried. It was harder than I thought. But tomorrow I get to go to school again, and I think it'll be easier, hopefully. But only for like, the morning because I gotta go back to CCED. Dood, I fucking hate it there, like you don't understand.
I just wish I had someone here to talk to, someone who understands the abouts of rehab and shit. Someone who understands why I hate my mother so much, someone who understands just everything in my life. Whether you are a girl or guy, I'll love you forever if you'd just understand. <3
Byebyebyebye.

Idiot.

What's wrong with the world? Too much.
Girls grow up thinking they have to be stick skinny to please society; to please anyone and everyone.
Why can't they leave kids alone? Because they're fucking selfish, ignorant people in this cruel ass world.
Nobody can be themselves because everyone wants to live up to everyone elses' standards, am I not correct?
When has anyone NEVER cared about what someone else thought about them? Never?
Exactly.
I mean, maybe it's just human nature for us to be judgemental of everyone else around us. Maybe we're supposed to care too much about our bodies and the thoughts going through other's minds. Maybe it's what life is all about?
I don't think so.
Dood, I am fucking done caring about what other's have to say about me. Let people think I'm pregnant and ugly and fat or anorexic or WHATEVER THE HELL THEY WANT TO. It's human nature to judge someone as soon as we see them, whether we mean to or not; Yes? Yes.
When have you ever not judged someone? I know I do it every single day. Why can't for just once, people not judge others? Why not? Why?
Because it's just the way people are. People are greedy, selfish, lying, deceiving, idiots in this world today. Not everyone, no no no, but definitely most.
I mean, for real, am I not somewhat on the spot about today's world? Or am I just totally insane?
No, don't answer that. I don't care. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, yes, but do they really have to shove it in each other's faces? No. But of course they do anyways? Why? I don't know. Maybe I'll never know.

Honestly, people are going to talk shit. They're going to stab you in the fucking back when you least expect it. When you are at your lowest low in life people will just walk all over you, and push you down even harder and lower than you'd ever think possible.

That's where you have to ask yourself, "Do I really want to live this way? Do I really fucking want to take in every little comment people have to say about me?"
And I bet you'll answer "HELL NO."

I guess what I'm trying to say is, trust no one but yourself, for you don't know anyone better than you. You shouldn't listen to what others say about you; don't let it get you down. You cannot please everyone, let alone anyone in this world today. People are always, always going to judge you whether you want them to or not, it's uncontrollable. Why worry over something you can't control? Do something about what you can control, and that's worry about your own self. ♥
My goodness, my fingers are exhausted.
Does this make any sense? You're entitled to your opinion. (:

Morning Sickness.

Is that normal? Oh dear.
So quite a lot has changed since my last post, I've been like too upset to write, but I need to get all of this out. I'm back in fucking rehab. Yeah, that place I was in before. I can't hide this shit anymore. Even though I just got up my dinner last night, I can't loose any weight. This so sucks. Like I've cried every single night for a week, is that healthy? No. Wow I'm good at answering my own questions! Ahaha. Blaahhh.
I get prescribed this Ativan? Some like anxiety thing. I take about four maybe six? Then smoke two cigs. Shit damn I am fucked up! I love it though ♥
Not being in school is kinda weird, but I don't care. I'll be behind and shit, oh well.
One last thing I wanted to say, was that I tried to kill myself one night. I think just Monday? I don't remember. I had Tylenol PM pills, like nine, took two, and had the rest in my hand. Crying my eyes out and everything, texted a few friends 'I love you' and even my sister. She told my mom about that and then mother walks in. I hand her them.
Whatever, I don't want to be fat. I know I'll loose all of it again. Oh dear lord, please help me get through this. Please please please.
Girls stay strong, and don't take shit from no one. They want to be thin, but aren't strong enough like us. We got it in us to be thin, we are supposed to be, no matter what. Stay strong, and I love all of you. ♥
Byeee, for now.
):

shut up. shut up shut up.

No matter what the hell I do, the voices won't leave my head. My urges are not anywhere close to down, not even close to gone. I fucking vomited all day. And now I have to eat dinner. ugh. ):
I went to the mall today, didn't really buy much. two pairs of jeans; size FUCKING FIVE. Oh My God. at least its not a seven, but still. I don't want to be a five I want to be a 1 or a ZERO! Is that really too much to ask for? Like, what the hell. I swear to God I'll loose all of this weight again. ): some way or another. I'll get back down to my beautiful 110, with every single rib showing. That's absolutely beautiful. Why can't anyone else see how beautiful that is!? I don't want these boobs or this ass. I don't want jiggle or flub. I want to be flat and sharp. When people hug me I want them to feel the beauty of every single one of my back bones. This isn't ever going to go away. Never ever. I don't know how I can fool my counselors, but I'm smart enough to do so. I'm sorry. I thought I really was going somewhere with this recovery. But you can't fucking make a girl gain 20 pounds and expect her to be happy?! Like who the hell in God's name would do that and expect that girl to make a full and happy recovery? I'm not happy at 134 (I don't know exactly but I feel it's this much) and I'm not happy at 130 or 125 or 120 or 115. I was completely happy and in love with myself at 110, and if people want to take the away from me, I'll fucking punch them in the face and do whatever it takes to get back down to 110. No, scratch that. I'll be 109, I'll fucking show these ladies what the hell is UP. They think everything they do is fine, they think people heal when they gain weight. Um, no. People need to get in their heads that what they do to 'help' girls (and guys!) with eating disorders by gaining weight will only make them go crazy and say 'fuck' one too many times. I'm sorry. I've never said this in my entire life, and I'm finally speaking up for myself. AND IT NEVER FELT FUCKING BETTER! Sometimes you guys should try this, rant about how much hatred you have for people and say whatever the hell you want! Okay, so I don't know where this is getting me, and maybe it's not as productive as what I thought it'd be. Haha. But I've never ever ever felt better. I'm going to start restricting sneakier. Spit my food into a napkin when no one's looking, hide it up my sleeve. The best thing I've learned to do it have a pop can (empty preferably to fit more in!) and keep it in the bedroom to go vomit in when dinner's done. Then take it into the bathroom and empty it out somewhat, or just the best you can into the toilet, and throw it away! Jesus I'm smart. (: Hahahah. I think that's what I'm going to do tonight. Although I have my ED meeting Monday where they weigh me. UGH. But that dumb ass lady wants me to keep gaining, and I'm not going to gain much more, no matter how much I eat. I'll lie on every single diary card if I have to, I fucking hate that lady. The only thing I can thank her for is for calling Child Services on my mother when she asked if she ever hit me. Thank God for that lady for only that reason! Well I think I've scarred your minds with enough words for one day. Everyone have a good day, good night, and stay strong. This girls comin' back.
In Jesus's name we pray, Amen.
{:

drink until i start spitting blood in the sink.

Court yesterday went terrible. Nothin' more to really say. My mother is a complete and total fucking bitch. She's nothing to me. She's still going through with pressing charges, for what? Me not wanting her to read my ED journal that I bought with my own money? Is that even legal? It's not hers. But of course now it's all gone, every letter my girls wrote to me. It's just sick. So today if I don't go back to my mom's I guess she's going to call the cops. Sam, my counselor, said that the cops can't get involved. But I honestly think they can if the courts ordered me to follow my parents orders? And if I don't obey them, judge said I got consequences; 90 days in juvenile courts, probation, two year suspension from even getting my license that cannot be taken off. Like what the heck? ): I've been crying since yesterday and my eyes are puff balls and disgusting. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve this, but I guess someone up there is telling me something. But I have to meet with family and child services today, with my mom. It was supposed to be at my mom's house, but instead it's just going to be at the lady's office. Thank God, <3
I feel like writing. But oh wait, I don't have a journal to write in!
/:
Humor has been my best friend through all of this, he's the only thing I got to get me through the day.

I shut my eyes and begin to think
all my thoughts soak in; they begin to sink
sink like an anchor into the sea
keep going down, down, pulling me
I being to drown, no air to fill my lungs
this is what I want, my life has just begun
Tears flood my eyes and disintegrate in the water
And she's announced missing, his youngest daughter
A murder, a homicide
not knowing it was suicide
I'm finally free
of this life that's been so mean to me
I open my eyes and start to swim
like nothing ever mattered, I'm free of sin;
The funeral can now begin.
No more worries, no more depression
no more having to look at their facial expressions
The air is now starting to freshen
I can't speak another word, my breath is taken away
I wish you could of changed within that day
I wish you would of changed in so many ways
but who am I to say that you needed to change
maybe it was just me, I should of been rearranged
And now I can't speak a word because I'm tongue tied
let's get this over with, say your goodbye.
<3


I just wrote this. Tell me what you think?

where is the love, where is the love?

I'm absolutely in love with Trevor Hall <3



UghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUghUgh
I thought this monster could finally be tamed, but instead it'll forver last inside of me. And Charolette, the counselorBITCH at rehab, said I'm still too skinny and should at least be 135-140. AT LEAST 140. Whatthefuck, areyoufuckingshittingme?! Uh yeah, no I'm never going up there. She said like if I keep eating a lot and don't gain anything then maybe I don't need to be up to that. I'm about 130 again. ): I'm trying not to let numbers bother me, but they really do. I cry a lot over this, is that pathetic? When there are real kids out there starving and dying, I'm here wanting to starve and die. I'm home alone, THANK GOD! So I'm going to go on the ab-lounger for a while. (: I just want to tone up a bit, get rid of this flab. Even though I still binge/purge every once in a while, I can get away with it! I'm terrible, I'm supposed to be recovering. But that's not possible for me right now. And if I still have ED thoughts then, I'll need to gain even more weight because thats what helps get rid of the thoughts? Um, yeah no. If I weigh more, I'll want to fucking kill myself more.! I don't know. I say I don't know a lot, don't I? Haha yeah.
Well I think it's ab time now.
I have a doctor appointment at eleven. Then tomorrow I have to go to court. I'm soso nervous. ): I'll probably be put on probation and, yeah. I feel like crying, ohmygosh. Well I need to do my abbbys, so I'm going to get going.
I love you all, just know that. <3

i want to make an impression.

I wish I could go back to January. <3
Neil, this amazing boy really liked me then, and he would of done anything for me. But I didn't really feel the same for him. Now I'd do anything for him and he won't talk to me anymore.
I don't know, whateverr. I'm done with guys. They just, don't make me happy. And I want to be happy. Ugh. I'm done with this subject.
Doctor appointment tomorrow.
Court on Thursday. How great? Fuck you mom, fuck you. I'm so done with her, my God, I just fucking hate her! ):
It kinda sucks that I don't have a mom, then again, I don't really want one. If a mom is what my mom is, then I don't want another.
I can't talk about food anymore, but of course this girl just said, "yeah i know wht u mean. for the first time in a while i almost got sick while eating because i felt like i ate too much. and i barely ate anything. i think im getting my small appetite back and i like it!"
): It sucks. Everyything is so triggering for me. Whyy!?
I'm thirsty.
I think I'm going to go smoke.
Goodnight World.

recovery and a goodbye.

I'm really trying to fight this now. Everything that has happened to me, in these past few months, have happened for a reason. I don't know what that reason is for, yet, but I'll know soon. I just want to thank everyone who has helped me in some way or another. Even if you've only commented once, you don't know how much appreciation I have for you. Even though this is an illness that I'm supporting, I no longer can provide anything but hope and strength to you guys. You're all such beautiful people, I'd hate to loose any of you.<3
You've all touched my life in some way and I really can't say thanks enough.
I'm now starting my journey to greater heights, a life where ED doesn't exist and the numbers have no meaning. Sure, she'll always be there to talk to me once in a while, but I'm stronger now. I won't let her get back inside. This is a real goodbye to my eating disorder.
Another thing I want to talk about is July 4th...
I didn't tell anyone, except some of my 'closest' friends who seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. They don't want an 'anorexic' friend...or a pregnant one..(I still don't know, but I've had so many cravings and no period...)
They don't want me anymore and I'll never be good enough for them. I'm sorry that I let all of this happen to me, even if I didn't intend on doing so. But like I said, everything happens for a reason.<3
For as my mom, haven't heard from her in over three weeks now, and she's pressing charges against me for shit I didn't even do.
You know, sometimes I just want to cry. I wanna just break down, but if I do so, I let all my demons back in because they know I'm weak. I just have to stay strong, and keep my chin up. I may not be very pretty at all, or have any friends, or have a home, or parents, or anything, but I know I have all of you guys here for me. And it means so much. <3
I really want to thank you Charr especially. You've been there for me since day one and I really can't say thank you enough or how much you've impacted me. You mean a lot to me, and I hope I've helped you in some way too. I'm always here for you, I just hope that you know that.

This isn't a goodbye to my blog, no no no. I've fallen in love with blogging. And I want to use this as inspiration of to never going back to my own ways.
I'm trying to get better, I really am. I'm poppin' some ativan on the side to help me be numb. It doesn't work as well as alcohol though, because I have to wake up every morning and remember everything. I just hate this, I wish someone out there can make me happy. Happy like how I was three years ago before any of this started. I wish I never started. I wish I could go back and take it all back, every single little thing. But I guess if I've done anything different, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't make this mistake ever again, because it'll be with me for my whole life. And I'm sorry to everyone whom I've hurt through all of this. . .


I don't know what else to say, I'm about to cry. I just...need something out there, you know? I just need something.
Thank you everyone, I really can't say that enough. <33

august 10th.

14 more days until school. two more weeks. i'm not going back though, like i just can't. too many triggers and i just want to get myself together first. i'm going to get online schooling. then i can like go walk to a job and what not. euigsjfklsdf
life is tough. but it's what you make it. and i had to grow up a lot in this past week. well, as it turns out, my moms pressing charges against me and i have to go to court and what not. fuck. i don't really care i guess, im just pretty hurt that shes doing this and i havent done shit to her. i mean, i don't even have a mom anymore. i dont really even consider her as anything to me.

wshfjdkc
enough with that.
i dont feel like writing much right now.
maybe tomorrow.
bye.

blah blah blah.

things are lookin' better as each day goes on.
still at my dad's but i'm worried about school. i'm in a different town and i looked up the school out here online and it says the custodial parent must register the child for the school. and see, the problem is my mother is the custodial parent. she still has full custody. dammit. ): i need to get to court soon. and about monday night, she said she's thinking about pressing charges. yeah, wtf. i hope she does, because i sure as hell know i'm going to. today i saw her in the family therapy meeting for the eating disorder counseling and stuff. i'm not going to call her, i'm never going to talk to her outside of that place. no, i'm done. and i said it straight up today in the meeting. i can't even make eye contact with her, i just can't.
i mean, it's getting to me. the guilt. that's my mother i'm talking about. but i never had a real mom. just a drunk lady in the house my whole life. someone asked me, ''how can you just be done with her like that, i couldn't do that to my own mom, as in shut her outta my life completely.'' and i just replied, ''you have a relationship with your mom. you have a bond. see, i don't have anything like that, no connection, nothing."
it's sad, but it's the truth. i mean, i have no emotional attachment to my mom. there's nothing there. i have no feelings towards her; everything just seems numb.
but whatever. i don't need and i certainly don't want any reliance on anyone in my life. i don't need a guy to 'complete me' or support me in life with money. i don't need any of that, i'm dependent on my own and i'll be happy as ever. maybe one day i'll let my ED back into my life, but i don't know. that won't be for a few years or so, when i can leave and get away with it.
ugbiegkeng
anyways, i'm going to try to talk to my dad about court and everything. i feel bad, i mean, he's done so much for me. he had to pay 987$ to the ED place for treatment bills my mom 'couldn't' pay. when she goes out and spends hundreds of dollars on herself each week. whatever. i'm done.
i went to the mall today with my sister and her friends. i bought a pair of shorts and i got another one for a penny. size three. (: made me happy. a little tight, but they'll be more loose eventually.
god i can't wait until fall time. i want the birght colors on the trees and the smell and oh goodness. i'm getting carried away.
well i'm gonna' go. have a good day everyone. <3

new life.

so monday night, shit went down. walked into my room, finding my mother reading my journal. it has everything written in it from CCED and just how much i hate her and me wanting weed and drinking and everything. ):
i don't think she got too much into it, because we were fighting and screaming and basically wrestling for it, and she called the cops on me and shit. yeah, fuck her. i didn't even hit her or anything, i ws reaching for the journal, like freaking out, and saying that its not hers and to give it back. shes just saying like get out of my room and to shut up and she punched me in the lip. yeah, got me a big fucking fat lip. and i didn't see them then but now i have bruises, huge purple and blue ones covering my arms.
when the cops came i told them everything, and thank god this guy listened. he told me he was here before when my mom was intoxicated. but i told him how she hits me and drinks and everything. he reported it to social workers so tonight i have to go and talk with them. i'm at my dads currently, i am not fucking going back. tomorrow i have a meeting with the ED lady and shit, gettin' weighed.
i binged and purged just a few hours ago and i fell back in love.
i'm not letting her go, she's all that i need to get thin again. and i will.
i don't know how much i weigh, but prolly somewhere around 130 i'm guessing.
110 here i fucking come. i don't give a shit anymore, i can hide it. and i know i wont get caught this time. no no no.
well as for my journal, back to that, i finally got it from her when she was on the phone with the cops and i ran outside, ripped out the pages i had written on, and through them into the woods somewhere. god i wish i didn't do that, i should of hid them in my bra because my fucking psycho mom went out there that night looking for them with a flashlight. but something in me is keeping me calm and i just have this feeling that she's not going to find them. i'm praying she doesn't.
honestly, the only good thing about refeeding and shit is boobs. i got my a34's back haha, they should be b36's or something, but they're not getting back up to size. i'll loose the weight again and loose the boobs again. i'd rather be skinny than have boobs. like who the hell cares. i don't want guys to like me for my boobs anyways. enough boob talk, its gross. haha
yeah so tonight i'm talking with people and they gonna get my mom's ass. i hope she fucking suffers for everything she's done to me. i'm never going to talk to her ever again, i'm done with her and she is no longer in my life anymore. until of course the courts rule in my favor that i can stay with my dad. she can't say shit against him because i got bigger shit against her. yeah, fuck you mom.
i bet she's reading my blog too. it wouldn't surprise me, she went through all of the history on the computer anyways, she's bound to of found this.
who cares. i don't.
next week when my dad goes on vacation, imma get so fucking drunk. (theres vodka and everythinggg in the garage.:D) fuck yeah. i'm only here with my sister, but she's bound to go out with her friends, and then i can have a friend over.
i know i said i'd never drink again, but i don't care.
i just need something to get this shit outta my head. getting shitfaced is a good decision for me right now. ooh, maybe i'll even gain some weight!
egpinioe4wnt904ntfe
fgeofineiofne

ugh. sorry. i'm going crazy. i'm nervous about whats going to happen tonight.
i'm nervous about tomorrow with the eating disorder place weighing me.
i'm just a nervous wreck.
):
sorry.

another day.

I'm trying to tell myself I'm okay.

It's not working too well.
So I have to gain weight, and if I don't I'll be in the in-patient program again.
No.
I'm not going back in there. It's bad enough with my out-patient program I'm doing, supervised by my mother. Which she's not doing very well at because I'm binging and purging right in front of her, yet she doesn't realize it because the alcohol fills her veins and takes her away. But I'm okay, only a few new bruises. And I think it's normal? I don't know what normal even is anymore...
One more week. I'm moving out unconditionally. I'm not signing another two week contract to be stuck with my mom. no No NO. I have so much dislike for her, I can't stand being here another minute. She goes through everything in my room every day and she leaves it a mess, claiming ''you have all day to put everything back how you had it.'' Really mom, really? Then I can't even sit down and watch television because ''I'm wasting electricity.'' But what are you doing right now? Doesn't make much sense to me...doesn't seem too fair to me either.
And do you guys want to hear another sad thing? I secretly borrowed my mother's phone today (she turned mine off) and called my dad. We were talking for a little bit, and he knows that I want to live with him, he even told me that I could. But I don't know if he was sober when he said any of that because he never mentions it anymore. And maybe I'm just paranoid about all of this, or maybe I just need to speak up. But the sad thing is, when I told him how much I hated living here today he just replied, "what do you want me to do?'' ...
Like, should I have straight up said it? Dad I want you to come pick up my stuff so that I can move in with you. But I shed a tear or two...and just said "I don't know." The most common three words that come out of my mouth on a daily basis. Whatever. I can't rely on anyone in this world. But I'm going to move in with my dad, because if I don't, I'll never have a life. And if I don't have a life, I'll never be free. And I want to be free.

So I'm putting on the pounds, 127 I do believe. Ew. My stomach bulges out like a baby is growing in me. Oh wait, that's right. There probably is. ):
I got sick one morning. I don't know if it was just me purging, or legit throwing up. Kinda hard to tell. But I did feel sick to my stomach, and maybe I'm just saying that it was all in my head. Who knows.
I stopped taking those meds. Except the ativan, that shits legit. Makes me forget everything. I should start selling it, aha. Kidding; I need some humor right now. Please, someone just give me strength...

giygiufiuhdo8e3ujr5.

I don't care anymore. I have to get out of here, my mom's that is. When I was at my dad's this weekend, I got away with so much. Like it's not even funny, and my mom even told him what to do. God, I love my dad. I just have to move in with him. I don't care what it takes, I have to do it. My mom says it's going to cost money for lawyers and court things but I don't care. I need this. I need it more than anything. My ED was happy there, and so was I. I'm going to do this. Sorry mom, but I am going to move out. And when I came home today, I unpacked all of my boxes and books and stuff and set back up my room as I had it, because I thought I didn't want to move out. But I don't care, I'll pack it all back up again, like I've done many of times already.
Hmmm...my friend Amanda is coming over tomorrow. She understands me so much, like everything that's going on. She says she has the same things going on with her too; the voices in her head telling her not to eat, and etc. She did loose so much weight, she's literally a stick now. But she doesn't feel that way, and as she tells me I'm a stick, I don't at all feel that way. I'm so bloated right now, my stomach sticks out so much - it looks like I have a balloon under my skin. Ugh. I want to loose this all so bad, like right now! ): But that can' happen just yet. After these two weeks of fucking absolute hell are up, I am moving out, like it's legit. Well I don't know what else to say. I haven't weighed myself in a week, and I have no intent in doing so. Fuck this, and fuck you mom. Go drink yourself to death, because that's exactly what you're doing.
):
Fuck,.

FRRREEEEEE. for now.

So I got my way outtta day treatment. But my mother has to watch me for the next two weeks and I have to gain 1/2 lbs. a week. nott too bad, i'm not worrying.
i've decided that i am going to live with my dad, and um yeah. i think i'm going to get home schooled for the year, like online classes. or maybe even just one semester, i don't know yet. but enough time to get back down to my size, in a kinda healthier way? and so i can get a job and earn some moneeyyy! like i need money. and to buy a car/insurance. yesyesyes.
hmmmmm...yeah so i don't know my weight right now, and i don't really wannntto know it. but imma gain all the weight back, maybe up to like 129. ugh. but then i'll move out, hopefully they won't monitor me anymore, but yeah. it sucks dood. don't everrrrr get caught, like omg. it so unbelievably sucks.
well i don't know what else to say.
this life is put on hold for a little bit.
two weeks. or longer, i don'tknow.
i just wanna get outta my mom's house. please.
i'll try to keep this updated more now that i'm home, then again, i don't know what to really say. well, i hope you all are doing weelll. i love all you guys. <33 stay strong for me.

finished every last bite.

but i 'purged' it all back up.
where is thsi getting me?
i hate the word 'purge'.
they say things like "the urge to purge."
it makes me laugh.
i've been bs-ing my way outtta there.
they said i have to gain weight (OKAY! i can always lose it again! )
and just see if it helps me in a week.
so gotta finish this week and by next tuesday i should be out.
i gotta drink waterr a lot of it on weigh in days, which are scheduled tuesdays and fridays. i'm 116.2.
116.2
116.2
116.4
116.9
122
127
128
129.7
135.6


i don't want to go back to that.
do they not understand? ):
no they fucking dont, i don't think anyone does.
godd. please god just help me.
in group we use this skill called distraction to take our minds off what we just ate and what not, and i make hemp bracelets and such.
my wholee left wrist is covereddd.
my right just has like two.
nothiing cool there,

so i'm on prozac now. i read on the label, do not take if pregnant.
i asked why and they said it could kill the fetus. or really badly harm it.
hopefully if i am and prozac effects it, it'll just die asap. no harm, no pain.
please god, forgive me for doing this, forgive me for all of this. they try to tell me its not my fault, but then who the fucks fault is it then,
oh no, OF COURSE NOT MY EATING DISORDER. OR ME,
toottalllly not,
whatever fuck this.
i'm also on ativan - anxiety and shit.
i'm trippin' balls on one mg, think if i take another, accidentlyl. (L:l
that was supposted to be a smiley.
omg
im so outta it.
god. plaease just help me.
please please please

jnwdwj
... ):egb '[

i can't do this anymore.

today was my first day at fucking rehab. sounded easy, sure. but not when you have a mother who packs you a lunch that could feed four. ): and they made me eat it all. i couldn't even leave little pieces of salt or needle tip sized crumbs on the plate, LITERALLY! like are you fucking shitting me? and i couldn't peel the crust off of my sandwhich which my mother secretly packed. bitch bitch bicth! i'm sooo moving out as soon as i can get outta there. and they put me on two new meds; prozac and some anxiety control. the anxiety shit should make me feel numb, and if i oh say, ACCIDENTLY took two...maybe three...i'd be pretty fucked up. thats what i really need. but i'm sure my mother will limit me on them. jiewhrfiownfdliewnflrvew
rf
fuck this, fuck everything.
i'm seriously done.
she wants to eat dinner together, yeah right.
she;s leaving now to get my meds, and i'm going to binge and purge.
fuck you mother, FUCK YOU.

chills on my neck and it makes me smile.

another day. today went better actually, at least i have to say so. i ate a veggie burger, and another, then a hot dog, then a hamburger, then a cupcake...and after all that, i thought to myself, "i DON'T feel like wanting to get it up." like, i was happy even though i ate all that. it was weird. but i ended up getting it up anyways. but i'm getting there, hopfeully. tomorrow is my first appointment, i have to eat lunch and snacks there? i don't care. i mean, they expect me to freak out and throw it up, but i won't. i'll play it cool, and as far as they're concerned, my last binge/purge was two weeks ago as of today. haha whateverrr. well i'm back down to 113! woo, until tomorrow. /: honestly, who the fuck cares. i'm not a model, i'm not pretty, so what does it matter if i'm skinny? ): whateverr,er,epfmeimgfiedmwefmlegv
imma get goin'. have a goodnighhhtt everyone.



currently listening to; summertime clothes by animal collective. <3

two little boxes that hold all of my life.

ive finally got everything all packed up. not that i'm going anywhere, anytime sooon.
i'm moving out of my mothers house as soon as these out-patient appoinments end. helllloo father. he doesn't even know yet, and neither does she. oh god, who knows whats going to happen when she finds out. i know he'll be understanding and accepting, something i truly need for once. enough he / she this and that...
well i'm going to fake my way through my classes, eat and shit, no bad food thoughts, no purging, nothiiiinnnnngg. that should run me hopefully only three weeks, maybe some follow up sessions, but i don't know. i'm going to put on some weight, and i'm terrified. i'm back down to 113.5 and i'm sososoo happy. but come monday, they'll weigh me. no wait, tuesdays and fridays it is. and i read in the booklet they gave me that i'll be in a given hospital gown, meaning my jeans and clothes can't weight me down. time to stuff the bra though! aha. idk whatt i'm going to do. i'm going to stop looking at the scale until i'm done. and maybe i will fully recover from all of this. i hope i do, i hope i don't. my mom just told me today that i'm killing myself. what else is new. fioenfinfr
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i fucking hateee her. damnnnnit.
even when i'm home and she 'monitors' me eating and such, i still get away with binging and purging! and its pretttty damn obvious too! i don't knoww, whatever.
one day at a time, one day at a timee....
i'm going to get goingg, i'm supposed to go out with my dad tomorrow to some boat show? i'm going to tell him then. i just hope i have the courage to... /:
god i could use some legitshhhitt right now to feel numb. toooo much going on.
i'm feeling almost sick to my stomach and it's not the bulimia.
raqewjrdiwnrfignrtg
sorry,
byee. <3

asparagus.

good stuff.

thanks everyone, for comments on my last post.
i just didn't want anyone to worry about me, i know you all have things of your own to deal with. i just wanted to get it out for myself, so i know i'm not the only one who knows. i have no one to tell at home here, no friends that i can trust. i don't want anything to do with guys right now, not to be rude but i think i have the right to say that. and it doesn't help with the fact that this guy i used to like / talk to is talking to me again and wants to hang out. he's like pressuring mee, "damn i miss you so *effin much" . "we gotta hang out soon!! LIKE SOON!" .
and etc. he's a pretty nice guy, i guess, but i'm not at all ready to even hang out with someone right now. no no no.
in fact, the very first time that i met him, and it was within ten mintues of hanging out, he asked me 'if i wanted to do anything.'
yeah, i'm not hanging out with him. ): i don't need this shit again.
well i have another out-patient appt. at that place. 3:30. this time i'm just going to go along with it. it sucks because every time i go there i end up crying terribly. i don't know if its from everything that happened in the past week...or just realization setting in. since my mom found the bags last monday? i think it was, i've told everyone that i haven't done it since then. that's the story, itt's been a week. when really i've still been doing it everyday. ): it's easier now, i don't know why, but i have to eat infont of my mom, okay....then she goes outside to have a cigarette and drink a beer, great. so of course i go get it up! dammit. but i've gotten my period, so thats pretty good. i don't know. i'm just worrying about getting pregnant more so than eating and shit. i'm going to see if i can buy a test this weekend, is it too soon to tell???? i don't know. by getting my period does that mean i'm automatically not??? i have some research to do. i mean, i'm fifteen. i can't have a baby. and i can't have an abortion. and i can't give it up for adoption. and i definitelyy cannot harm it..him or her..by throwing up! ): i'm ging to stop. for the sake of this. i don't know. this is the scariest thing i've ever gone through....well it's up there. no, it tops it all. i'm going to google everything i need answered, since i don't have anyone to talk to home here. thanks everyone, really. you guys are the only ones who understand me..and are here for me. it means a lot, i actually have people to rely on. thank you, just so much.
if anyone has a myspace, here's my address;
www.myspace.com/megannbandish
or a facebook i don't know if the links are still the same but talk to me through myspace..

i love you guys, and i hope for the best for everyone.
stay strong, i know i'm trying too.

don't read this. please.

I don't want anyone to read this, what I'm about to say is terrible. I need to get it out though..

July Fourth, worst day of my life. I'm still crying from that night.
I went to a party with my father, his girlfriend, and my sister. It was fun, I got drunkk. I was NOT planning on doing so, but my sister just pissed me off. So I'm sitting there, shoving food in my face, trying to binge and what not. I didn't do anything to her; she asked me where the water was and I told her that it was in the cooler. So I'm there eating my hamburger, chomp chomp chomp. She comes back and throw ice in my face! I was like "what the fuck is wrong with you!?" I spit out whats in my mouth and throw it at her, then I ran downstairs (where the only bathroom was that I knew about) and getting everything up. Maybe I did over react a little, but seriously, she's seventeen and so immature. She did it on purpose too, trying to get it down my shirt? Whateverrr, and then there were no cute boys there so I'm like fuuckk it. I pored myself some Russian vodka and mixed it with whatever else was there. I sat down on a couch, (everyone was outside at this time so they didn't see me. It tasted bad, but I was so upset I binged/purged and my sister. I just chugged it. Then this lady came in and went to the little mini fridge under the counter, pulled out a mike's hard lemonade and walked back outside. I was like dammnn, I want one! Ha so I took the last one. Thennn I went back and drank another whole cup of Russian vodka mix. I was pretttyy drunk. Went to the bathroom to pee and tried taking a picture of myself and it was blurry. I didn't realize I did that until the next day when I looked in my phone. But I went aback out and sat on the couch. Suddenly this super cute guy walked in. He said "Can I get you pretty lady a drink" that's all I remember. I don't know what I said back, but then he came and sat down next to me. I remember we were talking (somehow I was) and then he was like "Do you wanna come out to my car and listen to this CD?" (we were discussing music I guess. And it was laaate, around 9:30/10:00? So it was dark and the people were drunk, and fireworks were going to start. We get to his car and I sit in the passenger's seat. He starts playing this music, grind core/screamo what not. I'm pretty much into that stuff. But then the fireworks started..and it started from there. He pushed me into the back seat and....raped me. I didn't realized what was happening. I screamed but he put his hand over my mouth, and I said "NO! NO!" But he didn't do anything. Nobody would of heard anyways...the fireworks were too loud. Then it ended and he carried me outta the car onto the grass and he walked back inside. I was just laying there, shaking. Staring up at the sky, not even at the fireworks. What. Just. Happened. I got up and went back inside. I don't know his name, but he was 22 years old. And he has a pregnant girlfriend. She was there. I stumbled to find my dad, and he said he was looking for me and that we were leaving now. I was sobering up a bit now, that guy pretty much did it all. The whole car ride home I was shaking, and I mean shaking. Teeth trembling, I was like an earthquake. I wasn't cold...just in a coma state. I got home and I went straight to bad, I woke up the next day with a bad migraine and I didn't think of what happened the night before. Then two days ago it all came back to me. I've been literally crying ever since. And then I'm in some outpatient ED center. That's another story, but I'm just so scared. Pregnant? STDS?! Ohmygod.... ):
It hurt, it still kinda does, but it hurt soo bad. And I don't know what to do. I haven't had my period in about five months, but I just got it yesterday, does that mean anything!?!!??!? I don't knoww.
I'm never drinking again. Never ever I swear. I'm never being around guys like that, neverr ever again. I didn't tell anyone, I mean, if I do my mom will never let me go to my dad's again. And I was planning on moving in there, like soon. About this inpatient shit, I don't know. I have to go there with my mom and eat and shit. I refused to go today, I went in but ran out and then the cops came and I was forced into a hospital again. If I didn't agree to go back to the center for treatment, I'd have to go to another state and be hospitalized there...so I just agreed to go back. I guess I have an appointment tomorrow at 330, my mom just said. FUCK. I don't wannntto do it. ): I have so much other shit going on right now. This weekend I was going to run away to my dads. I hate my mom, I hate her. Years I've put up with her shit but if I get the cops called on me for defending myself against her and having it be called domestic violence on my behalf, then fuck it. I hate her and I can't put up with another day here.

God, if you're up there, please just help me. Please...you're all I've got now. No friends, barely any family, nothing.
I'm at my hardest point in life right now, my lowest low. And I need to get back up. Please God, just help me back up...please...and help me keep the tears in for just one day, please. ):

probation and whats on my mind.

I hate that word. It makes me feel restricted, oh wait that's because I AM.
):
I have to stop for at least two weeks. After all these counseling and doctor appointments are over, here I come Ana. Bye bulimia, hopefully.
I was forced into the hospital Wednesday night. Mother called the sheriff dept. on me because I wouldn't go with her. Got put in an ambulance, I just walked out of the house without resisting because they said they'd 'put me into custody if I refuse'. How great. Fucking mother, I hate her, I really do. She's been nothing to me my whole life. All she does is drink and drink and pop pills and fucking drink more. Then she'll grab me and throw me around, and just keep pounding on me, over and over again. I can't take it anymore. Everyone at school knows, everyone sees the bruises on my arms. They're in the shape of fucking hand prints! Then the next day she'll ask me, "how did you get those bruises!?"
And I say "YOU!"
But she always replies, (well slaps me first) "what the fuck, I didn't do that to you. You did this to yourself!?!"
"...yeah mom, I did."
So I went to counseling for bruising myself. Almost went to the psych ward then too.
Welcome to my life.
Every single day of that, kinda makes you a little crazy inside. And for the longest time I thought that was normal. I thought my mom was supposed to call me a cow, a bitch, a little fucking whore, "you son of a bitch!" ... and so on.
People know I lie about it, people know the truth. And my mom's almost 50 years old already, how she manages to do all this is still a mystery to me. I've told people she's an alcoholic and I've said it to her face many of times. She makes up excuses and changes the subject, drinks in private now hiding it all out in the garage, and she stopped my counseling after the second visit because I said she's an alcoholic.
"Oh Megan, I'll stop drinking. This is my last time, I won't ever do it again."
The next day she's wasted. But see, I wouldn't mind if she was nice or funny when she's drunk, but she's just straight up mean. And once in a while is understandable, but not seven days a week.
I'm at my dad's right now, I was going to move in here but I don't think I will anymore. I even packed up all my shit which was one small box and took everything down off my walls and such. I was seriously going to leave. But I don't think I will. My mom needs me, and if I'm not there all the time to clean up her vomiting in the bathroom or help her into bed when she's passed out in the front yard, she'd prolly die. I don't know what to do, I'm going into counseling and hopefully I can get all this out and put it away and never have to bring it up again. But it happens every night, every day. She's drunk by eight in the morning!
What should I do? I don't know. Counseling doesn't work, I've tried it.
I can wait three more years 'til I'm eighteen. After that, I'll never have to see her again.

Another thing that's on my mind is my like besfriend, so I thought. Remember a while ago I posted something about her taking me to Ocean City, Maryland this summer? And I was debating on whether or not I should go? Well I really wanted to, and she told me that we would go. But no. I texted her one night saying "Heyy wanna hang out tonight?" and she replied "Sorry, I'm busy with my family right now, maybe next Tuesday?" I said yeahh sure, thinking it's weird she's 'busy with her family' and I have to wait a whole week to hang out with her? She's never been that shady before. So I go online, and her other BESTFRIEND wrote her status as "Going to Ocean City with xxx, be back Monday night!"
What. The hell.

She didn't even tell me. I had to find out from someone else. I mean I wouldn't be mad if she would of just told me. Actually I'm not really mad at all, just super upset. I don't understand like why she'd keep it all from me, I don't know...but then she wanted to hang out except it was the day after my mom found the bags in my room, so I was under house arrest basically. But that day my mom was at work so I biked over to her house because I didn't have my phone and I know she would of flipped out if I didn't reply, but she lives like two minutes away. And she was so tan, like I needed to read the status to realize whats going on. And she had a henna tattoo on her chest, which is exactly what she said she'll do when 'we' go down to Ocean City. And she added "(her besfriend xx)and I got matching ones!" I didn't say anything, but I really want to say "When were you going to tell me?"
I don't know, she's just so retarded. We only hung out once all summer, and I'm planning on it being the only time. I'm done with her, she never talks to me so I don't talk to her. Dumb fucking ass cunts some girls can be, I can never trust 'em. I never will, never ever again.

Well I'm done rambling on about this, thanks for taking out your guy's time to know what my life is, hah.

I'm just staying strong. If I wasn't mentally stable right now, I'd be an emotional wreck. I feel it coming on soon, a break down with a bajillion tears. But I'll save it for a night that I can cry myself to sleep. Speaking of which, I only got two hours of sleep last night. I can't sleep, like ever. I only get a few hours of sleep yet I'm up late again the next night! Like we're talking 2-3am and waking up by 4-5am! I can't fall back asleep. It's been going on for a week now and I can feel the dark bags just wanting to come through under my eyes, haha.

Well I'm done now, thanks <3

will we ever get what we deserve.

Help. My mom found bags of vomit in my closet just two days ago, actually like right after my last post. She flipped out, saying I'm going to be hospitalized and all this, and then she called so many psych-wards/counselors/hospitals/eating disorder centers for me. ): I'm in counseling now, and she's watching me nonstop. Tomorrow we have to drive almost an hour out to some clinic place where I'm going to get more counseling. And these blood tests from the doctors show that my potassium level is dangerously low, a 1.9 when anything below a 3 could cause fatal heart problems. My mom was crying. I can't believe this. It's like reality just hit me. I can't keep doing this. I remember when I was first getting into all of this, I told myself that I would get out before it got too serious, I'd get out when I reach a good low weight. Well look at me now, I can't get out no matter what. This morning I ate a banana (potassium!) and so so many chocolate bars, like mini ones. And I'm on potassium pills I have to take three times a day. This isn't good. And I haven't slept at all, I've been up all night and I don't know why. I just cannot sleep. God, I'm like craving some buttered toast with jelly right now...ughh. I binged on potato salad late last night and I got it up in my room while my mother was asleep. It's in a container in the bottom drawer of my dresser right now, I have to get it out soon.
I haven't weighed myself since two days ago either, and it's killing me to see if I'm down to 112. I think I'm going to have a final binge on toast and what not like I said while my mom has to run errands today. After that, I have to stop. I want to live a full life with no complications. I can't keep doing this. I don't know how, but I will make it through this. I feel bad for my Ana buddies whom I was texting before; my phone broke and I didn't get the chance to talk to them. ):
Well, I just wanted to update this before anything else happens. This really sucks.
I think I'm going to start eating again, but only like a banana a day and maybe some veggies. That's all I can take right now before I like have a panic attack of binging and getting it back up. /:
Please God, just give me the strength to get through all of this okay. <3
God bless all of you out there with this same problem. Don't let it eat you alive.
I'm still here for everyone, believe me I am. And this isn't going to stop me from getting down to 110. I AM GOING TO GET TO THAT WEIGHT. But maybe by choosing a bit more healthier route. I'll see where this takes me, I'll try to keep this updated as well as I can but my mother probably won't let me on the computer much. When she found the bags she screamed at me, took my phone and grounded me. I was supposed to go to a friend's that night but she didn't let me go and I also had a softball game but she kept me from that too. It's like I'm being punished for something that I can't control. And that's why I came to all of this, to control one thing in my life that my mom couldn't take control of. But in the end, it turned on me. And I'm hitting rock bottom now.
Please don't make the same mistakes I did. I hope everyone can learn something from me.
Please stay well everyone, I don't wanna loose any of you. <3
Just hang in there, just stay strong...